Newsflash: If We Could Talk to the Animals...

...or, well, control them with telepathy. That is exactly what happens towards the end of the clip above: a human's brainwaves move the tail of a living, but anaesthetized, rodent. Admit it: making furry little slaves is what people who want to talk to animals really want to do.

Here's the whole deal on that clip: Researcher Seung-Schik Yoo at Harvard Medical School has successfully linked a human's mind with a rat's body. Several volunteers were hooked up to a numbed rat via EEG's, which are basically your standard electrodes. A certain EEG pattern would stimulate the rat's motor center, making it move. It is piggybacking off of a previous experiment that surgically linked the brains of two rats together, allowing them to cooperate at an unparalleled rate. Now, look, no surgery necessary!

What's really creepy is that the article is geared towards controlling other people like living puppets. There are a million creepy uses for human-controlled rat puppets, but a million and a half creepier reasons for wanting to control other people. Call us paranoid, but this article just came right out and said, "yeah, we wanna do this with humans." Creepy.

Some say that the test is completely invalid. The rat was under painkillers, so there's no way to tell if it was really being mind controlled or not. The link is still astonishing, and it's neat that the human mind can manipulate an animal body. Imagine how many people would sign up to be dogs for a day if given the chance.

Source: NewScientist.com.

Creature Feature/Mythbusting: WOLVES.

There is no animal more polarizing than the gray wolf, Canis lupus. Either you love wolves or you hate them. It is virtually impossible to find somebody with a neutral opinion on wolves. Well, lucky you: that's what this blog is attempting. Let's establish the various reputations that the wolf has had through the ages, shall we? Then we'll bust them like balloons in a shooting game.

The wolves in question are always some variety of Canis lupus. This species ranges from North America into Europe and Asia. They are carnivores and survival machines, hunting in packs and running prey down until it cannot keep moving. Unbeknownst to the wolves themselves, they have also left quite a mark on the human psyche.

GRRR! (Source.)

If you were born before the internet was a thing, you probably still have some remnant of the Fairy Tale Wolf stuck in your psyche. This is the wolf that ate Little Red Riding Hood in one gulp and was also trying to go after the three little pigs. This is the wolf that can walk as a human during the day, only to become a feral, man-eating canine at night. Oh, and bar abnormal conditions (humans threatening them, disease, humans threatening them with diseases), these wolves don't exist.

Let us make this very clear: Wolves do not hunt people. At least, not under normal circumstances. They would much rather avoid Homo sapiens sapiens as much as wolfishly possible. Domestic dogs attack humans more than wolves ever will. If you want to count the two as one species, as I'm prone to doing (they can screw each other just fine), then yeah, wolves are serial killers. If not, wolves are terrified of humans. We're just silly and make the fear mutual.

What wolves will attack is livestock. That is what makes them a threat to humans. By and large, they will avoid humans, but we've entered their territory - with food at that. It's like someone with a pie suddenly coming over, only you, the owner of that house, are not allowed to have any of the pie. Kinda rude, isn't it? These pies are fat, slow, and docile, too. Yes, humans are dickish to many species, wolves included.

WolfJesus died for your sins! (Source.)

Then there's the equally-wrong flipside of the coin. There are wolf fans who treat the wolf like it is some sort of sacred animal that should be prized above all others. This has varying degrees, from people who simply have wolves as their favorite animals to people who roleplay their wolfsonas like humans. The general idea is that wolves are almost exactly like humans with fur, if not idealized humans with fur. These wolves do exist, but certainly not how you think they do:

A little reminder: We do not know, 100%, what goes on inside a dog's head. Dogs have the longest history of domestication of any animal, and there's still too much foreign about them for us to say that we truly know how they tick. If dingoes are any indication, dogs can revert back to wolfishness, and then some, in a surprisingly short amount of time. Wolves do not eat babies. Dingoes do, or at least can.

With that in mind, imagine how little we know and understand about a canine that is perfectly content to live its life without ever touching humans. That is how far wolves are removed from humans in terms of behavior. Rabid wolf fans ("wolfaboos") are often guilty of anthropomorphizing. It's a common crime that has led to mental train wrecks in dogs around the world.

Yes, it is very true that wolves have been persecuted. (I'm not fully sure whether they count as the most unfairly persecuted animal ever; bats, snakes, rodents, and insects could easily give them a run for their money.) Yes, they form family units like humans do. There're some theories out there that wolves may have taught primitive humans how to hunt in groups. That does not make them humans with fur.

