Creature Feature/Mythbusting: WOLVES.

There is no animal more polarizing than the gray wolf, Canis lupus. Either you love wolves or you hate them. It is virtually impossible to find somebody with a neutral opinion on wolves. Well, lucky you: that's what this blog is attempting. Let's establish the various reputations that the wolf has had through the ages, shall we? Then we'll bust them like balloons in a shooting game.

The wolves in question are always some variety of Canis lupus. This species ranges from North America into Europe and Asia. They are carnivores and survival machines, hunting in packs and running prey down until it cannot keep moving. Unbeknownst to the wolves themselves, they have also left quite a mark on the human psyche.

GRRR! (Source.)

If you were born before the internet was a thing, you probably still have some remnant of the Fairy Tale Wolf stuck in your psyche. This is the wolf that ate Little Red Riding Hood in one gulp and was also trying to go after the three little pigs. This is the wolf that can walk as a human during the day, only to become a feral, man-eating canine at night. Oh, and bar abnormal conditions (humans threatening them, disease, humans threatening them with diseases), these wolves don't exist.

Let us make this very clear: Wolves do not hunt people. At least, not under normal circumstances. They would much rather avoid Homo sapiens sapiens as much as wolfishly possible. Domestic dogs attack humans more than wolves ever will. If you want to count the two as one species, as I'm prone to doing (they can screw each other just fine), then yeah, wolves are serial killers. If not, wolves are terrified of humans. We're just silly and make the fear mutual.

What wolves will attack is livestock. That is what makes them a threat to humans. By and large, they will avoid humans, but we've entered their territory - with food at that. It's like someone with a pie suddenly coming over, only you, the owner of that house, are not allowed to have any of the pie. Kinda rude, isn't it? These pies are fat, slow, and docile, too. Yes, humans are dickish to many species, wolves included.

WolfJesus died for your sins! (Source.)

Then there's the equally-wrong flipside of the coin. There are wolf fans who treat the wolf like it is some sort of sacred animal that should be prized above all others. This has varying degrees, from people who simply have wolves as their favorite animals to people who roleplay their wolfsonas like humans. The general idea is that wolves are almost exactly like humans with fur, if not idealized humans with fur. These wolves do exist, but certainly not how you think they do:

A little reminder: We do not know, 100%, what goes on inside a dog's head. Dogs have the longest history of domestication of any animal, and there's still too much foreign about them for us to say that we truly know how they tick. If dingoes are any indication, dogs can revert back to wolfishness, and then some, in a surprisingly short amount of time. Wolves do not eat babies. Dingoes do, or at least can.

With that in mind, imagine how little we know and understand about a canine that is perfectly content to live its life without ever touching humans. That is how far wolves are removed from humans in terms of behavior. Rabid wolf fans ("wolfaboos") are often guilty of anthropomorphizing. It's a common crime that has led to mental train wrecks in dogs around the world.

Yes, it is very true that wolves have been persecuted. (I'm not fully sure whether they count as the most unfairly persecuted animal ever; bats, snakes, rodents, and insects could easily give them a run for their money.) Yes, they form family units like humans do. There're some theories out there that wolves may have taught primitive humans how to hunt in groups. That does not make them humans with fur.

If you want a human with fur, you want a dog. As in, a domesticated wolf. Wild wolves do not want to so much as make eye contact with humans. Even dogs have different rules from humans, but they are closer than wolves in that regard. Dogs can mate at any time of year with relative freedom, just like humans; in a wolf pack, only the alpha male and female are allowed to mate. Every wolf wants to get laid, so there are always challenges for dominance. Any wolf lover who acts unaware of wolf rank is kidding themselves.

So, what wolf should you be looking for? The "scientific wolf," as the Field Museum put it.  Look for neutral facts. Read up on why wolves and other apex predators are important to the environment. See some wolves at Big Run Wolf Ranch (or similar) or your local zoo. The Field Museum has a great exhibit about wolves going on right now. This sounds weird coming from a blogger, but the most rabid, vicious wolves you will ever meet are on the internet. Handle those wolves with care.

Mythbusters: Mothman.

There should really be a sequel to this week. Too many cryptids exist for us to cover in one week. It was a tossup between black-eyed kids and Mothman for this final entry...and look at who pulled out on top!

Standing a little over the height of a man,  Mothman is known worldwide as a flying, red-eyed harbinger of doom. He - it, we're not sure about this thing's junk, thank you - has been sighted in West Virginia, the last place in which one would expect a legendary beast. Forget Clover - Mothman is the American monster. 

Reports of this weird creature began in the 1960's. Now, before you start making hippie jokes, there were several eyewitnesses to these accounts. The first event on November 12, 1966, happened when five men preparing a grave suddenly saw a giant flying creature take flight from the trees. They said it resembled a "man with wings." That was only the beginning.



