"They Actually Eat That:" Rhinoceros.

Remember when I said that humans will eat megafauna like no tomorrow? I wasn't kidding. Humans have been eating giant animals since Homo sapiens were a thing, still eat giant animals today, and will continue to eat giant animals in the future.Nothing is safe unless it is explicitly poisonous. Even then, fast food is worse for you than rhino meat:

Image by National Geographic. Look at how red it is compared to domestic meat...

Today is no exception. Everything is fair game, including the powerful rhinoceros. As long as rhinos exist, people will hunt them, just like we did to most other megafauna. We will also be eating them to the end of time. Habitat destruction is almost a new one, but this is about the edible side of things, so let's stick to that.

China, of course, is in on rhino meat. Rhinoceros horn has been touted for various medicinal properties, just like almost any other part of almost any other animal. Its main use is as a painkiller, with rhino horns fetching up to $30,000 per kilogram. There is also a concoction involving a rhino skull and coconut oil. All of this has no potency whatsoever.

A lot of people already know about the rhino horn trade. A lot fewer people realize that there is a lot of meat there. The meat itself supposedly has properties as well. It has been touted as a cure for leprosy, diarrhea, and tuberculosis. There is absolutely no basis for this.

Eating rhino is not at all common. Rhinoceroses are big, fierce animals. They're hard to kill, even with rifles and other modern weaponry. Rhino meat is still quite valuable as exotic meat. There are roughly 275 Sumatran rhinos left; we'd like to keep some around, so please don't eat rhino meat or buy...anything rhino-based, really. It may be delaying the inevitable, but let's try to keep megafauna around for as long as we can.

Megafauna Week: Intro + Titanoboa.

 Pinch, punch, last week of the month! You know what that means: It's a Theme Week! This month's theme is MEGAFAUNA. Let me say it in bigger letters:

MEGAFAUNA!!!!

Megafauna, in general, means "any animal larger than a human that has not been domesticated." The term can apply to both extant and extinct species. The term is usually reserved for giant, extinct animals that were much larger than their modern day counterparts. Giraffes, elephants, and many other famous African animals are also properly megafauna.  Believe it or not, the aurochs, the ancestor to the modern cow, was megafauna. We have bred cattle down a lot, and they're still pretty darn big. 

That said, there will be a lot of extinct creatures this week, too. Megafauna tends to vary inversely with human population - that is, the more humans there are in an area, the less megafauna there will be. There are a number of reasons for this.The most obvious is that humans are a lot like wolves in that anything big against us falls to coordinated effort. Less obvious things include competition for resources and habitat destruction (which kinda falls under "resources," in retrospect). Basically, humans and megafauna do not mix well.

So, without further ado, onto the first member of the heavyweight class:

Surprise, surprise: this week is starting with a giant snake. For those of you who have not seen this monster, its name was Titanoboa and it died out long before humans walked the Earth (so your hands are clean). The only known species, Titanoboa cerrejonensis, was found in the coal mines of Columbia.

Titanoboa was a giant, even among modern giant snakes. It was 48 feet long and weighed over 2,500 pounds. To put things in perspective, the longest snake, the reticulated python, is at least 10 feet shy of that. It was about as wide as a garbage can, if not slightly bigger. As for how dangerous it was, I believe the following demotivator makes the point best:

(Disclaimer: I love giant snakes.)

The discovery of a snake this big tells us a few very important things about its environment. For starters, there had to be prey big enough to accommodate such a large snake; large snakes need large food, after all. Huge reptiles also tend to live in tropical climates, meaning that Columbia was still hot millennia ago.

Before you ask, no, this snake did not eat dinosaurs. Titanoboa appeared in the Paleocene, around 60-58 million years ago. That is the time directly after the period when dinosaurs went extinct. If there were dinosaurs for it to eat, they would have been the stragglers from the KT event that refused to evolve into birds. The Paleocene had plenty of large mammals, birds, and reptiles for Titanoboa to feed on regardless.

Pop culture loves picking on giant snakes, and Titanoboa is no exception. The Smithsonian has a rather extensive page on Titanoboa, including what it would take to support one in a zoo. Primeval: New World also featured a Titanoboa, overlapping it with a Native American legend. Giant snakes are pretty common in folklore; who's to say that someone didn't discover Titanoboa before modern science? 

Bio-Art: Pigs Might Fly.

