"What Does The Fox Say?"

First off, let me just say that the song I am referencing in the title is very silly. "Stupid" would imply that I hate it, which is not 100% true; I appreciate a catchy hook for what it is. The video is also okay. It is, however, still a very silly song in that it is about a guy wondering what foxes say, and why there is no convenient onomatopoeia for it like "moo," "woof," or "meow."

What? You don't know what "onomatopoeia" is? Let's fix that!

"Onomatopoeia" is the fancy, English major word for "sound effects" in word form. Words that represent sounds like "bang," "wham," or "zoom" are onomatopoeia. They have no meaning aside from the sound they are representing. There, you've learned something.

Foxes actually have a great variety of calls. For all you dog and cat owners out there, no doubt you have noticed different noises for when your pet wants to play, is hungry, or is not in the mood for much of anything. Foxes have an extremely versatile vocal range. Your dog is a singing bum on the street compared to the vocal rock stars foxes are.

Take a lookie here:



That's a lot of very distinct sounds for one animal, no? No wonder nobody really knows what the fox said; they probably didn't even know it was a fox. 

Here's the "Vixen's Scream" they mentioned, complete with facial expressions:



Oh, and for all you Pokemon fans, here's what your Fennekin sounds like when it is happy:



Or, "AHMG YOU GAVE ME A POKEPUFF, YAAAAAYYYY!"

So, you tell me: What does the fox say? Write your own onomatopoeia for what the fox says below. I'm sure Ylvis got it right somewhere. He said too many different things for one of them not to hit the mark.

Creature Feature: Dwarf Fox.

As the previous entry hinted, low temperatures means relatively poor biodiversity. This makes a good portion of North America a wasteland compared to say, a rainforest. Does this mean we're completely bereft of unique, amazing creatures? Of course not. Here is just the thing to make you all feel good before Monday:

That is a dwarf fox, AKA island fox. It is native to exactly 6 of the 8 Channel Islands in California, with a unique subspecies for every island. Small predators eat small prey, like rodents, crabs, and fish. Interestingly, they can be found active during both day and night, depending on season.

Yes, these foxes are small. They weigh 6.2 pounds, tops. They are frequently smaller than a house cat. Invasive species not withstanding, they are the largest land animals in the Channel Islands. It's the biggest fish in a small pond with very small fish. That's insular dwarfism for you.

Science has proven that wolves have the closest thing in nature to a human family, but dwarf foxes give wolves a run for their money. They stay with one partner all their lives, and their young stay 1-2 years with mommy and daddy. Next Valentine's Day, make your lover a card with dwarf foxes on it. It'll be even cuter if you explain that these foxes are monogamous and keep their kits for a relatively long time. 

You know what makes these guys even more awesome? They're living proof that humans can restore endangered species if they really try hard enough. I detailed the decimation of the bald eagle roughly a year or two ago; the baldies around the Channel Islands were keeping the foxes from being eaten by golden eagles, who are larger. Like on many islands, feral domesticated animals were also at fault; these were eventually removed via hunting programs. Canine distemper cut one population by 90%. The fox was driven to numbers as low as 15 in the 1990's.

Today? 2,500 dwarf foxes. Conservation efforts did these little furballs wonders. The species is still listed as critical, but that recovery is amazing. That should brighten your day....now get back to work. ;)

Creature Feature/Mythbusting: WOLVES.

There is no animal more polarizing than the gray wolf, Canis lupus. Either you love wolves or you hate them. It is virtually impossible to find somebody with a neutral opinion on wolves. Well, lucky you: that's what this blog is attempting. Let's establish the various reputations that the wolf has had through the ages, shall we? Then we'll bust them like balloons in a shooting game.

The wolves in question are always some variety of Canis lupus. This species ranges from North America into Europe and Asia. They are carnivores and survival machines, hunting in packs and running prey down until it cannot keep moving. Unbeknownst to the wolves themselves, they have also left quite a mark on the human psyche.

GRRR! (Source.)

If you were born before the internet was a thing, you probably still have some remnant of the Fairy Tale Wolf stuck in your psyche. This is the wolf that ate Little Red Riding Hood in one gulp and was also trying to go after the three little pigs. This is the wolf that can walk as a human during the day, only to become a feral, man-eating canine at night. Oh, and bar abnormal conditions (humans threatening them, disease, humans threatening them with diseases), these wolves don't exist.

Let us make this very clear: Wolves do not hunt people. At least, not under normal circumstances. They would much rather avoid Homo sapiens sapiens as much as wolfishly possible. Domestic dogs attack humans more than wolves ever will. If you want to count the two as one species, as I'm prone to doing (they can screw each other just fine), then yeah, wolves are serial killers. If not, wolves are terrified of humans. We're just silly and make the fear mutual.

What wolves will attack is livestock. That is what makes them a threat to humans. By and large, they will avoid humans, but we've entered their territory - with food at that. It's like someone with a pie suddenly coming over, only you, the owner of that house, are not allowed to have any of the pie. Kinda rude, isn't it? These pies are fat, slow, and docile, too. Yes, humans are dickish to many species, wolves included.

WolfJesus died for your sins! (Source.)

Then there's the equally-wrong flipside of the coin. There are wolf fans who treat the wolf like it is some sort of sacred animal that should be prized above all others. This has varying degrees, from people who simply have wolves as their favorite animals to people who roleplay their wolfsonas like humans. The general idea is that wolves are almost exactly like humans with fur, if not idealized humans with fur. These wolves do exist, but certainly not how you think they do:

A little reminder: We do not know, 100%, what goes on inside a dog's head. Dogs have the longest history of domestication of any animal, and there's still too much foreign about them for us to say that we truly know how they tick. If dingoes are any indication, dogs can revert back to wolfishness, and then some, in a surprisingly short amount of time. Wolves do not eat babies. Dingoes do, or at least can.