If you want a human with fur, you want a dog. As in, a domesticated wolf. Wild wolves do not want to so much as make eye contact with humans. Even dogs have different rules from humans, but they are closer than wolves in that regard. Dogs can mate at any time of year with relative freedom, just like humans; in a wolf pack, only the alpha male and female are allowed to mate. Every wolf wants to get laid, so there are always challenges for dominance. Any wolf lover who acts unaware of wolf rank is kidding themselves.

So, what wolf should you be looking for? The "scientific wolf," as the Field Museum put it.  Look for neutral facts. Read up on why wolves and other apex predators are important to the environment. See some wolves at Big Run Wolf Ranch (or similar) or your local zoo. The Field Museum has a great exhibit about wolves going on right now. This sounds weird coming from a blogger, but the most rabid, vicious wolves you will ever meet are on the internet. Handle those wolves with care.

They Actually Eat That: Meat Glue.

Meat is gross. Really, you're eating the carcass of an animal that was killed, likely in unsanitary conditions, and often needs some sort of seasoning to taste good. Meat of any sort is mostly eaten for cultural rather than nutritional reasons. Oh, and I don't know what to tell you bacon zombies, except maybe "wait for the bacon zombie apocalypse." I'll have a shotgun by then.

This blog has previously covered some of the horrors of the meat industry, but one of its best secrets has yet to be exposed: meat glue, AKA transglutaminase. This is exactly what it says on the can: glue made for taping meat together like it's some sort of craft project. If you see cheap meat somewhere, I will bet you money that meat glue was used in its creation. It's not like most people are able to tell the difference; even butchers have trouble.

Clearly THIS use of meat glue qualifies as bio-art. Source.

But wait. That other name, transglutaminase, is an enzyme, right? That means it comes from an organic source. Well, yeah. It comes from clotting agents found in most types of animal blood. Whoever figured out that raw, bloody meat could be held together by a natural clotting agent was a genius - an evil genius, but still a genius - and deserves money for figuring out that bloody meat could be held together by the blood. As sick as this stuff is, one must admit that the thought behind it was pretty clever. Sick, but clever.

Meat glue itself is sick in two ways. One, it's lying to consumers; we expect prime cuts of steak and get unmentionable parts craftily sewn together. Two, meat glue comes from a bodily fluid of another animal. Along with all the nasty stuff that could come from cooking mystery meat, this meat is held together with foreign animal blood. Goodness knows what diseases that animal had, or what bacteria the glued meat had on it. They're on your plate, whatever they are.

Source.

So, just the really cheap restaurants use this stuff, right? Haha, no. Everybody uses this stuff. Even the EU, the world's greatest proponent of organic foods and general deliciousness, permits meat glue. (I've heard various things on this, actually.) If you have had meat- any kind of meat - then you have been exposed to meat glue. And you don't know if it's Kosher or not.

Newsflash: Obama, Obama and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain.

The human mind is a tricky thing. If one section of the brain is kicked out of commission, another part will at least try to take over. The right and left halves of the brain are so intertwined that the whole right brain-left brain thing is really about as effective as that old taste bud map- which has been proven false, by the way.

Oh, and now we're trying to map the brain.

"WASHINGTON (AP) — President Barack Obama on Tuesday proposed an effort to map the brain's activity in unprecedented detail, as a step toward finding better ways to treat such conditions as Alzheimer's, autism, stroke and traumatic brain injuries.

He asked Congress to spend $100 million next year to start a project that will explore details of the brain, which contains 100 billion cells and trillions of connections.

That's a relatively small investment for the federal government — less than a fifth of what NASA spends every year just to study the sun — but it's too early to determine how Congress will react.
Obama said the so-called BRAIN Initiative could create jobs, and told scientists gathered in the White House's East Room that the research has the potential to improve the lives of billions of people worldwide.

"As humans we can identify galaxies light-years away," Obama said. "We can study particles smaller than an atom, but we still haven't unlocked the mystery of the three pounds of matter that sits between our ears."" - Source with more.

Obama has a valid point. Compared to other fields of science, we know very little about the human brain. However, out of every newsflash I've done so far, this one worries me the most.

Deeper studies of the human brain also lead to the distinct possibility of mind control - or at least manipulation the likes of which have never been seen before. We're talking the potential for mind control, here. Psychology is also used in advertising all the time; the fact that most fast food labels have red (the color that catches the human eye the most for a multitude of reasons) in them is a good example.

There is also a good chance that it won't work. A theory came up in my biology class: a system can never fully comprehend itself, or else it'll break. This could be 100 million spent to break our brains. Yep, such a nice idea. It could pave the way for cures to life-threatening diseases, or it could make the Flesh Machine become a real thing.

