Creature Feature: Black Swallower.

It's about time I got back into the swing of things. That means more cool creatures, hopefully with another 6-day week of entries at a faster pace. There is still more weird stuff out there, and I intend to cover a lot of it. In this case, a friend of mine was awesome enough to send me a real monstrosity:

The black fish above is a black swallower (Chiasmodon niger). These small (10 inch) fish are restricted to dark, tropical and subtropical waters.  They themselves are rather dark, being brown and scaleless like many non-glowing abyssal animals. They eat bony fish for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Yes, we are still talking about the tiny black fish - not the pearly blue fish it attempted to eat.

Oh, and yes, the thing did indeed swallow something larger than its entire body up there. It can swallow prey over twice its length and ten times its mass. The black swallower doesn't bother to chew them, either - just swallows them whole, presumably jaw-walking over them from the tail up just to fit it all in. Nobody has ever seen this taking place. This is almost like a human swallowing a whole cow without chewing, regardless. Have fun with that image.

To help with this insane capacity to swallow, the black swallower's stomach is so stretchy that it makes python skin look like plastic. Things are enclosed whole in the stomach lining, which can stretch so thin that it looks like a bubble waiting to be popped. As one can imagine, this doesn't work 100% of the time; many black swallowers have been found with their stomachs popped like fleshy bubbles.

It's a miracle that almost nobody has done anything in pop culture with this weird little fish. Its strange eating habits sound like the perfect setup for a monster. Combine it with certain other abyssal creatures and we might have a terror of the deep on par with Jaws. Better still, its young have been found near Bermuda. Hm...I sense a new B-horror flick coming on.

Newsflash: Name That Fish and Win A Trip!

There's an unconscious gap between scientists and laypeople. Usually, the average Joe has nothing to do with labs and such. We're just the consumers of science; we don't make it. That's up to smart people in labs with white coats...right?

Well, National Geographic is doing something about that. A new fish has been discovered, and it's up to you and I to give it a common name. The scientists have their hands full tracing the fish's taxonomic history, but anyone can give it a common name. From July 31 to August 26th, National Geographic is giving one of us non-science-y folks a chance to name a colorful fish cited off the coast of Chile. More below:

"What's in a name? Whether you're star-crossed lovers in a Shakespeare play or researchers exploring the ends of the Earth, names can be everything. A proper name can transcend languages and cultures, allowing anyone around the world to know who or what you're talking about.

Now, folks have a chance to help give a mystery fish a new identity—and for one lucky contest winner, a chance to go on a ten-day trip to the Galápagos.

Discovered in February in the seas surrounding the Desventuradas Islands (the "unfortunate" islands in Spanish) off the coast of Chile, experts say this fish (pictured) could be a new species.

The National Geographic Society is holding a contest from July 31 to August 26 to give this mystery fish a common name. People can enter their submissions in the comment box below. (Learn more about the contest rules.)

National Geographic Explorer-in-Residence Enric Sala came upon the four-inch (ten-centimeter) creature while exploring a seamount near San Félix Island (map) in the eastern Pacific Ocean.

While maneuvering a submersible 436 feet (133 meters) down a basalt wall, Sala and colleagues spotted several brightly colored spots hovering near the rock. "We got closer and tried to focus and zoom our video camera to get a closer look, but the spots darted into a hole and disappeared as soon as our submarine lights were on them," Sala wrote in an email." Source and entry page here.

All you have to do is comment with a name on the page linked above. Then you'll be automatically entered into the drawing. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to name an animal; take it. The trip to the Galapagos is a nice bonus, too. Have fun, get creative, and good luck!

Creature Feature: Lumpsucker.

 Happy Father's Day! After yesterday's news, it's time for something positive about dads...right?

Unfortunately, in much of the animal world, dads are dicks. I'm not even going to sugar-coat that. They mate, knock up a female, then move on. The vast majority of the time, babies are given no paternal care - and before you say "that's only reptiles blah blah blah," one, both parents leave after the eggs hatch in reptiles, and two, mammals tend to mate and run just as fast.

That said, there are some great animal dads, like this fellow:

Along with being awesome dads, lumpsuckers probably win the award for "weirdest fish you never heard of." There are 27 species of "lumpsucker, but the titular fish is Cyclopterus lumpus- yes, "lumpus" is apparently a Latin word, now. C. lumpus can be found in the colder, rockier parts of the Atlantic, Pacific, and Arctic Oceans. (Worth noting: the Pacific Spiny Lumpsucker is extremely popular, and merits its own entry.) Their closest relatives are lionfish, which almost everybody who has ever been to an aquarium or exotic pet store has probably seen at least once, and perch, which are a pretty common fish. They look nothing like the scaleless ping-pong balls called lumpsuckers.