With that in mind, imagine how little we know and understand about a canine that is perfectly content to live its life without ever touching humans. That is how far wolves are removed from humans in terms of behavior. Rabid wolf fans ("wolfaboos") are often guilty of anthropomorphizing. It's a common crime that has led to mental train wrecks in dogs around the world.

Yes, it is very true that wolves have been persecuted. (I'm not fully sure whether they count as the most unfairly persecuted animal ever; bats, snakes, rodents, and insects could easily give them a run for their money.) Yes, they form family units like humans do. There're some theories out there that wolves may have taught primitive humans how to hunt in groups. That does not make them humans with fur.

If you want a human with fur, you want a dog. As in, a domesticated wolf. Wild wolves do not want to so much as make eye contact with humans. Even dogs have different rules from humans, but they are closer than wolves in that regard. Dogs can mate at any time of year with relative freedom, just like humans; in a wolf pack, only the alpha male and female are allowed to mate. Every wolf wants to get laid, so there are always challenges for dominance. Any wolf lover who acts unaware of wolf rank is kidding themselves.

So, what wolf should you be looking for? The "scientific wolf," as the Field Museum put it.  Look for neutral facts. Read up on why wolves and other apex predators are important to the environment. See some wolves at Big Run Wolf Ranch (or similar) or your local zoo. The Field Museum has a great exhibit about wolves going on right now. This sounds weird coming from a blogger, but the most rabid, vicious wolves you will ever meet are on the internet. Handle those wolves with care.

Freak Week IV: Rhodesian Ridgeback.

For whatever reason, cops have been killing a lot of puppies, lately. There have been way too many instances of cops shooting family dogs, so yes, the government does kill puppies. This one happened right near where I live...and features a breed that I had not even heard about until this incident: The Rhodesian Ridgeback.

Rhodesian Ridgebacks are one of those "what else would you call it?" dogs. From Rhodesia in Zimbabwe, these strange dogs have been around since the 16th and 17th centuries (when the Cape Colony was being settled). The official standard dates back to 1922.  They are intelligent, mischievous, active dogs that require stimulation, but can be great pets so long as they are handled well.

Rhodesian Ridgebacks get their name for one very obvious trait: a ridge of hair on their spines that grows in the opposite direction from the rest of the hairs on its body. The original Ridgeback from Zimbabwe, as well as the Thai Ridgeback (one of the oldest dog breeds), also have this strange development. It looks like mostly an aesthetic thing that helps cement the breed as opposed to something useful.

PUPPIES! - Source.

Rhodesian Ridgebacks are all-around awesome dogs. They're hunters, retrievers, and great family pets. They're actually called "lion dogs" because they can hunt lions once unleashed in a pack. That said, this dog needs a lot of exercise, and has endurance that would make a marathon runner keel over. They do have issues with hip dyplasia and cancer, so even being a badass otherwise doesn't make them problem-free.

Another downside: Ridgebacks can play a little rough. If you don't assert your dominance, then they can get destructive. Is that any reason to shoot one? No. There is no way for this dog to be confused for a coyote or whatever. Some officer just up and shot a family pet. This is not cool....but on the bright side, it inspired a blog entry. My condolences; that sounded like a great dog.

Bio-Art: Inside of A Dog.

For those of you who have not been keeping up with my entries, especially during Freak Weeks, I am not a dog person. This doesn't mean that I haven't looked into them as animals  - far from it. When I found a book called Inside of a Dog: What Dogs See, Smell, and Know by Alexandra Horowitz, I got it. Not a bad deal for 6 bucks, to say the least, even though I've never had a dog.

So now you're probably wondering: Why would I investigate a book called Inside of a Dog? The simple answer is that I like looking at things from different angles. Animal behavior is fascinating; it reminds us that, hey, other animals besides humans have lives, perceptions, and so forth. Plus, in case I ever do get a dog, I want to know what makes the most bizarre non-human animal in the world tick.  Doubtless some dog owners wonder this as well. 

Inside of a Dog:What Dogs See, Smell, and Know, is not some gross book about canine anatomy. Rather, it's about the canine mind. What does a canine smile mean? What do barks, and the different kinds of barks, really mean? Do dogs see humans as another species, or as other dogs?  These are all fascinating questions that go all-but-unanswered by serious scientific studies. Inside of A Dog compiles nearly every study done on canine behavior, and then some, into a comprehensible format.

The book proposes to immerse us so thoroughly into a dog's mind that "we become honorary dogs ourselves." It does this by highlighting both scientific experiments upon dog psychology and the author's personal observations of her own dog, Pumpernickel. She watched tapes upon tapes of dogs playing to observe every nuance in their behavior. Her desire was to see into a dog's umwelt - a sort of private world that dogs can only experience because they're dogs. Seriously, we, with our pathetic noses, have no idea how much information is being exchanged when one dog sniffs another's butt.

Sound like a lot to take in? Don't worry. For the most part, the book is accessible. That's the real key to its success: It speaks to the layman without being at all condescending.  The dog's inner world is brought to light in regular, human terms, such as comparing the dog's mind to stages of human development. All scientific jargon is explained.

Despite not being a dog person, I do agree with the book on at least one count: the author's whole thesis works around breaking the strange anthropomorphy that people have with dogs. Dogs have their own umwelten; they see their world completely differently from humans, especially in regards to smell. If you want to understand dogs as something more than "low-class people," buy Inside of a Dog right now. Or heck, Christmas is coming; go ahead and get it for the literate dog lover in your life. Sit. Stay. Read.