The phrase "when pigs fly" means that something will never happen. For example: "Sure, I'll vote Republican...when pigs fly." (No offense to any Republicans out there; I was merely using political views as an example of usually-unchangeable things.)  Flying pigs are not expected to exist, ever, but that is not the way science works. "Impossible" is one of those words that science wishes did not exist.

The kicker? Flying pigs could exist if someone really wanted them to. Ever so slowly, the impossible is becoming quite possible. Soon, pigs will be able to fly; conveniently,  a certain bio-artist has made the idea come to life. Well, sort of.

"Pigs Might Fly" is another taxidermy piece by British artist Damien Hirst. It sold in the September of 2008 in an art auction that totaled 198 million dollars - a record for a one-artist auction. For those of you unfamiliar with Hirst's work, this blog has plenty of it. Among his more memorable pieces are a fully-soaked shark, a mother and her calf bisected, and a cow with gold-plated hooves.A flying pig is just another drop in the bucket.

Like many of Hirst's works, this flying piglet is hovering in a bath of formaldehyde. The piglet has pure white dove wings attached, ready to take flight - if only there wasn't a glass wall in the way. The pose of the piglet is stunning, and definitely merits this being art. That is one realistic flying pig; no wonder it sold for so much.

Photo by CBS.

Think that this is something only a taxidermist would dream up? Hardly. There are viruses that rewrite DNA called "retroviruses." Gene splicing is already a thing. Give it time before they make a live flying pig. Hirst has already made the blueprints.

So, pigs can fly. What are we going to say is impossible now?

Creature Feature: Opabinia.

Has anyone ever wondered why aliens are in everything these days? Only conspiracy theorists, most likely. Has anyone ever wondered why the great majority of them look like little more than humans with makeup? There's the intelligence factor, but the real reason is most likely laziness. If you really want to get creative with aliens, you're going to have to go all the way back to the Cambrian.

Like this thing. Wow, is that even from Earth?

Opabinia above was from an earth waaayyy before the first chordates ever roamed the seas. We're talking the Cambrian (545-525 mya), the first period when life was noticeable in Earth's history. It was found in the Burgress Shale with things like Anomalocaris, so we can assume that these things were at least in British Columbia; a questionable specimen was also found in Australia. It was only about 3 innches long. We don't quite know what this thing ate, in part because of one very obvious trait.

Opabinia had a proboscis that looked and likely worked very much like a jagged elephant trunk. This means it probably ate shell-less, squishy little things from the sea bottom. The wormy schnoz was about a third of the length of this creature's body, and its digestive tract actually did a u-turn inside of its body. Quite twisted for one of the most primitive life forms.

Opabina also had strange limbs. Aside from the gill-covered blades, there are tiny little legs on the underside of the creature's body. They weren't jointed, so Opabinia was not quite an arthropod. The tiny legs may be precursors to arthropod legs, supporting the theory that Opabinia and its kin may be the first steps between annelids (earthworms) and arthropods. Trippy.

There has been some confusion as to Opabinia's family tree. Because of its odd "limbs," people have a hard time classing where exactly Opabinia belongs in the grand scheme of things. All sorts of things have been tossed around: arthropod, annelid-arthropod ancestor, and even the closest living relatives being water bears (tardigrades).

And tardigrades have already been made into aliens.

OPabinia is probably one of the best candidates for an alien design in the entire history of the planet. Ship or creature-get creative. Next time you design an alien race, guys, please be more creative than "generic LGM/human with makeup/reptoid." I've particularly wanted to see an alien with a different, completely inhuman jawline, more like a crow or dolphin. It's fine if you want to put aliens into everything, but think outside the box a little.

Newsflash: Dung Beetles use the Milky Way.

...wow, that title sounds dirty. If you're too young to have a mind that goes to the gutter, don't worry about what I just said. Just know that almost everything in nature has an amazing sense of navigation compared to the silly humans who use Google Maps.  Like the sailors of old, they often use the stars as a sort of natural map. It turns out that this holds true for dung beetles as well.

Many animals, including birds and humans, use stars for navigation. This is  not the case for some creatures, like pigeons, who use the Earth's magnetic pull. Given that a little insect probably doesn't have great eyesight like birds and humans, it is mind-boggling to see one use the galaxy as a road map.



If Discovery News is correct, dung beetles don't just use the starry sky, but the Milky Way for navigating as they roll their dung balls. Even on a moonless night, a dung beetle will roll its ball of feces in a perfectly straight line. It was a mystery how they could do this without moonlight.