Yet, surprisingly, these little weirdos make relatively good dads by fish standards. In lumpsuckers, the male almost does more work than the female. The male makes the nest, for example. After eggs are laid, he guards the brood. Considering lumpsuckers make cheap caviar, it's a good thing someone's guarding those eggs. It helps that his pelvic fin has evolved into a suction cup, leading to the rather amusing image here:

From Wikipedia. Too cute!

Now, here's why they're called "lumpsuckers." They look like little lumps and have pelvic disc suckers. Yes, lumpsuckers, like some weird Pokemon GameFreak never came up with, have suction cups on the bottom. This thing looks terrifying when seen from beneath, but also makes for some of the cutest fish images on the entire internet. It's similar to the suction that remoras have, but is used for the less badass purpose of clinging to anything that happens to be around while it munches slow-swimming, bottom-dwelling stuff. This thing has evolved the laziness adaptation nerds never could.

Also, guess what? They actually eat that! Apparently lumpfish is not only popular as caviar, but as meat as well. Iceland loves it so much that whole fisheries have been founded on lumpfish.Then again, considering their habit of preserving fish in horrible, maddening ways...we'll let lumpfish slide. We cool, Iceland?

Creature Feature: Greenland Shark.

Want an animal that could still be around 10,000 years after humanity? Sharks. Sharks are badasses that ate dinosaurs.  If we haven't dehydrated the planet, sharks will live, and they will always be associated with Jaws music in the back of our minds.

Enter the Greenland shark (Somniosus microcephalus). True to the name, it is native to the area around Greenland and Iceland. They are the largest species of dogfish and northernmost species of shark. Unlike most sharks that the general populace is aware of, these guys are probably primarily scavengers, picking on whatever carrion they can get. They also have live babies, just like boas and several other species of shark.

First of all, these sharks are huge. Jaws huge. They can grow up to 23 feet from head to tail and live around 200 years. Luckily for us, they swim only 1.6 miles per hour; a human can easily outdo that. If they did not have such derpy little mouths, we might be inclined to take them more seriously. Huge? Yes. Threatening? Hardly.


From: Fishindex.blogspot.com.

These sharks will eat any meat that fits in their goofy-looking mouths. Along with things that one might assume like seals and fish, Greenland sharks can eat reindeer and polar bears. Read that again: Reindeer and polar bears are on this thing's menu. Dear Hallmark: start marketing this thing on Christmas cards, because it's eating your mascots.

Did we mention that its flesh was poisonous? No? It is. The Greenland shark has an extremely high trimethyline oxide content in its skin. Sled dogs who eat the flesh won't die, but are unable to stand from the poison. In humans, the meat causes symptoms akin to high drunkenness. It tastes so much like piss that the folklore around the shark usually involves urine.

Wait a minute...what? Did I just say they actually ate that?

Creature Feature: Loosejaw Stoplight Fish.

Ah, back to the deepsea abyss. Regardless of how many people treat space as the final frontier, we have yet to truly know our own planet. Even taking deep sea trawling into account and having orange roughy constantly in classy restaurants, the abyss is almost as unknown as the rainforest. How similar can things down there be to life on land when it evolved without sunlight? The Sumerians believed that their embodiment of the ocean, Tiamat, birthed unholy monstrosities; they were right.

RAWR. 

Check out this thing: the stoplight loosejaw (Malacosteus niger). It is a denizen of the deepsea abyss, eating anything large enough to catch in its teeth. It is not a very big fish by any means - only 25 cm long. A lot of abyssal fish are shown with the lens zoomed in; even the largest anglerfish can easily fit in the palm of one's hand. Just because it's easy cat food doesn't mean it isn't neat.

The stoplight fish gets its name from a single unique trait: it can produce not one, but two different colors of bioluminescence. It makes red and blue-green light - just like a traffic signal. Blue-green light passes well in the ocean depths; nine out of ten times, things will give off blue light if they glow in the depths. Red light is like its private hunting and communication signal; it also means that red-colored things are not safe from this fish's extending head.

Source. 

Yes, the "loosejaw" part comes from a very loose jaw indeed. In fact, it can dislocate its entire head to snap up edibles. The only other thing that does that is a dragonfly nymph - an invertebrate. That's how creepy-cool abyssal stuff is: it can all but behead itself on a regular basis and be fine. C'mon, Hollywood- make a monster out of this. Swallowing things like that is a talent.

Don't be fooled by Ariel. The bottom of the ocean is not a place full of happy sea creatures singing about how great life is. It's a place of psychedelic darkness trying to kill you with pretty lights and jaws out of nowhere. 