Who Let The Dogs Out: Komondor.

You may have noticed a trend for this week: Small dogs tend to be weird. Versatile as the canid genome may be, abusing it is not without its faults. The weirdest dogs also tend to be from China, but that's beside the point.

As if to prove that not all weird dogs are small, we have the Komondor. This guy looks similar to the Puli, another Hungarian dog with a mop for fur, but is quite a bit larger. The breed has been recognized by the AKC since 1937. Although not quite Chinese, the Komondor's ancestors do hail from Tibet.  It's still cool enough to be one of Hungary's national treasures.

The Komondor's coat consists of white cords that look like albino dreadlocks. This was originally used to prevent bites from wolves that would attack sheep flocks; no matter how cool wolves are, they just can't bite through an organic mop. The moppy coat can only be white in a Komondor, so if you want black or grey, try a Puli. No, they do not come in pastel pink or any other color that would suggest that they can be treated like Crimp n' Curl Cabbage Patch Dogs. Even the Puli would be slightly offended by that; Komondors are even more serious business.

They look more like poodles as puppies. Laugh while you can.

Komondors are guard dogs. They do not even need to be told to guard sheep and cattle. There is a saying that a Komondor might let an intruder into the house, but will never let them out, leaving the helpless soul pinned under the dog's weight (which can be upwards of 80 pounds). They are always wary of strangers. That said, early socialization of these dogs is a must.

Aside from their protective temperament, Komondors have very few health problems compared to every toy breed ever. The main problems are with the eyes, including cataracts and inversion of the eyelid. Bloat is a problem in all large dogs. Due to the heavy coat, parasites are common. That coat also requires a lot of maintenance. Budget accordingly. 

Komondors may look silly to us, but they are not goofballs. The breed has the ability to think independently and has been praised for its strength, valor and courage over the centuries. They are still pretty popular today, especially for shows and livestock hunting. Don't let the haircut fool you; this dog will not back down from wolves.

Who Let The Dogs Out?: Pugs.

Humans have a very weird definition of "cute." Generally, if it has big eyes, a nearly-flat face, and a short body, it fits this definition. Animators figured this out a long time ago. There are several guides which can tell you, in scientific detail, how to design a cute character. It's really kind of creepy how well they have this pegged.

Thing is, animation rules don't always translate to real life. Case in point, pugs.




Pugs are wrinkled, little dogs who fall under the "toy" header. Generally speaking, they are small, stocky, "squarish" dogs with wrinkly faces and almost no snout. We're pretty sure pugs came from China; they may go back to 551 BCE if Confucius was indeed describing a pug. Some records say that they've been around even longer.They look a lot like the same "lion" that the Pekingese were pointed towards, only not as furry and not as spoiled by a certain empress dowager. No, they were meant to guard Buddhist monasteries.

The pug is usually summarized thus: multum in parvum, or "a lot in a little." They have a lot of personality for a small dog. They are outgoing, playful, and eager to please. They can, however, be rather stubborn as well, and require a healthy amount of exercise. Personality-wise, they are a good match for most people.

So, what's not cute about that? The combination of facial folds and large, bulging eyes creates an uncanny effect. Also, if you look at clips on YouTube, you hear pugs snorting. Indeed, pugs do have respiratory issues; they also have a million eye problems from the shortened skull and overheat really easily. There are also a few pug-exclusive diseases, including necrotizing meningencephslitis - inflammation of the brain and central nervous system. Cute comes at a price.

Pugs are one of those dogs that I, personally, look at and go, "are these really worth it?" These guys are not as notoriously aggressive as Chihuahuas, but they do come with a laundry list of problems. They sounds like good companion dogs...if you can handle the extra care involved. You mileage may vary on cuteness. Still not too bad for a dog made in China.

"They Actually Eat That"/Who Let The Dogs Out: Hot Dogs and Dachshunds.

You're probably thinking that this entry is some sort of bad joke. I already did an entry on eating dogs, after all. This was just my corny attempt to fit "They Actually Eat That" in with the theme week. I don't need to make many more bad jokes; dachshund owners do it for me.

For those of you who assumed "wiener dog" could not possibly be the right name for a dog breed, the proper title for sausage-like dogs is "dachshund."  The breed could date all the way back to ancient Egypt, but the first confirmed dachshund was recorded in the 1700's. They are now so closely associated with Germany that the 1972 summer Olympics in Germany created a dachshund mascot.

Waldi, the too-colorful dachshund mascot.

The dachshund's shape is deliberate. It was meant to hunt badgers (with the name meaning "badger hound"). That long, narrow, pointy shape fits perfectly into a badger burrow. The front paws even help for digging! There are also some mini-hot dogs bred to hunt rabbits. The pet dachshunds are usually "tweenies," or wiener dogs somewhere in the middle of the two sizes.

Believe it or not, there actually is a relationship between dachshunds and hot dogs. A German concession seller at the polo grounds in New York first called sausages in a bun "Dachshund sandwiches" sometime in the early 1900's. Supposedly, a New York Post cartoonist could not spell "dachshund," so the name "hot dog" stuck instead. That said, hot dogs themselves are mystery meat coated in bacteria that might make you sick if not cooked and cause cancer if consumed too often, so please avoid them whenever possible.

Also avoid putting them on your dog. Seriously, it looks ashamed.

The strange shape of the dachshund is not without its price. There is a spinal disc malfunction so specific to dachshunds that it's dubbed "Dachshund Paralysis" by most people. Dachshunds are lazy in old age, leading to obesity, diabetes, and all those other nice things doctors warn you about. Demeanor-wise, they are also prone to being brave to the point of recklessness, disobedient, and downright aggressive if not properly amused. E.B. White had quite an experience with his own dachshund, Fred, who "even disobeys me when I instruct him in something he wants to do." Not a beginner's dog by any means.