The most famous sighting occurred shortly after that. On November 15th of that same year, two married couples were driving by an abandoned TNT plant near Point Pleasant, West Virginia. They saw a winged creature a little bigger than a man with glowing red eyes going into the plant as they were driving past. They shrugged it off, probably wondering what it was and not saying anymore, and drove right on by. The same creature was soon found on a hillside along the road...and it could keep right up with a 100 m.p.h car. Yes, this creature was flying right alongside the newlyweds, who had their pedal to the metal.


Sightings of Mothman remained steady for a year. At least 100 people witnessed Mothman in that time. Its home base was the TNT plant and the forested area around it. Many other stories can be found here. You'll get the gist: the Mothman comes, scares the living crap out of people, and may kill a dog or two. There may even be a chance that he can take human form, or that UFOs and men in black are involved. Creepy.



Just as Point Pleasant was over Mothman, another strange incident occurred. On December 17th, 1967, the Silver Bridge connecting Point Pleasant to Ohio collapsed. Dozens of people caught in rush-hour traffic fell to their doom. Witnesses near the TNT plant saw the red lights en masse that night. A few people had even dreamt of that bridge collapsing after seeing Mothman. I'm not going to dive too deeply into The Mothman Prophecies, but things like doomsday prophecies tend to inspire movies.

Since then, disasters have been associated with Mothman's appearance.  Natural and manmade events alike have been linked to seeing giant, flying creatures in the sky. Some have even seen flying beasts far too large to be any bird in shots of 9/11. Nobody is sure what Mothman is, but it is definitely not a hoax.

If I say any more, the men in black might come for me. Peace.

Mythbusters: El Chupacabra.

Imagine, for a minute, that you're a poor farmer in Chile. You have a nice little chicken coop outside your house that provides meat and eggs for your whole family, along with some surplus to share with the neighbors. Sure, you may not be the richest people in your town, but you do know where your food's coming from.

Then, one morning, your rooster doesn't crow. Wondering exactly what is going on with that lazy bird, you take a walk over to the chicken coop...only to find every single chicken dead on the ground. The bizarre thing? They have been completely drained of blood with only two circular wounds to show for it. Looks like Dracula's switched to white meat for some reason.

Image belongs to the internet. I have no idea who did this one first.

Well, Dracula or the creature above. That ugly mug belongs to el chupacabras, AKA the "goatsucker" or just "chupacabra." The name is a little bit misleading; although termed "goatsucker," most forms of livestock are fair game, goats and sheep included. It is said to range from Florida and Texas all the way down into Chile; hell, some would even say Maine has a chupacabra. Let us refresh your memory for a second: Maine is where every Stephen King novel ever takes place.

Part of the ambiguity of its range comes from the various descriptions of a chupacabra. The 'original' chupacabra was described as a half-human vampiric creature in the 1950's. This slowly evolved into not one, but two bestial forms: One is a sort of anthropomorphic, spiny lizard about a meter tall with red glowing eyes (literally straight out of Species) and the other is a hairless hellhound with a pronounced spine and, again, glowing eyes. Both are creatures that we would not want to encounter in a dark alley...or in our chicken coops!

The main unifying factor of a 'chupacabra' remains that, whatever it is, its calling card is leaving vampire marks on dead livestock.There are debates over whether the victims are completely drained of blood or not, but the two marks are always an indicator of a chupacabra as opposed to anything else. As long as nobody designs a chupacabra that sparkles, we have reason to believe that those marks are as similar to vampires as they get.

I've seen Chinese Cresteds that looked more like chupacabras..Pic belongs to NewsOne.

As with, oh, every cryptid this week except the big cats, chupacabras are one of those things that we are unsure of the existence of. We have caught numerous mutant or ill coyotes and dogs that are sometimes called "chupacabras." No word yet on the lizard-like creature. There have also been several fake chupacabras as seen in the initial mugshot.

Yes, that's Jackie Chan getting thrashed by a chupacabra-luchador.

Although the chupacabra does not receive as good of press as Nessie, it still remains one of the more popular cryptids. There have been several chupacabra movies, including titles such as Scooby-Doo and The Monster of Mexico and Chupacabra: Dark Seas. Monster-of-the-Week series love the chupacabra. Invader Zim's "paranormal investigator" Dib mentioned a chupacabra at one point ("but there's not a goat to feed on for miles"). The Jackie Chan Adventures chupacabra really takes the cake, combining the vampiric creature with some aspects of a werewolf. Neat way to avoid capture, goatsucker.

Mythbusters: Alien Big Cats.

Now, here's a question: When does a cryptid stop being a cryptid? By definition, a cryptid's existence has to be disputed by science. Science disputes a lot of things; hell, take a look at quantum physics and String Theory sometime. Nitpicking is super-common in scientific circles, and cryptozoology is no exception.



Within the (unrecognized) discipline of cryptozoology, sightings of big cats outside of their native ranges qualify as cryptids. They are called "Alien Big Cats" (ABCs) or "Phantom Cats." ABC's have been found in most areas of the world. They often generate local legends, given enough time. Some are considered Ice Age "living fossils," but most of them can be traced to extant species. I know what you're thinking: Extraterrestrial cats would be pretty awesome, too.

