They Actually Eat That: Oysters.

Well, it's been a while since I did this column! I recently got back from New Orleans, AKA "foodie heaven." It's the best place ever if you want to try something you have never eaten before. I looove crawfish, and had my first taste of creole, which is its own thing. Alligator meat is...where else? Florida? A few farms? Basically, New Orleans is not Chicago, which could only ever win awards for "most poisonous junk food." There's really good, unique stuff, there.

Oh, and oysters. I can say I've had oysters, now.

Oysters are everywhere in New Orleans. It's hard to walk down a street there without seeing at least one oyster bar, or at least someplace selling oysters, on your way. Oyster shells can be picked up off the ground, if you have a good eye. Bourbon and Royal Streets, both interesting in their own rights, have their fair share of oyster bars as well as other fun things to look at (every sin known to man and antique stores, respectively).

It's not that oysters are as unique as alligator meat, but, rather, that New Orleans has a lot of them. New Orleans is located right along an estuary - a place where fresh and saltwater mix. This creates a home so ideal for the eastern oyster (Crassostrea virginica) that several oyster reefs can be found right near New Orleans.

An oyster reef (or, confusingly, "oyster bar") is an area where successive generations of oysters thrive. There have been approximately 5,895 oysters recorded with in a single square yard of reef - that's 45 bushels, for the culinarily curious. Flatworms, small fish, and other molluscs all make their home in these massive oyster beds. Other things, such as cow-nose rays, also prey upon the oysters. There are plenty to go around, at least.

Source: Eatyourworld.com

So, how do they taste? It depends on how you eat them. If you coat them in butter, seasonings, or anything else, they'll almost inevitably taste like that dressing. It's a little hard to pick out the taste beneath that - I would call it more subtle than mussel. Eaten raw, they supposedly taste exactly like fresh and salt water - both at once. Eat them while you're in New Orleans, for sure.

A bonus point: raw oysters are a scientifically-proven aphrodisiac. Raw, and only raw, oysters, contain zinc and other minerals that boost sperm count. Casanova's secret is backed by scientific fact, so, while raw oysters sound good on a hot day anyways, don't be surprised to find more junk downstairs. If you feel the sudden urge to go down Bourbon St. after slipping in some raw oysters, nobody will blame you. I repeat: It is OK to have fun. 

New Orleans has a lot of creative food options. That said, I still haven't gotten bold enough to try escolar, which I did an entry on a while back. It's illegal in a lot of places, but my favorite N'awlins sushi haunt (Ginger Lime - Google map it if you're there!) is not one of them. 

Christmas Special: Christmas Tinner.

I could have done a lot of entries for Christmas. There are plenty of weird Christmas foods, including pig feet, lamb heads, and KFC, eaten around the world. Some places even omit meat entirely.  Oh, and I'm never out of winter creatures; I've just run out of Christmasy ones.

Alas, there's a new Christmas dinner on the block. It's "holiday special," "They Actually Eat That," and "Newsflash" all at once. Its name? "Christmas Tinner."

 

Yes, "tinner." As in, dinner. In a tin can. No matter where you go, Christmas dinner is a lot of food. That means somebody managed to compact a full-course meal in a tin can. Dear gods, what is this?

"A Christmas dinner with turkey, potatoes, roast carrots and broccoli sounds quite nice. Unless it's all served in a can, that is. The "Christmas Tinner," created by graphic designer Chris Godfrey, features a nine-course Christmas meal, layered into one tin can.

This dinner monstrosity is in all likelihood fake -- Godfrey created a similar meal-in-a-can project earlier this year. Currently, the can is supposedly sold out on GAME, a UK-based website for video gamers.

"The GAME Christmas Tinner is the ultimate innovation for gamers across the nation who can’t tear themselves away from their new consoles and games on Christmas Day," the website reads." -via Huffington Post.

Of course, it could all be fake- the creator's a graphic designer, after all. On the plus side, if anybody is left after the apocalypse, this is one holiday feast that'll still be around. Either way would not surprise me at this point!

I Actually Ate That: Crawfish.

 For those who do not keep up with my dA page, I have been traveling. A lot. This time, I got to head down south to New Orleans - a city known for sex, drugs, and...smooth jazz? Oh, and excellent food. This was what my adventurous tongue took on my first night in town:

This was a massive platter consisting of crayfish etouffee (the stew-ish stuff), au gratin, dressing balls, and crayfish tails served like popcorn shrimp. They did not tell us that the dish would be very heavily spiced, but that's just what you have to expect in NOLA. That, and Bourbon Street being full of sex and liquor every night.

Crayfish are like lobsters, but smaller. They generally inhabit unpolluted, freshwater areas of all sorts. They will eat anything you put in their tank- even other crayfish. There are some that do make good aquarium pets; please do research if you find crayfish interesting animals and wish to keep one rather than eat it. Otherwise, crayfish of the less friendly sorts are available at bait shops. More on that later.

