They Actually Eat That: Oysters.

Well, it's been a while since I did this column! I recently got back from New Orleans, AKA "foodie heaven." It's the best place ever if you want to try something you have never eaten before. I looove crawfish, and had my first taste of creole, which is its own thing. Alligator meat is...where else? Florida? A few farms? Basically, New Orleans is not Chicago, which could only ever win awards for "most poisonous junk food." There's really good, unique stuff, there.

Oh, and oysters. I can say I've had oysters, now.

Oysters are everywhere in New Orleans. It's hard to walk down a street there without seeing at least one oyster bar, or at least someplace selling oysters, on your way. Oyster shells can be picked up off the ground, if you have a good eye. Bourbon and Royal Streets, both interesting in their own rights, have their fair share of oyster bars as well as other fun things to look at (every sin known to man and antique stores, respectively).

It's not that oysters are as unique as alligator meat, but, rather, that New Orleans has a lot of them. New Orleans is located right along an estuary - a place where fresh and saltwater mix. This creates a home so ideal for the eastern oyster (Crassostrea virginica) that several oyster reefs can be found right near New Orleans.

An oyster reef (or, confusingly, "oyster bar") is an area where successive generations of oysters thrive. There have been approximately 5,895 oysters recorded with in a single square yard of reef - that's 45 bushels, for the culinarily curious. Flatworms, small fish, and other molluscs all make their home in these massive oyster beds. Other things, such as cow-nose rays, also prey upon the oysters. There are plenty to go around, at least.

Source: Eatyourworld.com

So, how do they taste? It depends on how you eat them. If you coat them in butter, seasonings, or anything else, they'll almost inevitably taste like that dressing. It's a little hard to pick out the taste beneath that - I would call it more subtle than mussel. Eaten raw, they supposedly taste exactly like fresh and salt water - both at once. Eat them while you're in New Orleans, for sure.

A bonus point: raw oysters are a scientifically-proven aphrodisiac. Raw, and only raw, oysters, contain zinc and other minerals that boost sperm count. Casanova's secret is backed by scientific fact, so, while raw oysters sound good on a hot day anyways, don't be surprised to find more junk downstairs. If you feel the sudden urge to go down Bourbon St. after slipping in some raw oysters, nobody will blame you. I repeat: It is OK to have fun. 

New Orleans has a lot of creative food options. That said, I still haven't gotten bold enough to try escolar, which I did an entry on a while back. It's illegal in a lot of places, but my favorite N'awlins sushi haunt (Ginger Lime - Google map it if you're there!) is not one of them. 

Mollusc Week: I've saved the best for last.

Hoo boy, it's been a weird week. Molluscs are strange creatures in general, and picking out exceptionally strange or obscure ones makes them look even weirder. Cephalopods are slowly taking over the world. So, what could possibly top flying squid?

Tell me if this doesn't sound like crack to you: Antarctic oysters that can change sex.

Belongs to the Smithsonian. Yep, that's an oyster, all right.

Lissarca miliaris is far from an impressive oyster.  It's small, unassuming, and lives in a place that most sane people would dare not venture to. If it involves Antarctica and not penguins, people just plain won't go; this says nothing about one's willingness to dive beneath the ice for shellfish. Again, not penguins. Only marine biologists acknowledge this thing's existence.

These weird little oysters follow the same reproductive strategy that tunicates and some fish have: they start out as fertile males, then mature into egg-bearing females. They may also go back to being males when brooding their young. At first, researchers were only looking at breeding females; then they found males with the mollusc equivalent of "junk" as well as eggs. Yep, these little molluscs are genuine, natural, breeding hermaphrodites.

Of course, there is a natural advantage to changing sex. Antarctica is a harsh environment.  The more viable mating partners there are, the better; mating at a young age is also a good idea in such an environ. These oysters have all the reason in the world to be natural transexuals. Why should we think of them as freaks for it?

So yeah. There's your awesome week of molluscs! They solve mazes, stick really hard to rocks, fly, and now change sex! A few of them also taste terrible, but most of them can be seen at your local sushi bar. In case of mollusc world takeover,  prepare the tempura batter and chopsticks.

Creature Feature: Geoducks.

We try not to turn this blog into a parade of dick jokes. That's what most of the internet is for. However, there are some times when we just can't help it. Nature sometimes THROWS dick and/or vulva at our collective face. Geez, nature, no wonder the Chinese consider geoducks an aphrodisiac:

 

 Those giant marine clams above are called geoducks (Panopea generosa). They are not ducks, and it's pronounced "gooeyduck." The name apparently comes from some corrupted Nisqually word meaning "dig deep," as they are rather large burrowing clams. Other fun names include "mud duck," "king clam," or "elephant trunk clam."

Geoducks are native to the coasts of Washington and British Columbia. They are the largest burrowing clam in the world (7.9 in/20 cm at largest), and can live over a hundred years (with the record being 168 years). Nobody really seems to care how large the shell is or how long they live; everybody wants to see the siphons, which...yeeaaah...



For those of you unaware of mollusc biology, bivalves like geoducks use their siphons for eating, breathing, excreting, and, yes, mating. Burrowing clams tend to have the longest siphons of any molluscs. The siphons of a geoduck can be up to a meter in length - a record among bivalves. Such a long extension also makes human males get inferiority complexes.

Geoducks happen to have some of the tastiest cock around. The siphon is valued by both Eastern and Western cultures for its meat, although some consider it an aphrodisiac anyways. (For once, China, we see eye to eye.) They sell in China for up to 168 USD per pound. A whole 80-million dollar industry has boomed over clam cock. Human porn, you have met your match in a single clam.