So, next time you see a furry little sausage at the park, bear the following in mind: 1. Dachshunds  were meant to hunt badgers, easily among the meanest furry mammals on the planet; 2. they are almost synonymous with Germany, a place known for meat, beer, and Rammstein; 3. they are aggressive, assertive little buggers who do not know what it means when you are bigger than them. Have fun sticking them in hot dog buns, now.

Who Let the Dogs Out: Pekingese.

Domesticity aside, dogs are usually considered masculine animals. You rarely, if ever, see puppies on birthday cards intended for girls. Dog meat contains a lot of yang (masculine) energy. "Bitch," the term for a female dog, denotes a woman acting like a man. No matter how cute a dog is, it's still masculine.

There are still some dogs that would make people question that perception. Toy dogs with long hair, like the Pekingese above, tend to be seen not as fully feminine, but definitely effeminate in American culture. This is not so in China, where the Pekingese is associated with royalty and, umm, this:

Pekingese dogs are based off of the Chinese perception of a lion (also called a Foo Dog or shishi). Not a real lion - a creature the Chinese made up out of every awesome animal on the planet after hearing stories about lions. China has never had lions, but they heard that whatever a lion was, it was the king of beasts. They also presumably had to get in the car - err, rickshaw - if a lion ever came around. 

The Chinese soon began breeding dogs on their idea of "lion." The "lion" had poofy hair; check. The monkey face, well, they improvised by making the Pekingese's face as flat as possible. (British show standards later outright said, "muzzle must be apparent." Good show!) Other origin stories say that the Pekingese was a cross between a lion and a monkey (or some other small animal). Whatever the case, the Pekingese was treated as a being so sacred that it could chase away demons - and foreigners.

RAWR! >:3

For the longest time, Pekingese could only be owned by members of the Chinese Imperial Palace. In particular, the Empress Dowager Cixi was very fond of Pekingese and kept several in her palace - supposedly, one for every outfit she could manage. For those of you who do not know Chinese history, Cixi was one of the many reasons China hated female rulers; she was basically their Marie Antoinette. As if building a giant jade boat instead of giving her country a decent military was not enough of a slap in the face, she also set the standards for the Pekingese breed. Charming. 

As the Pekingese became even more popular outside of the court and spread to other countries, another disturbing trend came into fashion: "Sleeve Pekingese." Pekingese were bred to be extra-small so that they could fit inside the flowy sleeves of the Chinese nobility. Thus concealed, they could be used for assassinations. Given how bitey a small dog can be, that should not be a surprise. Breeding for these mini-dogs of mini-dogs was eventually outlawed by another Chinese empress; this act alone makes her more palatable than Cixi.

Some dogs were born too late to directly benefit from Empress Tzu Hsi's kindness.

In general, breeding for small size in dogs is not the best idea. Toy dogs in general die from trauma more than anything else. Both the cardiovascular and neurological systems are at high risk. Flexible though the wolf genome may be, it has its limits.

The Pekingese also has some specific health requirements. The fur needs daily combing. The same coat that makes Pekes attractive can also lead to overheating. The flat face comes with its own issues, such as major eye problems and a high risk of respiratory disorders. There is virtually no way to screen for any of these.

You wanna know something really disturbing? Pekingese are one of the oldest breeds of dog. They go back at least 2,000 years. Genetically, they have more in common with wolves than Huskies. That just goes to show you how versatile the canine genome was before we started playing with it...and how easy it was to play with. The question is not, "can we do this?", but "should we?"

Theme Week for September: Who Let The Dogs Out?!

 

For those of you who have not been following this blog for very long, I am not a dog person. In fact, I think there are some examples of severe insanity among dog owners in particular.  The video above covers just one of my major bitches (pun intended) with dog people. It's like dogs are Jesus or something. There, I said it; props to the random person on Twitter who put my bile for the dog's seeming Mary Sue-ness in our society into one succinct phrase. It's not that I hate dogs, it's that people get insane concerning dogs.

Now, mind, I know a few people with dogs. Some of them are perfectly nice people. My best friend still talks about her deceased dog Bruno just like Foamy described; that's an issue, but I would call it the tip of the iceberg. No, it's these people I have a real problem with:

In recent years, the dog has become a total commodity. We now have a wealth of products assuring you that your dog can color-coordinate with whatever you happen to be wearing: doggy clothes; doggy birthday cakes; doggy nail polish; doggy hair dye. Dog yoga is also apparently a thing ("doga"). I'm fine with giving dogs treats, but this is disturbing when you think about it. It's overanthropomorphizing to an unhealthy degree. Yes, all pet owners do this on some level, but it borders on madness with dogs. As if to add insult to injury, this is especially prevalent on smaller dogs- dogs that already come with problems.

Mind, the early people got really lucky when they managed to domesticate the first wolf. They happened to find an animal that could not only recognize people as alpha, but had quite a few other behaviors in common as well. It also happened that wolves had an extremely versatile genome (bigger than the human genome by a LOT- 23 chromosome pairs in humans versus 39 pairs in dogs) that allowed for a great variety of breeds to flourish over the centuries.

But where did we get off turning wolves into this?

I swear there is a dog beneath all that fur.

There are some dog breeds that just make me go "why?" I've already done an entry on Chihuahuas, the most "why would you do that?" dog in the entire world,  but there are still so many more dog breeds out there that make my mind reel with WTF. Many of them have already been covered. This is just picking up more freakish scraps. Just because we can mess with the canine genome doesn't mean we should.

