Creature Feature: Opossum.

Well, this is unusual. I actually have the motivation to write an entry on a Thursday night. Unfortunately, I just so happened to encounter two of today's animal as barely-recognizable pieces of roadkill. It's a shame; opossums are really quite interesting creatures that many readers can find in their own backyards.

Opossums are the only North American marsupials. They are omnivores and scavengers (that explains the roadkill!), so they are pretty well-adapted to human presence. They've been around since the Cretaceous; chalk 'em up as another mammal likely to survive in a man-made wasteland. If you live in North or South America, there's a good chance you can find an opossum near you. There is even one so cool that it'll get its own entry later, so we're going to focus on the Virginia opossum (Didelphis virginiana) for now.

Opossums look like giant rats at first glance. Despite all similarities, however, opossums are not even remotely related to rats. No, these things have some of the most diverse teeth of any mammals, and they will very kindly show you that they are not rats as soon as you piss them off. Those teeth say a lot.

THIS is car trouble!

There are a number of interesting things about opossum reproduction. They have a split penis and a split vagina- the latter of which led to the family name "Didelphidae." There is a placenta inside of a female opossum, but it is largely non-functional. They have a lot of young; not many of them survive. Since these are marsupials we're talking about, some of them don't even survive to make it to mom's pouch. The surviving babies learn to hitch a ride on on mommy possum's back. Kinda cute!

Opossums are known for an extremely authentic method of playing dead ("playing 'possum"). When a predator approaches, the opossum goes completely limp. As if the lack of movement, even when handled, was not enough to deter most predators, the opossum also starts foaming at the mouth, closes its eyes, and emits a nasty smell from special glands near its rear. Just about the only way to know whether a possum is really dead or not is to see its blood.

On a strange note, the name "opossum" does not come from Latin at all; the similarity to the verb "possum" is purely coincidental. Instead, it comes from a Native American word meaning "white beast." Considering how strange such a common creature is, there is really no better name. What would you call it?

"They Actually Eat That:" Nutria.

A while back, this blog did an entry on a giant water rat called a "nutria." For those of you who missed that entry, here it is in a nutshell: Nutria are giant water rats native to South America that were introduced to the United States for the sake of the fur trade.They have since become invasive in the Southern United States, particularly the swampy areas such as the bayous of Louisiana. For the record, they also happen to be the basis of the Pokemon Raticate.

Hi. Remember me? :B

That said, Louisiana is proposing an innovative method for getting rid of the nutria: Turn them into cuisine. www.nutria.com, along with having great info on these giant rodents, also has a handy recipe page should you encounter one in its unnatural habitat.

There is a whole group of recipes devoted to turning giant rodents into food. For those of you wondering before you click, they include rodent rump roasts, nutria chili, Surprise, surprise, nutria gumbo is a thing. They even have a page of nutria meat processing for your convenience. These are all sponsored by the Lousiana Department of Wildlife and Fishieries, so you know they're good.



Unfortunately, nutria supposedly taste terrible. That's a real shame, seeing as rodents are whole foods for a lot of the natural world. They're probably loaded with protein, and the meat's gotta go somewhere in the end. Hey, if it's good enough for an anaconda, what have you got to lose?

I am also quite sure that there are a million other ways to market nutria meat. "Mystery meat" comes in a lot of forms, usually with horror stories attached. Nobody wants to know what's in hot dogs anyways. Pet food is always an option - giant rats must be a mega-meal for cats. Humans are the ultimate omnivore. Wrap it in a sausage skin and someone will eat it.

Creature Feature: Argentine Ants.

No matter how advanced humans get or how much we spawn, insects will always outdo us. They spawn faster, evolve faster, and several species are remarkably social. Hell, now, they've even caught up in the invasive species department. We thought we had that market cornered.

First, a reminder: Ants are already secretly terrifying, and not just when they happen to be on your food. They are the only animals aside from humans (and maybe chimps) that wage war. They also have livestock in the form of aphids and agriculture in the form of fungi. These little insects are so much like us that it's uncanny. They're almost idealized as hard workers that are so driven to work that they are all but born into a caste. This is eusocial? Creepy.

The Argentine ant takes the creepiness up another few levels. It is a dark ant native to Brazil, Ecuador, and, of course, Argentina. Now, they can be found on every continent except Antarctica (y'know, the only continent with "ant" in its name). They probably spread via human transport, but "alien conspiracy" would not surprise us, either. They're ants, so they'll eat whatever's around.

If you thought Japanese beetles were bad, they have nothing on the invasive power of Argentine ants.  These ants have spread to every area willing to accommodate them. All it takes is ten workers and a single queen to churn out a whole colony. Since these are ants we're talking about, they are also perfectly capable of displacing current ant species, making the Argentine officially the One Ant to Rule Them All. People worry about culture becoming homogenized; these ants are already most of the way there.