"They Actually Eat That:" Orange Roughy.

If you live near any big city, there is a fine chance that there is an aquarium near you. Aquariums tend to have handy little pocket guides for what seafood is safe and sustainable and what is not. If you can get a hold of such a chart, I can promise you this fellow will be on the "avoid" list. Not the guy, the fish:

Source.

The fish above is an orange roughy (Hoplostethus atlanticus). It is a deep-sea fish, much like the anglerfish and other glowing creatures. The red-orange color comes from eating crustaceans, just like with pink flamingoes. It is also called a "slimehead" or "deepsea perch." "Slimehead"- what a lovely name. It makes "roughy" sound appealing by comparison. 

Here's the kicker: every single orange roughy is wild-caught. Certain restaurants might even market this fact. There are no orange roughy farms, yet tilapia and salmon pile themselves upon grocery shelves. It seems to be a fairly popular fish, so why hasn't anybody tried to farm them?

Here's a little-known facet of what makes an animal good for domestication: the reproductive age must be equal to or less than that of a human. Humans start becoming reproductively-capable in their teens; most pet and farm animals take two years, if that, until they are ready to reproduce. The orange roughy takes anywhere from thirty-three years to fifty. 

Yes, this popular food fish takes fifty years to become sexually mature. Anyone who wanted to breed orange roughy would be in for a very long wait. Even if someone possessed that amazing level of dedication, they would not be able to keep up with the demand for this fish. The orange roughy on one's plate could be around 150 years old - most humans do not live that long. No wonder the stocks around Australia and New Zealand are depleted -  they're trying to feed creatures that multiply like rodents. Never mind the mercury; orange roughy is on that "avoid" list for a very good reason.

Personal preference time:I have tried orange roughy, unsustainable though it may be. I absolutely love this fish. It ranks up there with halibut and certain forms of salmon as one of my favorite food fish. Aside from sweets, this fish is among my guiltiest of guilty pleasures. Now I'm going to feel even guiltier about ordering it at a certain Greek restaurant.

Creature Feature: Ribbon Eel.

Eels seem to have a really bad reputation. Any and all eels suddenly become electrified. They're naturally slimy, not scaly, making them even less appealing than snakes to most people. Eels pretty much snakes of the sea, even though seasnakes are things.

Well, this is an eel that breaks that stereotype into a million little pieces. The ribbon or Bernis eel (Rhinomuraena quaesita) is a colorful creature that can be found in the Indian and Pacific Oceans. It feeds on crustaceans - i.e. crabs, shrimp, and other little armored things.  As one can imagine, it has been introduced into the aquarium trade...but more on that later.

This is one impressive-looking eel. The  ribbon eel comes in a variety of colors, but by far the most shocking is a bright blue and yellow palette found on some of the males. They also have distinctive nostril flares that look almost like little flowers. Need any more reasons for Asian cultures to think that dragons come from fish?

RAWR! (Actually, it's just breathing.)

The ribbon eel is exceptional in another way: It's a sequential, protandric hermaphrodite. A ribbon eel starts as a male, then becomes a female later in life. This is not unusual for fish, but most moray eels do it the opposite way! In fact, most fish prefer to start female. The ribbon eel just keeps getting weirder.

Supposedly, healthy ribbon eels will live up to twenty years in captivity. Very few individuals have been able to keep them for that long. They don't even have a truly functional care sheet on fishchannel.com, meaning that nobody knows enough about these eels to write a thorough guide. From what we could gather, it's a miracle for ribbon eels to live over 5 years in an aquarium. Anyone have an experience to prove us wrong?

This creates a problem. A lot of people really love these eels, but captive breeding is almost unheard of. There is a good chance that overfishing could lead to these creatures becoming endangered. Please be sure to check where such specimens come from so as to preserve the wild little dragons.

Creature Feature: Scooter Blenny.

Much to one's surprise, Petco can be a learning experience. Most of their exotics are beginner-friendly and can hardly be considered exotic to people who really know the trade. Every now and again, though, they'll have something that is not beginner-level and probably should not be in the hands of the next kid who thinks it looks awesome.

This is a clear exception to the "beginners" rule. It was labeled as a "scooter blenny," but the more proper name is ocellated dragonet (Synchiropus ocellatus). It is native to the southern waters around Japan and an island chain called the Marquesan Islands- good luck finding that obscure chain of Pacific islands on a globe. We had not even heard of them until covering this little fish. It feeds mostly on copepods - a sort of zooplankton.