Bio-Art: The Unfeathered Bird (I).

Ever wonder what makes a bird tick? How about seeing weirder animals plasticized in immortality like Body Worlds? Just a bird fan who wants to know more? Katrina van Grouw's book, The Unfeathered Bird, may be right up your alley. 

The cover features a white peacock skeleton, sporting its classic tailfeathers and nothing else. A lot of drawings in this book are just that: showing bird skeletons or otherwise reduced specimens doing normal bird things. This allows one to see and truly appreciate the mechanisms at work in every little thing a bird does. That's what the book is all about: anatomy and making the viewer see birds in a completely different light.

The title alone sounds squicky. But y'know what? It is squicky. This column usually has some degree of squick. You can expect detailed sketches of bird bodies, feathered or not, in this book. Bird organs are also par for the course. They're all beautifully done, and when you're talking about bits of dead animals, that's saying something.

The book is just as informative as it is artistic. There are rather extensive, but understandable, notes about avian evolution. Sketches are sandwiched between intimidating walls of text, but please believe us when we say it is not all bad. Regular scientific literature is awfully bland, and the insertions in the artbook are thrilling by comparison.

Wanna know how to make a songbird freakier than being poisonous? Take a look beneath that cute exterior. Expect a review on this book next week; a skim for this entry revealed plenty of meat for a more detailed look. Pun totally intended.

Killer Cute: Hooded Pitohui.

Ah, spring is in the air! Flowers are blooming, the air is warm, and songbirds fill the air with music. What could possibly be more representative of spring than a brightly-colored songbird?

...a brightly-colored, poisonous songbird?!

This colorful little bird is a hooded pitohui (Pitohui dichorus). It is native to all places called "New Guinea," and quite common there. Both females and males have bright colors, so it's not like we can tell if that's a dude or a chick. Yes, that pun was intended; it's Easter.

And, yes, the songbird is poisonous. The hooded pitohui was one of the first documented poisonous birds, and is frequently touted as the most poisonous.

How does a songbird become poisonous? By eating lots and lots of poisonous beetles. The process is called bioaccumulation, and is roughly the same method by which DDT accumulated in various bird species during the 60's - only, well, more beneficial. It's virtually the same way that lorises and monarch butterflies become toxic.

This bird is going to KILL you.

The resulting poison works like a charm. It is a neurotoxin called homobatrachotoxin, and can be found in most places in or on the bird's body. Merely touching this bird causes tingling and numbness (nerve tampering). Imagine what eating this bird could do. No wonder they're labelled as "least concern."

Need more of a trip? These beetles are related to the same bugs that poison dart frogs (i.e. the little froggies so lethal that natives dip arrows in their poison) eat. The pitohui is a bird who thinks it's a poison dart frog. You thought you knew songbirds? Don't trust those bright colors. They might not be for mating.

Killer Cute: Koalas.

Is there anything cuter than a koala? No; koalas (Phascolarctos cinereus), which by the way are eucalyptus-munching Australian marsupials, look more like teddy bears than actual bears.  It's really hard to take a koala seriously. A koala could tell us that Yurlungr is awakening and the world will end as a result, but we'd bee too busy melting into baby talk to care. Awww, wookit his widdle head!



Oh, wait. Shoot, it's from Australia, the land where everything wants to disembowel you! Run for your life- KOALAS!

Actually, they aren't that bad. Koalas just have killer claws. These claws can dig into the bark of trees no problem; imagine, for a second, what they could do to your soft flesh. There are innumerable bacteria that will make those claw marks even nastier. Also, they can bite, but anything with a mouth can bite. Anything "stuffed animal" suddenly went out the window with those claws.

From scienceblog.com. Point made regardless.

Then there's the thing called a drop bear. Certain subspecies of koala have evolved into carnivorous little buggers that drop from their perches onto the unsuspecting Americans below. Rumor has it that wearing forks on your head or smearing Vegemite behind your ears can ward off drop bears, but don't hold your breath. Luckily, dropbears are about as real as jackalopes. You may take the forks out of your hair, now.

Here's the real deal: Koalas are slow, stupid, and usually asleep. 80% of their day is spent asleep. Their brains do not fit in their fuzzy little heads because they are so small. Anyone unfortunate enough to get hit by a koala who fell out of a tree was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. It's not like these things are out to get us.

While not as dramatic as the hippo, koalas can still be very nasty animals. Approach wild koalas with caution. They may look like teddy bears, but they have claws like real bears. You don't know where they've been. On the bright side, at least they cannot crush your head with their rears like our friend the wombat. Now that is lethal cute.