Bio-Art: K9 and Ruppy.

Remember Eduardo Kac's GFP Bunny project? The one in which Alba, the glowing green bunny, was supposed to be integrated into normal bunny life?  He intended to take that project to the next level by creating a GFP dog (GFP K-9). It fell through, but here's a nice Photoshopped prototype:

Pic by Kac. Disclaimer: Actual dog may vary.

Luckily for Eduardo Kac, scientists in South Korea have been hard at work making glowing puppies real. They have made glowing dogs with an on-off switch. They also made Ruppy, a beagle that glows red, in 2009. I would make a joke about eating dog, but dog research is actually legitimate in some cases. In Ruppy's...you make the call.

Ruppy was spliced with a RFP (red fluorescent protein), making her the first transgenic dog ever.  In plain English, that means she glows red beneath ultraviolet light. The pigment is not nearly as widespread as someone like Kac would like it to be; only the spots that would normally be white on a beagle's coat wind up glowing red. Still better than nothing. Remember, we got no proof that Alba actually glowed except her slightly green coloration.

She is also a cloned dog, which opens a few more cans of worms. When you get to cloning dogs as well as mice, rabbits, and rats, you now have conclusive proof that many species of mammals can be cloned safely. This naturally opens the door to questions about human cloning. Dogs are pretty darn close to people in society ("low-class people" or "high-class animals," I've heard). You would have to be living under a rock to not get how controversial cloning humans is. Dog cloning is getting there.

Let's be perfectly honest: What reason would science have to make a glowing dog other than "hey, look, we made a glowing dog!"?  You can make the "genetic disease research" argument all you like. There are very few reasons to make dogs glow. Sure, if they had a natural glowing gene that only dogs had, that'd be a good reason to breed glowing dogs; as-is, we can probably stick with rabbits and rats when it comes to treating Parkinson's.The clip in a link cited several diseases that dogs and humans have in common, but part of me just thinks they're pulling an Eduardo Kac and making their genetic research look cool in the process.

The most plausible reason to experiment on dogs is to look at things that change with age, specifically fertility. The same scientist who made Ruppy is working on a project with oestrus triggers. We can only assume that a hose will be involved. Whether these tests will be repeated on humans or not remains to be seen.

Bio-Art: Cool Things on eBay.

I have a little philosophy regarding any form of art involving animals or their parts: If it isn't real, don't buy it. While I am not an advocate of animal cruelty, a lot of meaning is lost if something like, say, a shark tooth necklace doesn't even have real shark teeth. It's not like shark teeth are hard to find. It's not like real dead bugs or fish are hard to find, either. Luckily, China does a lot of cool things with dead animals, even if some of them are rather morbid.

 OK, so this one isn't a real centipede. Shoot me. Still, I did not know centipedes were in vogue right now. This would be awesome to see with a real bug. Cut up a centipede into,  say, 5 pieces, enclose them all in lucite, and mount them on a leather band like that. That would be hardcore.

Wolf's teeth pendants have also been popping up a lot.I'm not sure how 'traditional' or 'Tibetan' these are, but if they're made of real wolf's teeth, people are sure to snap them up for so many reasons. Don't get sobby on me, wolfaboos; grey wolves are plentiful in most of the world. Besides, I'm sure werewolf fanatics won't use these to attempt sympathetic magic with the wolves...right?

Yes, that is exactly what it looks like: A paperweight with a real dead bat in it. I'd buy it in a heartbeat if they managed to stuff a painted bat in there (Kerivoula picta), but otherwise, no sell. Still a pretty cool paperweight for the inner goth that resides in every cube dweller's soul. Look up Gaofudev if curious.

This has to be one of the weirdest things I've ever seen on eBay, and I've seen a lot of weird things on eBay. Again, that's exactly what it looks like: a paperweight with a cow plop in it. I'm all for bringing some of the country into the city, but that's pushing it. I'm having trouble rationalizing the existence of this. Comment below if you have any good ideas as to why this might have come into being.

Finally, if wearing tribal lizard bracelets or live snakes wasn't edgy enough...how about turtle bling? No? Whaddya mean, "turtles aren't deadly enough?" That's still a fully-preserved baby turtle (red-eared slider) in there.  Surely that counts for something. (This also comes in glow in the dark, by the way.)

Still haven't found that green rose chafer block clock. I'm sure the aquarium mouse I wanted to put up here will resurface as well (ha ha). Next week will get a little more artistic than a lucite paperweight with cow dung in it, I promise.

Why Are Dog Owners Crazy?

For the last year or so, I've been considering getting a dog. Specifically, I have plots to breed a bully whippet to a hairless dog and remind people that dogs can be seriously freaky animals. Of course, I need to understand how dogs work before doing that; I know how the genetics behind those two traits work, at least. Whether the breeding actually happens will come with time.

Then I see stuff like this and go, "Hm, maybe a dog isn't such a good idea after all."



It would seem that some dog owners are just as displeased as I am about the relatively narrow color palette mammals have to work with. They also have doggie 'weddings,' doggie yoga, and probably the infamous doggie nail polishing, too. This show is unfortunately the tip of the iceberg.

I will admit that dogs (or, rather, wolves) have the benefit of a diverse genome and having many behaviors in common with humans. It's really no surprise at all that dogs were the first domesticated animals. Dogs have been great service animals over the years. Even though they're essentially retarded wolves, they're pretty cool animals.

That doesn't mean some dog owners don't completely cross the line at times. There are some things, like the extreme examples mentioned above, that make dog owners look crazy. Here are a few more where that came from:

Dog clothes aren't anything new. Some breeds, like the Chinese Crested, may even need clothes when the weather gets harsh. That doesn't make them any less humiliating when used for a purpose outside of protecting a dog from the temperature. It goes so far that dogs actually have shoes. In the immortal words of Jay Leno, "your dog will not wear that." Granted, they tolerate it better than cats.

