Creature Feature: Goya the Giant Guinea Pig.

Before I actually get started with this post, a funny story: In an attempt to get used to what will be my new address for a few months, I suggested that a friend and I do a 'guinea pig' trade. My friend then linked me to an adorable, but slightly overpriced guinea pig figurine made by Safari Ltd.- a company that prides itself on super-detailed, anatomically-accurate models. Still, unless it was a giant guinea pig, it might not have been worth seven bucks.

Hey, come to think of it, a giant guinea pig would be kinda awesome.

Copyright Science/Carin L. Cain. It's the only pic out there.

 

At one point, giant guinea pigs (Phoberomys pattersoni ) were actually a thing. They lived in South America (specifically Venezuela) during the Miocene. The area is now desert, but back when Pigzilla would have been around, it would have been a lot wetter and greener. It also would have been loaded with giant predatory birds and crocodiles itching to eat a giant fuzzball.

To be fair, Goya, as the archaeologists affectionately called it, is different from the modern guinea pig in several ways. Imagine a guinea pig the size of a buffalo. Give it a long tail and situate it along a riverbank. It may even have been a herd animal; let's add a few more into your mental image for good measure. Oh, and it was able to walk on its hind legs, most likely. This adds up to a rodent that was approximately 3 meters long and weighed 700 kg, making it the largest rodent ever. The capybara has nothing on a giant guinea pig.

Strangely, there was only one skeleton of this monstrous rodent ever found. The only known specimen was found in Urumaco, Venezuela as a remarkably complete skeleton. Sure, the giant guinea pigs had predators, but it is still unlikely to find only one of this giant creature ever. Can we call 'alien interference' on this one? Maybe; I'm not ruling it out.

A post about giant rodents would not have been complete without Ultra-Peepi.

But really? I know what you're all thinking: When can we get Jurassic Park technology, clone this thing, and make it into one of the best-selling pets ever? It's not that regular guinea pigs aren't cute - we just want one that will give us piggy-back rides for carrots. That is all we ask.

Creature Feature: Synthetoceras.

Here at the Wonderful World, we do occasionally try to stick to the old title and make a mythical creature real. There was a whole week devoted to the possible sources of mythical creatures, including how, and if, they ever existed or potentially could exist. Bear in mind that these entries were not necessarily complete, meaning that I could have totally missed something obvious. In this case, it was our bad twice over. Ladies and gents, we present to you...the quadricorn:



Actually, Synthetoceras looks more like a kirin from Twelve Kingdoms, but the joke was too silly to resist.




Synthetoceras ('fused horn') was a genus of artiodactyls that lived in the Miocene Epoch - 13.6-5.33 m.y.a., or "after the dinosaurs" for those of you keeping track at home. Fossils of this genus have been found from Wyoming to the lowermost tip of Illinois. Synthetoceras ran parallel to modern cervids in terms of size (ranging from roe deer to elk) and presumably niche, but was not directly related beyond having cloven hooves. It may have been more closely related to camels than to deer.

We know what you're here for, however. How about that crazy horn?


(c) Murray Alcosser.

The type species of the genus, S. tricornatus, had three horns in total. It was about 7 feet (2m) long, making that strange horn quite imposing. The two near its eyes looked fairly normal, being short and curved like cow horns. The last horn, located on its nose, was bifurcated at the tip (making it not quite a quadricorn). Since only males had these horns, it is assumed that it was used for territorial battles or courtship.

Beyond that, we do not know very much about Synthetoceras. We think it lived in herds and overall behaved much like modern deer. The only real difference would have been the headgear, which even the most crazy conspiracy theorist could not mistake for the head of Satan. Satan with a slingshot horn...come on.

Creature Feature: Entelodonts.

Wild pigs are badass. Look at ancient epics and there will likely be something with a boar. Norse gods frequently use boars as steeds; Odysseus got gored by a boar as a child; hell, ancient Greek warriors wore helmets made of boar tusks, and one of the reasons that the Jews avoid pork might be because the Romans loved using the boar as their mascot.

The kickass wild pig came from an even more kickass relative: the entelodonts. To put its awesomeness into perspective, entelodonts are also called "Hell Pigs" or "Terminator Pigs." Those sound like good names for motorcycle gangs.

Entelodonts have similar dentition to modern pigs, thus suggesting an omnivorous diet. They were primarily carnivorous, eating either fresh or long-dead meat, as well as plant matter if the need arose. (I'm not sure where They were the biggest, baddest creatures on North America, Eurasia, and Asia during the Miocene Period, a little-known era sandwiched between the dinosaurs and the advent of man.

If you think that modern swine are big, think again. The largest entelodont,  Daeodon shoshonensis, was 6.9 ft (2.1 meters) at the shoulder. D.shoshonensis was also 12 feet (3.6 meters) long, i.e. likely bigger than one's car. It had tusks and facial bumps like a warthog, and its jaws could easily crush bone. We do not know whether an entelodont would actually eat you or not, but staring into the mouth of one, we doubt you would care.

YAH!

The larger entelodonts died out, in short, because they ran out of large prey. As time went on, other predators simply became more efficient hunters. The smaller, more scavenge-ready entelodonts lived. The result was the animal that goes into making bacon.

 

Exactly how close entelodonts were to pigs is still up in the air. Although the obvious evolutionary route judging by the hooves and skull is to swine, some scientists suggest whales and hippos as well. If it walks like a pig and eats like a pig...nah, we won't go there.

Tomorrow:  Chaaarrrlliieee...