Names can be very deceiving. This is not a blenny; it is an entirely different type of fish called a dragonet. Dragonets are all minor predatory fish with flashy fins and a taste for small sea life. They generally prefer the bottom of the reef or tank, and the scooter/ocellated dragonet is no exception. After seeing one of these in action, it appears to be walking on the bottom of the tank (thus "scooter"). Not as awesome as a batfish, but still pretty neat.

Source. Gorgeous.

As one might expect of such a flashy fish, the ocellated dragonet exhibits sexual dimorphism. The males have larger dorsal fins with a patch of bright orange at the base. The word "ocellated" refers to the eyespots on the fin up there. The females are much less colorful, blending right in with the gravel in the aquarium. Still a treat to watch "walk," in any case.

Contrary to their presence at Petco, dragonets of any sort are not beginner's fish. As one might imagine, live copepods are hard to come by, and these guys are picky eaters. Most draconets die shortly after purchase because they won't eat. They also live longer in established reef settings. Read: You must already be able to handle a saltwater tank, which in itself is not as easy as it sounds. To be fair, Petco has several other saltwater things, so if it's a tank you're after? Do your own homework before going there, then start away.

Newsflash 2: Many Finding Nemo Species Endangered.

Now for something completely different but nonetheless heartbreaking: A lot of the species in  Finding Nemo are in danger of going extinct. Scientific American put out this little tidbit in 2011:

"One in every six species related to characters in the movie Finding Nemo is threatened by extinction, according to a new study out today. The authors examined the extinction risk of 1,568 species within 16 families of well-known marine animals represented in the 2003 Academy Award-winning animated film.

All species of marine turtles (“Squirt” and “Crush”) and more than half of all hammerhead sharks (“Anchor”), mackerel sharks (“Bruce” and “Chum”), and eagle rays (“Mr. Ray”) are threatened. Seahorses (“Sheldon”) are the most threatened group of bony fish in Finding Nemo, with two in five species at risk of extinction. Clownfish aren’t safe now, either, and they certainly weren’t in 2003 after the film’s release when local RotoRooter dispatch centers received calls from families whose kids flushed the fish after watching the movie. Charisma, in other words, is not enough. Despite a demonstrated need for conservation action, regulation of trade in endangered marine species is severely deficient for those with high economic value, like sharks."

- Source. 


So even though the film reeeeeaaaalllly pushed "kids, don't snag fish straight from the reef," a bunch of kids went and did it because NEMO! Yes, clownfish are adorable. No, one should not go all the way out to the reef to get one of a kid who has not kept anything beyond a goldfish. Aquariums are complex, difficult to maintain systems, with saltwater (as Nemo's would be) being even harder than fresh. Not cool.

It also really doesn't help that Australia has been hit hardest by global climate change. Much of the Great Barrier Reef is suffering from bleaching - not tossing bleach in there, but a strange whitening of the coral. It's pretty much the equivalent of chopping down an underwater rainforest.Yeah, that pretty reef in the movie won't be around much longer.

Remember, do your homework when buying exotic fish. Buy captive-bred only. The reef's suffering enough; harvesting is the last thing it needs.

Creature Feature: Longhorn Cowfish.

The idea of "you can slap any word onto 'fish' and it's probably a thing" makes for a rather funny game. Triggerfish are subtle; there is a trigger there, but it's not obvious unless you're looking for it. Surgeonfish? Yeah, I don't get it, either, but I wouldn't trust it with open-heart operations either way. Squirrelfish do not look like squirrels - period. Then there are cowfish...

Source.

...yeah, that one works pretty well, actually.

Cowfish are members of the boxfish family, which are closely related to pufferfish. Yes, like fugu, these fish are poisonous. They are native to tropical waters; many of them can be found in the Indo-Pacific. They eat crustaceans, like fish and crabs, as well as plants like algae. The longhorn cowfish ( Lactoria cornuta) is the most popular.

Cowfish are best known for, well, looking like cows. They have boxy bodies and long horns coming out of their heads. Like cows, they are also tanks; the scales on this fish's body are fused into a tough shell. They are slow swimmers and grunt when captured. We'll cut the fish some slack because a mooing fish would be just crazy, and they look enough like cows without sounding like pigs. Moo.



Cowfish have another defense aside from looking like cows: if irritated, they excrete a nasty poison. It is called ostracitoxin and cannot be broken down as it is not a protein. It is hell-bent on destroying other fish, and is hemolytic to boot. It kills sharks. Even other boxfish are not immune to one PO'd cow. The meat is also poisonous. No cowfish steaks for you!