The experiment to test this went along these lines:

 "To test their navigation, researchers watched the beetles in a planetarium under a starry sky, a sky showing only the Milky Way, and an overcast sky. The beetles had no problem maintaining their straight lines under the first two skies, but couldn’t do it when the Milky Way was indistinguishable.

Most stars are probably too dim for the insects’ eyes, the researchers said in the study published online in Current Biology."

Hm. So along with making pyramids, the ancient Egyptians figured out that dung beetles rolled their balls of feces according to the heavens. Maybe they were onto something about scarabs being sacred. I wouldn't sacrifice an animal to that, though.

Fun Spotlight: Big Run Wolf Ranch!

Instead of my usual Creature Feature, today's entry will be a totally different kind of Creature Feature. Much like many bloggers who actually go out and go things, I will provide coverage of any nature-related events I happen to encounter. I'd like to do this seriously one day- it's an awesome idea -  but funds and such will not allow. So, for now, I am limited mostly to events that happen in Illinois.

That said, if you see an event hosted at or by Big Run Wolf Ranch, don't turn it down. They happened to be at my local forest preserve last night (the 24th). That place has a lot more than just wolves, so along with Shanoa, we to see some really wild stuff:

For those of you who have no idea what a groundhog is...there ya go. This is the groundhog we in IL use for our Groundhog Day predictions. 

Skunks make amazingly great pets, even though many people would consider them wild. They also come in colors other than black and white. Kirby II here was a real doll, letting everyone pet and cuddle them. Kids even got to "babysit" him.

 There was a coyote, too. He was skittish, as a real wild coyote would be. Coyotes will not eat humans, but will eat small pets like Chihuahuas. I like them already. Pecos, our coyote, was also used as an example of a desert animal, featuring large ears and small paws. Another good example: Fennecs.

The wolf above, Shanoa, also appeared at Loyola the night we had a wolf showing. The big male, Zeus, was unwilling to come; when unwillingness is backed with a 1400-pound bite, even a wolf handler will listen. Tangent: The porcupine also could not make it.

Now, something that bugs me that did not get answered: it's hard to tell where this guy draws the line between "domesticated" and "tame." As I went into detail in my first essay on breeds, domestication is an iffy issue with no real scientific gauge to back it. I'm curious as to where this guy draws the line; his wolves and many other animals were bred in captivity and tamed.

"They Actually Eat That:" Gorilla.

 Many of you probably saw the title of this entry and went "no," or perhaps even decided to avoid it. This column is for the daring. We've done human here, before; surely an ape would surprise no one. I understand if you would like to avoid the idea that humans will, in fact, eat apes as well as monkeys and each other, but this column will attempt to approach gorilla meat with an open mind. Unfortunately, this is very hard to do; there are almost no benefits, and all but one reason for eating gorilla meat is, frankly, stupid.

From National Geographic. I don't think people eat the head...but it gets the point across.

There are exactly 3 reasons that people eat gorilla meat. None of them are good. Let's look at them anyways.

The first and most obvious one is "because gorillas are there." If you are a native African tribesman looking for some grub, there is a slim chance that you will be a picky eater. Plus, hey, you just took down a gorilla. This is the only legitimate reason - it gets worse from here.

Going in ascending order of "Worst Reasons to Eat Gorillas," people in urban areas around these tribes will also see gorilla in restaurants. People with native African ancestry eat gorilla meat because their forefathers in the forest did. This does not mean it is a good idea. See also: lutefisk, creamed herrings, and quite a few other things that stay around because they're "traditional." Just because it's traditional doesn't mean it's good.

The third and worst reason is when Europeans eat it as a unique meat. There is no tribal backing for this at all. Gorilla meat is simply exotic, and worth trying on that merit alone. Gorillas are also trophy animals, so killing a gorilla is like finding a gold mine.  Keep the head, cut a hand off for an ashtray, and get some exotic meat to boot. Reminder: I have nothing against gorillas, but I do know how these people think.

Before you even ask, no, there are absolutely no health benefits to eating gorilla meat. If anything, it will make you very, very sick. Gorillas have a lot of diseases in common with humans, including Ebola. In case you need a reminder, that's the disease that causes bloody sweat, internal bleeding, and other unmentionable hemorrhages. Screw that "save the rainforest" reason to avoid bushmeat - avoid gorilla because they can get killed by and kill us with one of our deadliest diseases.