Not all crayfish are created equal. Almost all of them are sensitive to polluted water. On the flipside, crayfish used as bait or farmed as food can decimate local crayfish populations if they get loose- they eat each other, remember? North American crayfish introduced a nasty water mould, Aphanomyces astaci, into European crayfih populations; the resistant American crayfish (like the signal crayfish below) have taken over. Eating invasive crayfish is a happy solution. Circle of life, now let's eat these guys!

There are a million ways to prepare crayfish, and Louisiana offers a good portion of them in one state. Crayfish tails look almost exactly like popcorn shrimp when breaded, but taste nothing alike. They can be boiled, put in gumbo, served au gratin like lobster, and a million other culinary styles. I've even had crayfish sushi. If you can handle other decapods, crayfish will be no problem for you. 

So, what did I think of the four dishes above? I'm not the best judge on land meat; I do, however, like seafood. Without a doubt, crayfish is the best crustacean I have had so far. It has no aftertaste like lobster, is more noticeable than shrimp, and doesn't taste like crab. In cajun cuisine, however, the spices tend to be piled on so thickly that you can't taste much of anything beneath them. I highly recommend etouffee if you want some genuine Louisiana crawdad, and au gratin or as little "popcorn" crayfish tails if you actually want to taste the stuff. The "dressing balls" were almost entirely spices. If you like shellfish already, you'll probably appreciate this Southern favorite. Alligator meat is also pretty abundant, so if that's your ticket, come into the bayou.

I Actually Ate That: Turtle.

So, while in Vancouver's Chinatown, there were a million food markets showcasing a million foods that Americans would consider "weird." Snakes and (Tokay) geckos on a stick come to mind immediately. There were a few large mushrooms I could not identify. They had tanks of live sole, tilapia, lobster, and crabs. For future reference, the smells mean freshness!

Oh, and I got to try turtle.

Those are turtle balls. Haha, no, they did not go inside a turtle and take out its junk. That's just turtle meat rolled up into a ball as an appetizer! I quite liked them, even if the sauce was something that I could not quite place (soy? probably). Turtle had a strange taste that I'm having trouble describing, but could probably pick out again. Despite being deep-fried, turtle was actually the most healthful of the dim-sum offered at the beginning of the meal.

Turtle has been used in Chinese medicine for centuries. You've heard the shtick several times on this column: you eat an animal, you gain its superpowers. Turtles are among the most long-lived of reptiles, with the record-holder for chelonians being Harriet at 179 years old- that's over twice the lifespan of the average human. Although that was a Galapagos tortoise and not a soft-shell turtle as is commonly used in cuisine, chelonians in general have an almost sage look to them with lifespans to match. It's not unreasonable to think that they might grant anybody who eats their flesh considerable longevity - maybe even youthfulness.

The kicker is that the Chinese were right about this one. Turtle meat has a number of health benefits according to Western science, too! It's significantly lower in calories than beef, albeit with less protein. It's also rich in vitamins A, B1, B2, and B6, which help make food processing easier. The minerals calcium, phosphorus, and zinc are also abundant in turtle meat. The stuff is pretty much its own vitamin shop if you do rigorous activity, and certainly makes a welcome alternative to your standard meats.

Another, odder turtle product called guilinggao is said to be a miracle worker for the skin. It's a strange jelly made from the plastron (tough belly) of a turtle (preferably the three-lined box or "golden coin" turtle, Cuora trifasciata) and a few other botanical ingredients. It's actually a jelly dessert, thought to be good for the skin. A word of warning for foodies everywhere: not all guilinggao contains actual turtle, despite what you see on the can.

Japan has another version of turtle meat still known as suppon. It's expensive, and usually packaged in plastic wrap like in the above screenie from Railgun S. Like most turtle meat, it's made from soft-shell turtle. Its uses are more cosmetic than medicinal; supposedly, its meat is high in collagen, which any lady out there will remember as being great for the skin. Its blood also supposedly tastes great with wine mixed in. The things people do for beauty, I guess.

Next time you go to Chinatown, take a good look around. Stop into a good restaurant and see what's on the native Chinese menu. They know how to make their food good, regardless of "weird" ingredients. Some of it is even great for you! I also could have tried snake soup, but decided against it...because I'm not really fond of soup, snake or no.

"They Actually Eat That:" Japan and Soft Serve Ice Cream.

While in Quebec, there was certainly plenty of weird food to pick on. They had pate of elk and bison. Among my finds was maple syrup soft serve ice cream, located alongside maple syrup everything else. Not only was it delicious, but it brought back memories of Japan, of all places.