Good gods, cowfish are popular in captivity. They are available at Petco if the online search results are any indication.  This does not mean they are beginner fish - it means that you need to read directions. Cowfish are generally peaceful, easy-going fish that take their time and do not like stress from having a lot of tankmates.  Failing to acclimate them properly may result in poisoning your whole tank. Popular, but still not for beginners, so if you're a newbie, don't get a cow, man.

"They Actually Eat That:" Escolar.

If you ever pick up a sushi menu, you will see some strange stuff. There are things like sea urchin and eel alongside common salmon, tuna, and shrimp. Then there are simply odd uses for regular fish, like taking their eggs.

But "escolar?" That sounds like it might be English. What is it, anyways?

Escolar (Lepidocybium flavobrunneum) is found in deep, tropical waters around the world. It is related to oilfish. It is often mislabeled, leading to caveat emptor around anything labelled "butterfish." In fact, it can be mislabelled as almost any other fish on the planet. It is possibly the most dangerous fish on the market.  Oh my. 

 Escolar has a serious consequences if eaten in excess. The technical term for it is keriorrhea. In English, that means you get nasty bowel movements and urinate yellow oil. Escolar do not metabolize oil as well as some, so we get stuck excreting it instead. For the record, the safe amount is 6 ounces.

The good news: it can taste really good. As a fattier fish, it tastes very rich. It has been described as having a laxative effect. Despite the side-effects, escolar remains popular due to the taste and other effects.  In other words, it's the illegal drug of the fish trade.

The irony? Escolar is banned in Japan and Italy. The Japanese government considers escolar toxic, and these are the people who eat fugu.If a roll has escolar on it, it sure as hell isn't traditional. It's tricky; escolar is often mislabelled as white tuna, Atlantic cod, or other fishy things. It is usually either illegal or issued a fact sheet...except in the United States. Even Hong Kong has limits on it, and they make low-quality stuff on a regular basis. Enjoy illegal sushi!

"They Actually Eat That:" Glowing Sushi.

Let's be perfectly honest: glowing sushi probably would have made an O.K. bio-art entry, too. Sushi is undeniably edible art, and the creators are, well, creative with it. Glowing sushi, native to this site, combines food and art. It could have gone on either column.

But what really tipped the scales? I could not believe people were actually eating GloFish. I've seen people eat all sorts of gross food, and although I know over half of our food is GMO in America, I never thought of eating GloFish. There are several reasons.

The first one is actually a big problem with eating fish in general: we humans like big fish. With the exceptions of smelts, sardines, and herring (possibly in sour cream...but hopefully not), a lot of the fish humans eat are on the large side. Salmon, tuna, and many other commercial fish (notably not tilapia and basa) are mid-large fish that eat other fish. This is actually pretty bad from an ecological point of view.

To put things in perspective, the land ecosystem equivalent of eating salmon and tuna would be eating snakes and other small predators. This means that bioaccumulation is in effect: any trace poisons in the prey get accumulated in the predators. It's actually beneficial to eat smaller fish, but we avoid them for cultural reasons.

The other? GloFish are the most blatant example of GMO's ever. People are becoming more and more aware of genetically-engineered food. How would they sell this? 

That said, back to glowing sushi. As the site says, GloFish started as lab fish; they weren't meant to be pets. The idea of glowing sushi takes things one step further by using "pet" fish as food fish. Freezing the fish does not denature the glowing protein; cooking it would. Sushi is a happy medium. I still wondered how they would mince such a small fish.



It turns out that they grind the zebrafish into a fine paste, then use the paste as an additional flavoring rather than the main meat of the sushi. What an extremely creative way to use small fish! If it tastes good, so much the better. Still not sure about glowing mouse meat; that one I would have to try.

Freak Week IV: GloFish Return!

A while back, I did an entry on GloFish. These little glowing zebrafish have been in Petco for quite a while now, looking unnaturally beautiful in a section already loaded with alien-looking animals. As I spend a decent amount of time there, I began to notice new GloFish. They were, and presumably are, very popular. Why wouldn't they be?

For those of you completely unfamiliar with GloFish, GloFish (TM) are fish spliced with the fluorescent gene from various cnidarians- jellyfish, sea anemones, etc. This gene glows under blacklight - not really "glow in the dark," per se, but close enough. They were originally developed to track certain genes in zebrafish throughout the fish's life cycle. They have caught on in pet stores as well.

Originally, GloFish only came in three colors: reddish pink, neon orange, and electric green. Since then, GloFish have added ("cosmic") blue and ("galactic") purple to their crayon box. These aren't as impressive as the hotter side of the spectrum, but still quite cool. I look forward to seeing what they do next.

Image from GloFish.com.