You know what's even creepier? Every single Argentine ant colony outside of Argentina is genetically related. Scientists have taken ants from Europe and mixed them with Asian and North American colonies with no ill results. Go ahead, try this with humans (even triplets who had to separate for some reason). The result will not be this clean.

Also, if you happen to have a problem with these ants...too bad. Pesticides make the queen lay more eggs. There also tend to be many queens. Congratulations, Argentine ants: you have officially taken over the world. Way to beat Pinkie and the Brain to the punch.

Bio-Art: Neozoic Era.

The media like to spit out exactly two versions of the future to us: one, a complete, mechanized, filthy dystopia; two, a less-dystopian world that looks like it was made by Apple by virtuee of how clean and perfect everything is. Both of these visions are usually highly mechanized, leaving out a third type of vision: the evolution of other species.

 Enter "Neozoic Era," a painting of a different future the media do not want us to see. It takes place in the not-too-distant future. Humans are still around, but oh how the rest of the world has changed. "Neozoic Era" was drawn by Alexis Rockman for Future Evolution, a book written by Professor Peter Ward at the University of Washington. He certainly has some interesting theories about what might happen to other species if things progress at their current rate.

According to Ward, all large mammals aside from humans will be dead. Lions, tigers, and bears, all gone. They aren't versatile and adapt comparatively poorly to human interference. Habitat loss, competition for food, and, of course, hunting will spell the doom of many, if not all, large animals around today. They are all risking an "aurochs" situation. Normally, I'd be in favor of this, but when habitat destruction is factored in, it gets really hard to reintroduce animals back into the wild. Lions and tigers would be pricey pets if they were still around at all.

Ward theorizes that pets would still be around, but reduced to the point where they would be completely dependent on human survival. I want to say it would be like the prospect of mini-dinos in Jurassic Park - we would have very heavily-engineered pets with special nutritional requirements. The future would be filled with things as far removed from their wild counterparts as Chihuahuas are from wolves, if not farther. If we had tigers, they would be kitten tame.

This. All tigers. Plus, viral interwebs image is viral.

The animals that survive outside of human care will have to be amazingly adaptable.Three very recognizable animal groups meet that requirement: rodents, snakes, and cockroaches. I would personally add rabbits, pigeons, and raccoons to the list. If a dog is so dependent on humans that it literally cannot live outside of humanity, it's bound to get a mean shock to its system when it meets its first super-rabid raccoon.

That's another thing we have to worry about: Superbugs. The cleaner we get, the nastier germs get. They evolve faster than we do. If you need an idea of how crazy these bugs can get and how adaptable they are, there's apparently a microbe in pool water that feeds almost exclusively on human contact lenses. We already have antibiotic-resistant staph. We have no reason to expect that bacteria and other microbes will go away any time soon.

Movies like to present us with either a future so filthy that live cannot go on or a future so clean that man is cut off from the rest of nature. Neither of these visions are realistic. We can picture the majority of species we know going extinct, sure, but new ones would take their place. Life will find a way.

Creature Feature: Coconut Crab.

...Wait, what? What is that? I don't know what it is, but it defies my "what is this I don't even -" mode. That has to be the biggest crab I've ever seen...and it's on land.

The above image circulated in a chain e-mail released in 2007. It features a coconut crab, AKA  robber crab, palm thief, or Birgus latro ("robber" in the species name).  Since then, other images and messages concerning this giant crab have circulated as well...and most of it is absolutely true. The coconut crab is not a bonsai kitten; absolutely nothing was Photoshopped; it's all 100% real.

OK, so coconut crabs are not the biggest crabs around. I lied a little. The proper title of "biggest crab" goes to the spider crab, a creature dwelling in darkness with long, spindly legs.They will get their own entry. For now, the coconut crab stands as the largest land invertebrate in the modern era; it sports a 3-foot leg span, can get up to 16 inches from head to abdomen, and weighs up to nine pounds. Unless Mothra shows up, the coconut crab will be king for a looooong time.

And then Ganimes showed up.

Guess what? These terrors are related to the cute little hermit crabs we covered yesterday. Like hermit crabs, young coconut crabs spend some of their lives in snail shells. They never go back to the ocean except to lay eggs, and will drown if placed in water. Much the same can be said of land hermit crabs, although hermit crabs still need humidity to be happy.You will never see hermit crabs the same way again after looking at a coconut crab.

Luckily for us, these monster crabs are primarily herbivores. True to their name, they are fond of coconuts, which they climb trees for and can crack open with those claws.  Other fruits and nuts are on the menu as well. The distribution of coconut crabs is tied exactly with coconut trees. Hell, they even have a remarkably well-developed sense of smell for a crab - enough that it's an eerily close parallel with that of insects. They'll eat meat (small animals and carcasses) on occasion, but for the most part, they will stick to fruit and nuts.