Hey, while you're at the groomer's, why not give your dog a full salon treatment? Sure, maybe dying your dog to look like a panda isn't in anymore, but nail polish never gets old! OPI has made a special brand called "Pawlish" that's safe for dogs in case they lick their nails. They have a few helpful tips for applying it. At least it dries quickly.

This might be a shocker to some of you, but celebrating birthdays is a cultural thing. It is not done the same way everywhere, if it is done in a place at all. McDonald's is largely to thank for the popularity of birthdays and birthday cake in Asia. Not all humans really 'get' birthdays - what on earth makes dog people think that their furry friends will grasp such a distinct cultural concept? Regardless, dog birthday cakes are a thing. Back when Chicago still had Three Dog Bakery, they were cited as a glaring economic frivolity by the book Naked Economics. The dogs nonetheless recognize food as a good thing, so I suppose there's no harm done...

Then there's dog-friendly beer. You read that right: Dog beer. Apparently, we like dogs so much that we consider them drinking buddies. Apologies if you spat some regular beer out upon reading this paragraph.

As should be obvious, these items are treatments are the result of extreme anthropomorphizing. This is common in dogs to the point where it causes problems. The human thinks the dog is a human baby. The dog thinks it is a wolf. You see the difficulty.

The situation is different with exotic pet owners. Yes, snake owners anthropomorphize, too, but at least we don't put clothes on our animals. Or buy them birthday cakes. Or make special lizard beer. We're a little more aware that our pets are another species.

To reiterate: Yes, dogs are cool animals. Things like fancy treat dispensers and water fountains are fine; what animal doesn't like treats and free water? You dog will still not understand the idea of a birthday cake beyond, "oh, hey, free treat today!" Putting clothes on a dog is understandable when it's for, say, bad weather or to let people know that your Labrador's doing the seeing for you, but otherwise, clothes are for people. Your dog does not support your favorite sports team no matter how many doggie beers you give him during the Super Bowl.Wolves may have some behaviors in common with humans, but there is a limit to how much anthropomorphizing you can do before scarring a puppy for life.

Big In Japan: The Japanese Wolves.

Is there any animal more overrated than wolves? We mean this in the best and worst senses: either wolves are the meanest, nastiest, most powerful nemeses around, or they are sweet, gentle, timid creatures that were as unfairly persecuted as Native Americans. There is no middle ground. Oh, and by the way, Balto lied to us as kids on so many levels. (When we make an entry on wolfdogs, we will cover him more thoroughly.)

Now, to be fair, wolves are among the few animals that humans have attempted to eradicate. Teddy Roosevelt unleashed a mange-carrying parasite among American wolves that quickly spread from one wolf to the rest of the pack. (Among other animals with systematic eradication policies are snakes (many people down South will kill a snake on sight - regardless of species), invasive Australian rabbits, and the Tasmanian Tiger (which we realized was awesome too late.)) "Wolfaboos" will often cite eradication of wolves as evidence for us to love them. We have to admit: Infecting a lot of them with sarcoptic mange was pretty mean. Now we know how important wolves are. Get off our backs about it.

In present-day Japan, wolves are darn near divine. This is largely because both of the wolves Japan had are officially extinct (although the shrines to them likely predate at least one extinction). Calling the wolves ookami (a homophone for "great god") is their way of saying  "we're very sorry."

Did we mention Japan loves homophones?

Unlike the Western Big Bad Wolf, the ōkami is generally a benevolent spirit. If dealt with wisely, it can be an honest, pure creature that protects its new friend from other wolves. Other wolves that encounter stupider humans may become the same man-eating monsters as found in Grimm's fairy tales. People protected by the ōkami will generally leave it an offering of beans and rice. Disclaimer: THE AUTHOR DOES NOT ENDORSE TRYING THIS WITH CORPOREAL WOLVES AND IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY LIMBS LOST.



We do, however, admit that both of the Japanese wolf subspecies were hunted down like their American counterparts. The reasoning is also similar to the situation in the U.S.: ranchers had issues with the wolves eating their animals. In the Meiji Period, the government officially used chemical warfare against the Hokkaidō Wolf (C.l.hattai), which was already suffering from habitat loss. It was officially declared extinct in the late 1800's.



The other Japanese wolf, the Honshū Wolf (C.l.hodophilax), was a much smaller variety and is considered the Japanese wolf. Hardly a threat to ranchers at a little over a foot high, environmental threats pushed it closer and closer to human habitation. Farmers still shot the mini-wolves if they got too close. Many of them also acquired rabies in 1732. The chibi-wolf was officially declared extinct in 1905. It lives on in spirit, but not in body. In other words, Wolf's Rain already happened.

Not too sure about the human form thing, though. Or the albino chick.

 

As with the sightings of the Tasmanian Tiger, there exist sightings of Japanese wolves. This entry is not about saving the wolves, however; as long as we aren't eradicating them, they will be just fine. Relax.

Creature Feature: Dhole.

Wolves are overrated. Yes, they are cool animals, and yes, they are the closest relatives to the domestic dog, but they aren't endangered, aren't the most powerful predators around, and are overanthropomorphized like crazy. They are not even endangered anymore, so wolf-lovers cannot use the generic "it's endangered so it must be cool!" defense. There, I said it.

Instead, how about investing your collective energy into canids that do need love and are actually rebellious? Dholes fit the bill nicely, and probably look just wild enough to incite the inner rebel that we all have during our teenage years.

From the University of Massachusetts.