Much to my relief, GloFish has also added tetras to its glowing aquarium.  I have heard some debate over exactly what kind of tetras these are; I've heard "white skirt" (Gymnocorymbus ternetzi) and am going with this. Like danios, these are freshwater fish, so don't worry too much about salinity. Angelfish are supposedly next, but glowing koi would be amazing (and raccoon food). Currently, the tetras only come in Electric Green.

Recently, there has also been some concern about releasing GloFish into a natural environment.  (I will not get into "domesticated" VS "wild" here- it's all very hazy and subjective.) They could be harmful if released, just like any other invasive species. Several countries have banned GloFish for the simple reason that they are genetically engineered. Personally? A bright red danio would probably not stand a chance in the wild. Still your call on whether to take them into your house or not.

Creature Feature: Unicorn Tang.

While I was in San Antonio, a strange, white fish with a horn caught my attention in the Rainforest Cafe's fish tank. I posted a pic of it on my Twitter; no luck with identifiication. A month later, in Houston, I finally got a name for it: unicorn tang. No, Rarity from My Little Pony is not sponsoring the orange juice of astronauts, although that would be funny.

The unicorn tang (Naso unicornis) is a surgeonfish sporting a single strange horn above its nose.  It is native to most warm, tropical waters, including those around Hawaii and Polynesia. It is a herbivore, feeding on algae.It may also pick on bits of meat in captivity.

There are a few types of unicorn tang, but they all have one thing in common: a horn above their noses. The horn starts growing when the tang hits the six inch mark (in N. unicornus). It breaks off against coral and nets. Nobody knows what this horn is used for. We do, however, know that it doesn't heal the sick like the horn of a 'real' unicorn.

Perhaps more impressive, than the horn are the hidden spikes above the fish's tail. Each unicorn tang has two sets of these blades, making them double trouble if mishandled. These tail blades are used for defending themselves and protecting their territory. This unicorn packs a kick, and it doesn't even have legs.

Unicorn tangs are uncommon in the exotic pet trade. They need at least 180 gallons, if not more, to be comfortable. This big fish maxes out around 2 feet, making it unsuitable for most home tanks. Unicorn tangs are considered peaceful most of the time, but can be aggressive with other tangs. There are currently regulations on catching unicorn fish; This does not stop people from doing it. Ask where your aquarium specialist got his fish on, please.

I Actually Ate That: Basa.

If you are ever in Houston and like fish, check out the Kemah Boardwalk. They have a restaurant there called "The Aquarium." It delivers what it promises: a giant aquarium makes up the centerpiece of each level, with smaller aquaria along the sides and a pillar aquarium along the stairwell. O.K., plug over.

They also had an exotic Asian fish on the menu that, as it turns out, is debatably-legal:

Source.

The "whitefish" hidden beneath a mountain  of fruit and breadcrumbs was a Vietnamese fish called basa (Pangasius bocourti). It's native to the Mekong River delta. This fish is wholly herbivorous, making it actually a bit healthier and easier to farm than most fish on the market. Several other fish may be erroneously labeled as basa, so have your wits about you at the fish market. Basa are also called "panga," "bocourti," or "river cobbler," so...just ask the right questions.

Here's where the sketchiness comes in: basa cannot be legally labeled as catfish. (The menu called it "Asian whitefish;" I pressed for more details.)  Even though they are technically catfish, there have been a few SNAFU's when it comes to labeling this oriental fish.  People in the U.S. and Britain seem to have a really hard time deciding what to name this fish.

The U.S. has a particular concern with this one. There was a "catfish war" in the early 2000's. In short, the Vietnamese were accused of flooding the market with basa and marketing it as "catfish" - also the name for the whiskered fish native to North America. Catfish farmers and the USDA were worried that basa might interrupt the profits of the native American catfish, so basa sellers were forever banned from using that word. They have to use other words instead.

Luckily, a rose by any other name indeed tastes as good. The taste if largely neutral to most people (another selling point), but 75% of taste-testers preferred basa to catfish.Whether it is ethical or not is another matter; I am unsure on the veracity of this thread, but given what we know about factory farming fish in Asia, no surprises there. The U.S. is not any better in this regard; nearly all fish farms have skeletons in their closets. Sorry, catfish farmers; best be graceful in defeat this round. 

"They Actually Eat That:" Surstromming.

We've looked at some pretty nasty things on this column. Most of them involve eating animals that we Americans would find unpalatable, but the ultimate point remains the same: Humans will eat anything. There are even humans who put wolves to shame by eating things so rotten that we're pretty sure a wolf would drop dead from the mere odor. Not that anyone's tried, but this one would give the legendary jaws and stomachs of the wild a run for their nonexistent money.