Although found throughout the world, Great Britain seems like a real hotspot for ABC's. They are usually pumas, panthers, or general large black cats. The first sighting of a 'weird' big cat in Britain was a report of a North American lynx in 1760. The sightings really hit a boom in the 1960's, and then again after a law made in 1976 banned the keeping of several wild animals, including most big cats. This could easily have led to a mass-release of a genetically-diverse population.

According to the ten definitions of a cryptid by a man named Eberhart, Alien Big Cats fall under the "distribution anomaly" type of cryptid. Bless this man for trying to make a method to the madness that is cryptozoology. Note, however, one of the disqualifiers: "Erratics. "The out-of-place alligator […] that turns up in an odd spot, undoubtedly through human agency, is not a zoological mystery […]" The recent sightings in the 20th century speak of human release. The Scottish wildcat hybridizing with normal cats is also a common source of ABC's.



When it comes to ABCs, we know what we're dealing with. These aren't mythical creatures. These aren't even extinct creatures. These are mostly non-native species with full documentation. The only mystery is how the cats got there. Human intervention can easily be assumed, especially since many big cats wind up with irresponsible owners. Is every invasive species and escaped exotic pet on par with Nessie and Bigfoot, now?

Granted, there are some truly mysterious Alien Big Cats. India has a gray phantom cat, the Pogeyan,  that we really do not know much about. One ABC even turned out to be a canine. Some mythology buffs like to think that the sightings of black cats are a modern variation on Britain's legendary black dogs (which should be familiar to Harry Potter and Sherlock Holmes fans). I'm not doubting whether these Alien Big Cats exist or not; I'm questioning how science classifies them.

Mythbusters: The Loch Ness Monster.

Now this blog finally gets to live up to its once-relevant URL: tracking mythological monsters and seeing how they could be possible in real life.  Luckily for this week, a lot of cryptoids are quite possible. That is what makes them cryptoids as opposed to acid nightmares. Cryptoids are simply animals whose existence has not yet been proven. Plausible animals, mind.

We're starting this week off with one of the best-known cryptids in existence: A lake monster. There are lake-dwelling leviathans found all over the world. It all probably loops back to our instinctive fear of the unknown and things dwelling in the icy cold depths in which the human eye cannot see. For those of us interested in sea monsters of more questionable existence than the dwellers of the lightless sea trenches, we have the Loch Ness Monster:

The Surgeon's Photograph: a confirmed fake, yet people still say it's real.

Nessie, for those of you living beneath rocks, is a lake monster native to Loch Ness, Scotland. The main evidence for its existence comes from numerous photographs and video footage. It is generally agreed that Nessie is a very long, semi-amphibious creature that spends most of its time in the lake. It is always described with a very long, slender neck and a body with anywhere from 1-3 humps.

Nessie as we know it was first spotted in the 1930's, although reports of water monsters in the River Ness date back to the 6th century.  The first semi-reliable account of Nessie comes from the Spicers in 1933. The husband and wife were driving along the loch one night when they saw a creature with a neck as long as a Burmese Python and a body a little over a meter in height crossing in front of their vehicle.

Aside from photographs, eyewitness reports, and odd ripples, sonar hunts have been done in search of Nessie. One search in the December of 1954 yielded results 146 meters beneath the surface, keeping up with the boat. The other, a more formal study done by the Loch Ness Phenomena Investigation Bureau in 1968, picked up large creatures moving at approximately 12 mph. Another study done a year later came back with huge echoes. These are not fish, whatever they are.



The most obvious candidate for Nessie's true identity is some form of plesiosaur. Although plesiosaurs were not true dinosaurs, they did live around the same time, and describing them as "brontosaurus with flippers and sharp teeth" tends to simplify things. That said, they ate fish and other animals, not kelp, so if you do encounter a prehistoric beast in Loch Ness, approach with caution. They also had live babies, thus the lack of Nessie eggs.

To this day, we are not certain if there is anything in Loch Ness.  There are even some people theorizing that Nessie died a while back. Before you get on my case about how the government likes to cover things up, bear in mind that lakes are enclosed bodies of water. It is generally easier to find things that live in such a small range. Granted, Loch Ness is fairly deep and there are a bunch of unexplored areas, including underwater caverns. If Nessie does exist, it is doing a decent job at hiding.



Whether it exists or not, Nessie remains very popular in media. The Simpsons and South Park both had episodes mentioning Nessie. The Pokemon Lapras supposedly had the name "Ness" before the dubbers went with "Lapras." Then, of course, there is the CGI-fest called Water Horse - Legend of the Deep - a story which combines the legend of Nessie with that of the kelpie,  a magical Celtic creature. (J.K. Rowling suggested that, too.). Even if it isn't real, Nessie has made its mark.