Blasphemy Week: Golden Lanceheads.

Y'know how I keep saying "if you want to stop the exotic animal trade, stop humans from living there?" It turns out there is indeed a place where humans are not allowed, and that still doesn't stop people from taking venomous, hermaphroditic snakes off the island.

Wait, what?

Bothrops insularis, or the golden lancehead, is found on exactly one island in the entire world: Ilha da Queimada Grande, located off the coast of Sao Paulo, Brazil. It eats birds and lizards as an adult, and is occasionally cannibalistic. The island supposedly gets its name from a plotted banana plantation that did not go through thanks to one very obvious thing: There is at least one snake for every square meter of the place.

The golden lancehead is the only species of snake on this island. What it lacks in biodiversity it makes up for in sheer numbers. Locals say that there are 5 snakes per square meter on that island. Discovery Channel says there is really only one. The point is, everywhere you turn, there's a snake. It's amazing that good pics of this thing exist; most people would probably drop their cameras.

Think the brown tree snakes are more terrifying? Golden lanceheads are highly venomous. The snakes' closest relative is the jararaca, another lancehead whose venom's ACE inhibitors have recently been used in medicine to treat hypertension. The golden lancehead's venom is at least 5 times as potent as the jararaca's, and the fastest-acting of any lancehead. Luckily, no bites have been reported...yet.

Unless you have a deathwish or are a herpetologist, DO NOT GO HERE. (Source)

Oh, and no humans are allowed on the island. Period. The Brazilian Navy will arrest you if you are there without a waiver. The population is said to consist of exactly one human in a lighthouse and the occasional herpetologists that get waivers to go on the island. Even the natives avoid this place. There are no human settlements there except to warn people that they might land upon an island of venomous snakes. Lovely.

A lot of golden lanceheads are also intersexed. In not-so-polite terms, they're shemales, hermaphrodites, or chicks with dicks. They contain the sexual organs of both sexes, which usually results in infertility. Usually. Apparently some can breed, but regardless, this questionable sexuality is the result of extreme inbreeding.

In case you haven't guessed: Yes, these snakes are critically-endangered. The island is still farm potential, but as we all know, island ecosystems are fragile. That includes island ecosystems containing creatures of hermaphroditic, scaly death. They're terrifying, but goodness knows what'll happen if this one snake gets taken out of the great Jenga tower called nature.

And yet we somehow have photographs of these beautiful hellsnakes, as well as a few specimens in captivity. OK, fine- the reptile lover in me is showing her scales. I do, however, realize that an island full of poisonous snakes would be terrifying to most people, so there you have it. As for why it exists to begin with...either there's a holy relic there or God is a sadistic SOB.

Creature Feature: Spider-tailed Viper.

"Spider ball, spider ball...does whatever a spider ball does..." 

The above snippet is thesong that I must resist singing every time I pass by a spider ball python in the reptile store.For the uninformed, the spider ball is a pattern and color variation of ball python; the black bands are so narrow that they resemble a spider's webbing, and the overall snake looks a lot lighter as well. This entry is not about them, but, rather, a different sort of mix of spider and snake.

Mad props to Omid Mozaffari.

The spider-tailed viper (Pseudocerastes urarachnoides) is a new-ish snake that was only recognized as a species in 2006.  It was found in Iran - y'know, one of those areas in the Middle East with a lot of desert. It eats birds and probably munches rodents as well. The rule of thumb with vipers is "it can kill you," so unfortunately anyone wanting one as a pet probably has a death wish as well.

First, a little bit about tail lures. There are several species of snake that use their tails to mimic a worm or some other appetizing invertebrate. The idea is that a bird or other animal will think that lure is a meal. Then, down come those jaws in a blur of teeth and poison. Mammals have absolutely nothing like this; as far as I know, it's purely a reptile thing. (Please correct me if I'm wrong!)

Same pic, emphasis on the lure.

That said, the spider-tailed viper is the unholy god of tail lures. It's one thing to move the tail like a worm, and quite another to copy something that has legs and distinct body segments. If you were not looking for a snake, you would think that it was indeed a desert spider. Hell, there are things that look almost like that in my basement. This snake is doing a really good job of bringing arachnophobes and ophidophobes together. High-Octane Nightmare Fuel, much?

The "spider" is made by strange scales that look like a spider's legs and abdomen. Birds, mammals, and quite a few lizards are visual hunters, watching for movement in order to hunt; this snake takes things up a notch by making its tail have the shape of a spider, too.All the snake has to do is wiggle its spider-tail just right and BAM! Bird in the jaws.  Given how long it took for this snake to be properly identified, birds were not the only ones fooled.

"Spider-tail, spider-tail...does whatever a spider-tail does...."

Feel free to shoot me for that one.