The crowning achievement of smelly, fermented food is a type of canned fish called surströmming. It is often eaten with "thin bread" and enjoyed with light beers. It is found in Sweden - presumably only in Sweden, as will be discussed later. Specifically, it originates from the High Coast (Hoga Kusten) in northern Sweden, which also has a museum devoted to surströmming. There are several cute origin stories for it, but it probably came about as an alternative to brining.

Surströmming is one of many fermented foods from around the world. When something is fermented, that means it is effectively rotten, having been eaten away by bacteria. The herring in surströmming are left to ferment for a couple of months in slightly-salted barrels before they are put into cans. In this case,  Haloanaerobium bacteria produce CO2, making the can swell up. The reactions going on in the also produce odors similar to vinegar, rotten eggs, and rancid butter. This makes the can an effective stink bomb, as well as being high cuisine.

IT'S GONNA BLOW!

Surströmming is notoriously smelly, even by fermented food standards. It is so smelly that people have been evicted from their apartments without prior notice for spreading it around. The German food critic Wolfgang Fassbender once wrote that "the biggest challenge when eating surströmming is to vomit only after the first bite, as opposed to before." It is largely considered an acquired taste; if that critic's words have any merit, then that taste is hard to acquire. 

Still think surströmming isn't the king of one-whiff repulsion? It is banned on several major airlines, including Air France and British Airways. The reason they gave was that the puffed can was at risk of exploding, covering everything in a fishy mess; they probably just wanted to avoid some drunk Swede opening it in the cabin (no offense to any Swedish members of the audience). It already breaks several international toxicity regulations, and Sweden is constantly buying exceptions for its beloved surströmming. It is apparently popular enough in Sweden to warrant its own party and a lot of political SNAFUs.

Of course, this blog entry may well be proven wrong. Someone will probably come up with a smellier food, although surströmming has a pretty colorful history to beat. At least lutefisk smells like soap.

Creature Feature: Pacific Salmon.

 When most people think of salmon, they think of one of two things: 1. pink fish meat, 2. the crayon named after pink fish meat, 3. a generic fish that gets caught by grizzlies on nature programs. If only the life of the salmon was emphasized instead; they're really more fascinating than their rather mundane status as a food fish lets on.

Pacific salmon are salmonids in the genus Oncorhynchus. They breed in the Pacific Ocean, ut spawn in freshwater- exactly how awesome this is will be detailed later. There are a lot of different types of Pacific Salmon out there (7-odd species). They have a fair amount in common, so I hope nobody minds if I use a video of sockeye salmon at one point and Coho at another.



The rule of thumb in fishing is that salmon migrate and trout stay in one place. While not 100% true, salmon are known for an extensive migratory route, called a salmon run. They spawn in freshwater, then the adults die. The young (fry) then migrate upriver in an epic journey to the ocean, where they meet up with the other adult salmon lucky enough to make the journey. Then the cycle starts again, with adult salmon swimming downriver, using scent to find their way back to the place where they were born.That's right: These fish change from being saltwater to freshwater and back again, and swim back to the exact location where they were born using scent trails alone. Consider your mind blown.

But wait. It gets better. 

During this migration, male salmon undergo a mutation unlike that of any other fish. They develop menacing jaws, which have the specific term "kype." These all look like they swam straight out of the icy bowels of Cocytus and wish to eat your face off. Being bright red-pink does not keep those jaws from being terrifying. The hunch is also a bit disturbing. Aside from sex change, this is the most drastic change in any male fish over its lifetime.

Hatchery impact on salmon mostly comes into play in the ocean. Adult fish are harvested from the ocean, with females being gutted for their eggs. Multiple males are then forced to, umm, fertilize the eggs to ensure genetic diversity. The young are raised at a building until they're mature enough to swim in the streams. The impact has been severe enough to endanger wild salmon populations; hatcheries are both responsible for the decline and capable of preserving some of the more at-risk species. Pollution doesn't help, but it is really hard to legislate fishing. Hatcheries may soon be the only source of salmon, so be careful of what you're eating.

Salmon is one of the healthiest fish to consume, being a good source of protein and Omega-3 fatty acids. Remember that salmon lead interesting lives, and that mature male salmon pack a terrifying face that will haunt your nightmares. You're welcome.

They Actually Eat That: Tilapia.

Fish has a weird cultural line going on with it. Some people consider it meat; others don't. There's a thing called "pescetarian" in which fish is OK but other meat is not. It's a weird line, and, as time goes on, an easily crossable one. As people learn of the horrors of factory farming, more and more of them will avoid meat. That leaves seafood as the next target to exploit.