Dholes (Cuon alpinus) are a type of wild dog native to South and Southeast Asia. They are called red wolves, red dogs, whistling dogs, chennai, and mountain wolves. The main differences between these dogs and official members of the genus Canis (wolves and domestic dogs) are the amount of teats and teeth. Yes, mammal classifications are that subtle.



 Dholes have a few other, more visible traits that sets them apart from wolves. For example, they always let their puppies eat first at a kill. As in the video above, they also whistle to talk to each other; it is a much more pleasant sound than barking. This creature should be instant mammal fan fodder, looking like a wolf mixed with a fox, but nope. No love. 

Dholes, like honey badgers, show almost no fear. Once they get in a pack, anything except humans becomes fair game.  They will attack boars, wildebeests, and even other big predators like tigers and leopards. Although instances of taking on tigers are rare and always come with casualties to the pack, dholes have been known to chase tigers into trees. Tigers that run rather than fight are nearly always killed. When was the last time one saw a wolf doing that?



Unlike wolves, even native cultures have nothing good to say about dholes. Until dholes were officially protected in 1972, farmers shot them in the name of protecting livestock. Their pelts were also valuable in China, but still had no "OMG DIVINE STATUS" like wolves tend to get, especially in modern times. In various European sources, such as the French passion plays and gothic sagas, dholes are characterized as hellhounds. Even Rudyard Kipling cut the dhole no slack in Red Dog, and he's the guy who made a giant python into a believable, fun character.

Alas, the dhole's range has shrunk considerably since prehistoric times. If art is any indication, the dhole once ranged across most of Eurasia. Now, its habitat is limited to India, Indonesia, and parts of China.  They have been shot by hunters and have niche competition with domestic dogs. (See, anti-exotic people? Even domesticated animals can cause ecological damage.) Sometimes, domestic dogs slip into dhole packs, just because, making things even more confusing.

By the way, dholes do not domesticate. At all. Go with the silver foxes from Russia.

Freak Week III: Shar-Pei.

Wait. Wait. You said Thursday would have a tough dog, right? That is not a big, mean, tough dog like a Rottweiler or pit bull. That is a giant Beanie Baby made real.

Actually, the Shar-pei is one of the most ancient dog breeds in existence. As the name might suggest,  this breed originated in China, and has a black tongue like the Chow Chow. Shar-pei are known for their baggy skin (especially as puppies), courage, and rarity. This does not mean that there are no puppies waiting to be hugged.




Adorable though those wrinkly puppies may be, they still show the Shar-Pei's fighting lineage when playing. The loose, rough skin of the Shar-pei allows the dog to bite back if the skin is grabbed, giving it an advantage in the dog pits. Fighting Shar-pei was reserved for the upper classes in China; among peasants, the Shar-pei was used as a guard dog, cowherd, and boar hunter. That thick skin has multiple applications!

The Shar-pei's unique skin is a mutant form of the gene coding for hyaluronic acid, a substance found in the skin, connective tissues, and brain matter.  A similar malfunction can occur in humans, also leading to excessive wrinkles. This sounds like the best job ever .

As one might imagine, overbreeding for wrinkles causes considerable problems. The "Western" Shar-pei is known to have its own disease, Familial Shar-Pei fever, due to overbreeding for adult wrinkles. They are also notoriously allergic to any grain-based dog foods, again probably due to that strange skin. It is important to find a good Shar-pei breeder if you wish to acquire one of these strange dogs, so research research research!

"They Actually Eat That:" Truffles.

Forgive my lateness. Had to stay up at campus a little later on Wednesday, but don't worry, I would never miss a chance to show you all some seriously weird food. This is a little bit hard during Breed Week - whoever would admit that certain breeds are good for food? Even if they are, most of them are not remotely weird. (The Belgian Blue is an obvious exception.)

So this is something different and tangentially-related to domesticated animals.

 

Connoiseurs of my blog have probably heard of the fungi called truffles. Besides being a delicious chocolate treat, truffles are a type of fungus usually found near the bases of various trees, particularly oak, beech, hazel, and pine. The European black and white truffles are delicious, but very, very expensive. Chinese truffles are often used as a cheap substitute.

Truffles are not domesticated, per se. They can be farmed (Australia has had the best luck), but are not sufficiently differentiated enough from their wild counterparts to be considered breeds. Truffle fields return to wildness easily, sending the search for easy truffles back to square one. These things are so hard to find that humans need special animals just to discover them, thus explaining the price tag...



...even though piggies can find them no problem.

The classic way to find truffles is to get a healthy sow and take her out for a little walk. Since truffles smell like a horny boar's saliva, the pig's sensitive nose will pick up the scent. Sows can smell the fungi up to three feet underground. We can only imagine that her desire would be doubled if she herself wanted some lovin'. As one might expect, pigs do sometimes eat the truffles. If your Playboys came with a hamburger inside the pages, you probably would, too.

Japan has the right idea.

Of course, pigs are not the only animals with a keen sense of smell. Dogs, specifically the Lagotto Romangolo (Romagna Water Dog) can also be trained to sniff for truffles. The Lagotto breed has been in the business for only 100 years, which is a short time compared to ancient Roman truffle hogs.

You can also tell it's hypoallergenic because of its poodle-ish fur.

For the record, yes, I have actually eaten truffles. If you want to try some good ones, they have truffles in everything in Piazza Navona, a certain square in Rome. They put truffles on pizza, in fettucine, and have a godly gelato called tartufo- no real truffles involved, just using the name. Truffles are delicious, but I personally would not go into any pig sties after eating them!

Freak Week III: Pit Bulls.