If China is the nation that eats everything, Japan is the nation that puts everything in ice cream. Specifically, they love soft-serve ice cream - and when I say love, I mean 大好きです！Yes, they are so fond of soft-serve ice cream in particular that "soft cream" has its own holiday. It has a million flavors to choose from, but a few of them are definitely only in Japan.

Let me make this perfectly clear: I do not hate any of the flavors presented below. In fact, I have tried quite a few of them and have to admit that Japan may be onto something. Soft serve in Japan is a very happy memory for me. Even the cheap flavors in the kiosks work quite well. Behold: vanilla, sweet potato, and green tea soft serve!

Source, but these are not hard to find.

Weird though some of the flavors may be, Japan knows what it is doing when it comes to ice cream. Most of the mixes they make actually taste good. Green tea, for example, is actually not bad mixed with cream and vanilla; think a green tea Frappucino in ice cream form. Even flavors like scallop can be pretty good. Yes, you read that right: scallop-flavored ice cream.

The source says it's pretty good, too.

There may actually be a reason beyond weird for these ice cream flavors, however. Often, these "weird" flavors pop up in rural areas. Local flavors of whatever suddenly become local flavors of ice cream as a sort of advertising for tourists. This accumulation of weird flavors in the countryside is very true; my trip to Iwakuni yielded an ice cream shop with 99 flavors, among other things.

Unlike some things that Japan does, I hope this catches on. It's harmless, delicious, and helps support local businesses. Please don't make ice cream out of Chicago deep dish or hot dogs, though. Just make a Garrett's soft serve blend with bits of popcorn in and all will be well. I'd totally buy that- hint hint.

"They Actually Eat That:" Poutine.

Early on Friday, I'll be headed into Canada. Specifically, I'll be in Quebec, putting years of French into practice. They also seem to have some exotic meats, including things like reindeer, so expect an entry on whatever my curious tongue happens to find. Thanks to the interwebs, I have a fair amount of Canadian friends, too. One of them recommended this:

My first thought: "You sure this isn't from Wisconsin? Looks like something they'd do."
Poutine is not from Wisconsin, but is a distinctly Quebecois dish. The recipe is simple: fries, cheese curds, gravy on the whole thing. It started somewhere in rural Quebec, then spread throughout Canada. Even people who don't like French people love poutine. 

Indeed, poutine is not French. Even though French fries are, well, not quite French (they were invented in Belgium, but French cuisine does use them), one look at this dish tells me that poutine is American. One of the popular origins of the word "poutine" is "pudding" - as in, this is a dish that makes you fat. Another is linked to the idea that the food will make a big mess - again, not something I can picture the French advertising. It also just looks so darn close to our disgusting cheese fries that I cannot unsee the similarity. Hopefully it tastes a lot better, using fresh cheese curds instead of artificially-colored "cheese."

The exact origins of poutine are a mystery. Everybody and their mother claims that they thought of poutine. We think it came from Drummondville, Quebec. At least, that's one of the places with a yearly festival devoted to cheese, gravy, and fries. The term has been used to describe gravy, cheese, and fries since 1978.

Then the dish became insanely popular. In a poll of the top ten Canadian inventions, poutine was ranked at #10, beating out the BlackBerry and the electron microscope. Canadians seek out poutine whenever they travel. It may as well be Canada's national junk food at this point.

Even if you can't make it to Canada, chances are there's a variation of cheese fries around you if you live in the Western hemisphere. It sounds good, if fattening, and I look forward to trying it.  It may be 740 calories, but sounds well worth trying at least once. I'm not saying it's bad; I'm saying I haven't tried it yet.

They Actually Eat That + Creature Feature: Living Rocks.

Apologies for the lack of entries. There are two reasons for it: one, vacation in Minnesota and summer in general made a mess of my schedule; two,  I've had a hard time getting motivated. No more of that! This is probably the weirdest creature I've ever seen. Behold...

Source.

...the not-so-giant rock!

Yes, that rock is alive. It's called Pyura chilensis - "piure" for short in Spanish. It's part of the extremely weird group of creatures called tunicates/sea squirts- primitive vertebrates that are free-swimming when young, then become stationary blobs as adults. In this case, the blob looks like a giant rock and lives off the coast of Chile and Peru. As with all other mature tunicates, it is a filter feeder, feeding on any microorganisms that find their way into its rocky, yet surprisingly squishy insides before squirting that water back out.

Yeah, maybe it's time for a refresher on what a tunicate is. Tunicates, sea squirts, and sea salps are, collectively, the weirdest chordates in existence. They start life as free-swimming, tadpole-like creatures with brains, spines, and other very vertebrate traits. When they mature, however, they change entirely, eating their primitive spinal chord and becoming little more than jellyfish or sponges. In this case, the piura becomes a living rock as an adult. Can it have the "best camouflage ever" award? It pretty much ate its brain for it.