Tilapia is the most common labeled fish on supermarket shelves. Originally, they are a type of cichlid native to various parts of Africa, probably making them the most populous African cichlid in the world. Dismiss your images of people hooking wild-caught tilapia right now; this omnipresence reeks of "bad for you." Let's see why, shall we?

First off, all fish has some level of mercury in it. While fish can still be seen as an alternative to white meat, it is no longer the holy grail of healthy flesh that it was once thought to be. Tilapia in particular has low levels of the things that make fish good for you, like Omega-3 fatty acids. It's just a tasteless white that sells well in cafeterias and schools. Brain food it is not.

Onto tilapia, then. If you buy fish sticks or any other "mystery fish," chances are that it is either tilapia or Alaskan pollock. I hesitate to say anything about Alaskan pollock. Both fish taste like white. Both fish probably have the same problems. This aaaalllllll loops back to corn, guys.

Most tilapia are farmed. The farms are usually located in places like Malaysia or Honduras - far away areas where people will do all sorts of not-quite-ethical things to make a living. The difference is that pigs, cows, and chickens are cute, and fish are generally not.

Tilapia are so plentiful because they feed really, really well on corn and soy. They take pellet food regularly, and, like every other farm animal, gain weight quickly. They are factory farmed, just like chickens. Hell, they've been called "aquatic chickens" because their white meat is really just about as good as chicken is for you.

It gets worse: They're trying to get salmon to feed on corn, too. Neither salmon nor tilapia are meat to eat grass, let alone the mutant grass we call maize. Go ahead, look at a mature male salmon and tell me that this thing is meant to eat corn. I dare you.

If you just evacuated your bowels, my work here is done.

Creature Feature: Alligator Gar.

Ever notice how people are oddly limited when it comes to terrifying fish? We have piranhas, sharks, and barracudas that have a track record of being merciless killers.By comparison, killer snakes get a million movies,

So, tell me: How come someone hasn't made a flick about this mean fish, yet?

 

For those of you who did not just run away screaming, that ugly mug belongs to an Alligator Gar (Atractosteus spatula). Alligator Gars are native to much of the United States, but can also be found in Asian aquaria, leading to horror stories after floods run through SE Asia. As a freshwater fish, however, there are oceans separating the two populations.

My first reaction upon looking up how terrifying the Alligator Gar could be: "MOSASAURS LIVE!" This thing is called an alligator gar for a reason. That snout and those teeth look like they belong on a crocodilian. Despite this, the alligator gar is actually a primitive fish, meaning that nature just really likes giving things pointy sharp teeth. As if we didn't know that already.

These fish are also huge. They get 8-10 feet long - over 2 meters for you metric people. That's a lotta fish, to quote the horrible Godzilla movie. This length, and the meat that comes with it, has led to restrictions on its fishing, but there are still a few restaurants with it if you know where to look.

Did we mention that  'gator gars' can last up to two hours above the surface of the water? How about their potential to seriously injure anyone who catches them by weight alone? Even their scales were sharp and hard enough to be used as arrowheads. The oldest of these fish just happens to be somewhere in the 50's-70's, so this terror will be around for quite a while.

Although usually illegal to keep as pets, it is possible to get a massive terror-gar for your pond. Yes, you need a pond to hold these guys. The "alligator gars" found in most pet stores will usually be a smaller species. Please do your research thoroughly; it may save you money and limbs.

Fun Video at the Shedd + Delay Notice.

This was awesome when I saw it. My favorite group of snake people took a trip to one of my favorite places in Chicago! Seriously, majorly cool that the Shedd got pimped. I love that place -not as much as the Field Museum, but still. Brian, you get to go such cool place. No matter how much work snake breeding is, things like behind-the-scenes trips to the Shedd must make it worthwhile.

You're probably wondering why a snake person wanted to go see a place more known for fish and dolphins than for reptiles. To be perfectly fair, snakes and fish tend to be lumped together in the "exotic" moshpit. They're both "tank pets" of sorts. Some, like the anaconda, spend a lot of time in the water. Even if herps aren't necessarily water-bound, it makes sense to find some at an aquarium.

By the way, the "invasive species" issue they touched upon really is awful. The Great Lakes have, so far, been invaded by a multitude of species, including Asian carp and zebra mussels. The invasion just so happens to be going down in the world's largest reservoir of fresh water. Have fun thinking about what that might mean for the supply of drinkable water.

Also, a different piece of news: I will be on a little bit of a vacation with my brother's side of the family from Sunday to Wednesday. During this time, entries may happen later than usual or not at all. At least one will probably happen during the trip.