Pitting animals against each other has been around since the dawn of man. It probably started when one man said, "dude, let's start placing bets on what ram's gonna butt the other harder" or some such similar wager. Soon this evolved into putting domesticated animals against each other in high-stakes matches. Modern examples include monkey fighting, various types of bug-fighting and cockfighting.

Oh, and dog fighting. Can't forget that.



The American Pit Bull Terrier has become the Western world's poster child for dog fighting. Although the title says "American," the founding stock is from the United Kingdom. The term "pit bull" can technically vary in meaning depending on the area, ranging from the APBT to any dog in the molosser group. For now, we will be discussing only the APBT, which is most easily identified by its bigger-than-average head.

My head's not big!

In its early stages, the pit bull breed was used in bull- and bear-baiting. "Baiting" of these animals consisted of many dogs ganging up on the larger, enraged beast, which was usually tied to a pole just to be sure the dogs would win. After these sports were effectively outlawed, rat baiting and dog fighting became more popular, resulting in the pit bull we see today. Pit bulls have also been historically used for herding and delivering messages in both World Wars, and can be fine, loyal, perfectly gentle family pets.

Pit bulls, even mixes, have a reputation for being vicious. After their popularity as pets declined, their reputation as fighting dogs skyrocketed. This is not entirely unjustified; pit bulls and pit bull mixes take home the dubious award of having the most dog attacks to their name (and this year isn't over!). If pitties scored higher than Golden Retrievers on temperament tests, we sure don't want to get in the way of a Golden.

This does not mean that they are bad dogs. 



 I have met pure pit bulls. They act just like every other puppy as puppies. Even the adult pits I have met were not bad dogs. As per Wikipedia, fighting dogs are bred to be gentle around humans, but vicious towards other animals - emphasis on "gentle around humans."  This more or less coincides with my own experiences with pits and pit mixes.

Alas, it's not that simple. Pit bulls were bred to fight, and, although it is fine if you do not raise yours to fight, realize that some people buy pit bulls because they were bred to fight.  For example: The one pit bull I did see with a full butcher shop was owned by a guy sporting tattoos and piercings. I am not saying that he was a professional dog fighter or anything, but he certainly wanted to look tough. (I have also heard that some people refuse to neuter their pets because it feels like they are castrating themselves.) The owners of (pure) pit bulls may well be looking for tough dogs, whether they intend to fight them or not.

Go ahead. TRY and ban this face!

 

This coincides with "there are no bad dogs, only bad owners." Pit bulls used to be perfectly fine to keep as pets, but after their popularity declined, they became seen as fighters more than lovers. The reputation that pit bulls currently have is enough to make one worry around them - especially if one sees a pitty with his junk still in tact (there are a number of rather unsavory explanations for that). It's not that the dogs themselves are bad, but one must wonder what the owners intend for them.

Banning will not stop anything that supposedly comes with pit bulls. There will always be blood sports, no matter what legislation you make. There will always be people using their dogs to prove that they, as people, are superior. Even if pit bulls were banned, chances are that things like Rottweilers would become their replacement as a "tough dog" with aaaalllll the strings attached.  

Well, Rottweilers...or Thursday's furry freak.

Freak Week III/Bio-Art: The Breed (2006)

Heeeey! Guess what time it is? Freak Week III time! That means we're going to be looking at vicious, strange animals made not by nature, but by...MAN! Yes, Freak Weeks are all about the crazy breeds made by humans. They are usually inbred as all get-out for traits not normally found in their wild counterparts, so yes, all breeds are freaks by definition.



What better way to kick off this week than with a look at a movie titled The Breed? True to the title, The Breed centers around a special breed of dog selected for aggressive behavior, not to mention being genetically-enhanced. The project is soon abandoned by the military, leaving the island desolate and the dogs running wild.

Some time later, a group of college students decide to crash on the island for a few days. No sooner are they all settled in when a vicious, angry beast attacks them...

...AWWWWWW! At least, that's the general response from the college students until the puppy's pack members find it and shit hits the fan. The rest of the movie is the college students running from the dogs, which are honestly way smarter than even a wolf pack would be. We're talking dolphin-level smart. Either that, or the humans were bigger idiots than I first thought.

According to the director, the point of The Breed was to make the audience see dogs in a new way. One could argue that Cujo had already done that. The point of both was to make something familiar and normally docile, Canis lupus familiaris, into a terrifying monster even worse than the wolf. Since mythology had been doing this for centuries, I was keen on seeing a modern take.

The dogs in The Breed look like one would expect aggressive dogs to look: Pointed ears, big, not fond of being held, and no flashy piebaldism. The vet-to-be confused one of the feral puppies for a large German Shepherd. Some of them almost looked like African Wild Dogs at first. They all looked like dogs bred for kicking ass and eating it, too, even if they were a little variable for one breed. Kudos to whomever picked the attack dogs for the movie!

This is not one of them; this is a wolfdog.

To demonstrate exactly how much the dog has been bred down, several people have bred wolfdogs. Add the smallest drop of wolf into a doggie gene pool and dogs start to go crazy. They howl. They become more intelligent. They are more curious, and thus more destructive. Overall, they are not predictable. The Breed made its point: All it takes is one breeder (or animal abuser) to bring back the wolf in the domestic dog. If only college life was not in the way!

Just because it struck me as passably interesting does not mean it was a good movie. The writing in this thing is terrible. Seeing college students being college students while killer dogs are roaming an abandoned island does not make a good movie. (Maybe that's me; I have ZERO sympathy for college students whose sole aim in life is to get wasted and laid.) It still manages to make its point, especially since someone did get injured while making the film. Cujo probably does it better. Watch it for kicks - nothing more, nothing less. I would love to see Film Brain tear this apart.