Coconut crabs are indeed edible, by the way. They are considered a delicacy on their island homes. Who cares if it's big and terrifying? That's a lot of crab meat.  The locals consider it a delicacy and an aphrodisiac, however, so the crab meat might be a little hard to come by.

Y'know what, though? It doesn't matter that these crabs are delicious. They've been here longer than humans and will be around long after we are gone. I actually saw one artist who validly pointed out that snakes and rodents will be around long after the human race is dead; cockroaches are survival experts. Now we can add giant, killer crabs to the list.  Basically, if you happen to be warm-blooded, global climate change will screw you over. We're doomed, and the whole rest of the animal kingdom is laughing at us. The creep shall inherit the Earth.

Creature Feature: Hermit Crabs.

So I'm now back in a little area of Illinois I like to call "Suburban Hell." There are whole strip malls that have died just by being in this suburb. Most tragically, the local magic shop, and several other stores in its little strip, have decided to close shop. Even other suburbanites say my suburb sucks.

That said, here's a critter known for moving: the classic hermit crab.

The name "hermit crab" is a little bit misleading; they are more closely related to squat lobsters and porcelain crabs than 'standard' crabs. They are usually native to tropical regions or completely marine. There are several kinds of hermit crabs (over 1100 species), but they all have one thing in common: As they grow, they need to move into another animal's shell or shelter. 

Unlike most crustaceans, hermit crabs have squishy abdomens.  They are designed such that, as they grow older, they can fit into another animal's shell. When a nearby snail dies, hermit crabs line up to see who can fit in the shell. When that owner gets too big for it, the cycle starts again, and smaller crabs line up to take the abandoned shell. I would hate to see the real estate prices on those shells.

Quick, find it an apartment!

 

Not all hermit crabs live in shells. Some of them inhabit burrows of sea worms.Others prefer coral, sponges, and bivalves to snails. They've been around since the Cretaceous- of course they've evolved to do better than single snail shells.  A few of them deliberately put sea anemones on their shells as a form of home security. Despite the names, hermit crabs can and should live in communities, making housing slightly easier to come by.

Most of you have probably seen land hermit crabs in pet stores. These are terrestrial hermit crabs of the genus Coenobita; I usually see some Ecuadoran hermit crabs around. As hermit crabs grow in popularity, more and more species of this genus are appearing for sale. They used to be thought of as a "throwaway" pet, but can live a surprisingly long time if their rather strict environment is maintained. Now that people are catching on, books and other items for hermit crab care are becoming readily available. They even make little painted shells for your hermit crab to move into.

For those of us who don't have the space or time to manage hermit crabs (they aren't that bad, really), Pokemon has four hermit crabs total. The Slowpoke family is  based off of hermit crabs, with Slowbro outright called "hermit crab" as its title. The other hermit crab family, Dwebble and Crustle, is newer. 

News Flash: A Real Jurassic Park?!

I would have posted this earlier had it not been fungus week. An Australian billionaire has decided to turn science fiction into science fact by making a real-life Jurassic Park. I wish I was kidding, but he's also apparently trying to build a working replica of the Titanic. You know, because the original worked so well and had no architectural flaws whatsoever. Here's the story on this nutter's latest plot:

"It could be the most incredible case of real life imitating Hollywood.
A controversial Australian billionaire is believed to be drawing up secret plans for a real life Jurassic Park.

Mining magnate Clive Palmer, who has already embarked on a project to rebuild the Titanic, is rumoured to be announced the plans at a Brisbane press conference tomorrow. 

Online reports claim the billionaire is already working with the team who created Dolly the sheep for the incredible plan.
It would be based at Palmer's recently purchased super resort in Coolum.

Mr Palmer has refused to comment on the plans, and is believed to be saving his big reveal for Friday's press conference.

However, the Sunshine Coast Daily claimed it had received a tipoff from the same source who provided the it details of towering hotels and a giant ferris wheel, similar to the London Eye, at the resort.

A spokesman confirmed Mr Palmer would hold a press conference in Brisbane on Friday.

He has already revealed plans to bring one Hollywood blockbuster to life, and announced earlier this year he would build a replica of the ill-fated cruise ship Titanic."

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2182751/Is-Australian-billionaire-launch-real-life-Jurassic-Park.html#ixzz23DDwaXm7

Did this guy honestly learn nothing from the books? Or movies? Part of the point of Jurassic Park was that there was such a thing as going too far with science. The dino-park was an example of science gone wrong.  This is not a good idea.

Fun for the whole family!

On the plus side: If you do decide to make this, and it does work, would a pet Dimorphodon be too much to ask?