Creature Feature: Temple Viper.

There is no creature more prevalent in mythology than the snake. If a culture is near snakes, they've got stories about them. The snake is simultaneously hated and revered, cursed and respected. They are so different from humans that they must be magic. No wonder everybody talks about them!

Then there are some serpentine coincidences that cannot simply be dismissed as coincidences. The white snakes in Iwakuni are a good example; Japan is loaded with eagles, cats, and a million other things that would love to munch an easily-visible snake, but there managed to be a lot of Shirohebi in one place. The Temple of the Azure Cloud in Malaysia has a similar, much more deadly tale to tell...

...thanks to being the home of dozens of Wagler's vipers (Tropidolaemus wagleri), AKA "temple vipers." They are native to Thailand, Sumatra, and Malaysia. Arboreal snakes, they eat rodents, birds, and lizards. They are in the same viper group as rattlesnakes, which should give you an idea of how nasty a bite can be.

Temple vipers come in a million different color phases. Some are brown; some are orange; some are bright green. They used to be classified as subspecies, but now they're treated more like morphs. In temple vipers, the females are a lot larger (up to a meter long) than the males, so they're nice and easy to sex, too. Y'know, just in case you want the gender of the snake that bit you.

 I've gone into the neat adaptations of pit vipers before. Their teeth are organic syringes. They hunt you by heat and scent, both things that mammals have trouble concealing. This snake also has camouflage on its side, coupled with a nice strike that can probably catch birds in mid-flight.  The venom is hemotoxic, which is is own brand of hemorrhagic nastiness. On the bright side, I kid you not, some people think this snake's venom has the potential to remove wrinkles. Whatever floats your boat.

So, why are these snakes at the temple? Legend has it that a Buddhist monk decided to give shelter to the snakes of the jungle. Indeed, there are more snakes there than just the temple viper. Some of them have been defanged, but do you really want to risk messing with one that just got its teeth back in? Yes, snake fangs grow back. Just another reason that mammals are screwed by our own global warming issues.

Creature Feature: Bushmaster.

Ever notice how it's mostly anacondas and other large constrictors that get the bad horror movies? There is a snake in the Amazon that is so much more worthy of a good horror flick that it...well, OK, it IS funny that Hollywood has not gotten its mitts on this one, yet.

To review (or, if you have never seen my anaconda entry, go see it now), anacondas are boas from the genus Eunectes. They live almost entirely in the water. The positioning and shape of their eyes (they have 8-shaped pupils! HOW COOL!) makes them look like aquatic puppy dogs. The green anaconda is the heaviest snake in the world and constantly vies with the reticulated python for the title of 'longest.' Its name shows none of that badassitude.

You know what the name Eunectes means? "Good swimmer." Way to make ANYTHING sound menacing, Greek.

There is a far more imposing snake called the bushmaster (Lachesis muta). Like most vipers, these snakes are deadly even as babies. At a maximum length of 12 feet, the bushmaster is the longest pit viper in the world.

Unfortunately, the best pic I could find showing its length was tiny.

Wait, what's a pit viper? Was "viper" not intimidating enough?

Pit vipers refer to snakes such as rattlers, lanceheads, bushmasters - anything in the subfamily Crotalinae. They live in Asia and the Americas. If you have ever encountered a rattlesnake, you have met your first pit viper.



Pit vipers are so named for the heat-sensing pits between their eyes and nostrils. In short, they detect infrared radiation. Although boas and pythons also have labial pits, the pits on pit vipers are a lot more sophisticated - pit vipers can strike accurately at an item 0.2 degrees C higher than the background temperature. Nobody is quite sure how this accurate heat sense looks to a snake, but it is a mighty fine sense indeed.

In case you do not get the implications of heat pits, allow me to clarify:

You can make your footsteps as quiet as those of a mouse. You can wear camouflage garb. You can wash away a lot of your scent. You cannot conceal your body heat. Mammals are homeotherms - their body temperatures stay relatively constant. If a pit viper wants to kill you, it will kill you.


A GOOD movie monster in action.

"What's in a name?" Shakespeare asked. "Bushmaster" sounds more intimidating than the infamous boid mentioned earlier, but there is even more horror laced into its scientific name. If the generic name "Lachesis" sounded familiar to you, but you could not quite place where you had heard it, perhaps this will refresh your memory:



Lachesis was the Fate that determined the length of one's life in Greek mythology. Add on the 'muta' part of the name and you have, literally, a silent killer. Even science admits that this snake can fuck you up (and not in the good way).When science says that something is deadly, it's deadly.


Pictured: Beautiful, silent death.

Catch on, Hollywood. This thing has tales of dread (and sometimes seduction) in areas to which it is native. You cannot beat that.