Like all tunicates, the living rock is a sequential hermaphrodite. It's born male, then becomes female as it gets older.When it's on the edge of becoming female, it releases both sperm and eggs into a messy cloud in the water. Yes, the living rock can effectively mate with itself if the need arises. Consider your mind blown.

You may have noticed that this is also a "They Actually Eat That" entry. Yes, the living rock is actually edible, and quite popular at that. Peoples in coastal Central and South America are in fact quite fond of eating this tunicate. It has also taken on some popularity in Sweden and Japan. I'm personally more surprised about Sweden than Japan in this instance. It's described as being "bitter and soapy," but supposedly goes great on rice or as fried tunicate meat. Whose idea it was to break apart a rock for food in the first place

There are, however, some concerns about eating piura. For whatever reason, piura meat contains an exceedingly high amount of vanadium- look it up on the periodic chart if you've never even heard of that metal (it probably was not on your chemistry exam). The concentration of vanadium in a single rocky tunicate is ten million times that of the surrounding seawater. Vanadium has been suspected of causing liver damage in high amounts. This has not stopped people from going along the coast and picking up living rocks underwater.

This entry was so weird and strange that I may just go ahead and do a tunicate theme week...hm.. 

"They Actually Eat That:" Donut Peaches.

If you can, go to a farmer's market sometime. They usually have stuff that is not only interesting, but edible. You won't find these weird things in a grocery store, so keep your eyes peeled and your tongue curious. Never know what you'll find.

Yeah, I demanded to know what these were as soon as I laid eyes on them in Daley Plaza.. They are donut peaches, also called "Saturn peaches." They looked like peaches, but flatter and rounder. They also seem to be the next big thing for people who like peaches. Hey, I like peaches, so I got a basket.

Donut peaches have been around in China for centuries (1100 BCE), but they were only introduced to the U.S. in 1869. They became popular in the 1990's, faded out, and now, ten years later, the seeds of this popularity are finally bearing fruit.They are harvested late spring until the end of summer, so if you didn't get them already, get 'em now.



I tried one of these for myself. They certainly aren't bad, and the round pit is cute. Although some have recommended them as a travel snack, be warned that they are on the messy side of things. Apricots are smaller and cleaner, but if you simply must have a peach in your pocket, go nuts. They also have something called a "honey gene" that makes peaches sweeter.

 Be warned , however, that they taste more like almonds than most peaches, and probably have more of whatever it is that triggers almond allergies. Overall, they're an enjoyable little treat. Check for them at your local farmer's market. If you happen to live in California, several restaurants have them as well. This is one fruit that will surely get more popular with time. Try it before everybody else.

"They Actually Eat That:" Mastika.

I do not talk about it frequently on this blog, but every Monday, I go down to Greektown (Chicago) and volunteer at the Hellenic Museum. This exposes me to all sorts of Greek foods and drinks on a regular basis. A lot of people know about stuff like baklava, spanakopita, and ouzo, but there are some very traditional Greek things that no doubt some people avoid because they haven't heard of it. This entry is devoted to one of those things.

Greece- no, Europe- loves a drink/gum/flavoring called mastika. It is so named for being made from mastic ("tooth-gnashing") gum. In Greece, it is frequently served with appetizers (meze) and almond-based desserts. I'm fairly sure that this was what I had as "medicine" in Greece the one time I went there. It's also popular in Romania, Macedonia, and Bulgaria.

Mastika is made from mastic gum, which is made of the resin of Pistacia lenticus. P. lenticus is an evergreen shrub native to the Mediterranean region. It has been produced since ancient times on the island of Chios in Greece, which is so famous that it has its own variety of mastika. For this reason, "mastic" is often synonymous with "gum." Should you find yourself near an actual mastic shrub, the sap drips off from the tree in "tears," and the result is sold as a yellowish, crystallized droplet. 

Source with more.

Mastika can be described as tasting like anise or licorice. I personally see it as having a taste all its own. If you've ever had Riesen candy, there's a little bit of that flavor, too. It's worrisome that it's 50% alcohol - people with low tolerance, stay away. The tiny medicinal dose given my Greek place likely won't hurt you, but be warned that it's strong stuff and indeed has a flavor.

For all you teetotalers out there, it is possible to find mastic gum by itself. The Hellenic Museum has mastic candies, both hard and gummy like Turkish delight. Mastic itself is fine chewing gum, albeit expensive. It's good for you, sporting antioxidant and antibacterial properties. Try some if you get the chance; traditional Greek food and liquor stores might carry mastika, or, better still, hard candies flavored with the stuff. Have your gum and chew it, too...for hours.

"They Actually Eat That:" Purple Carrot.

Purple and red seem to be "in" health food colors these days. One, red is the most attractive color to the human eye; why not market it? Two, ever since pomegranates, almost anything red or deep blue can be labeled as having antioxidants - chemicals that supposedly bust trans fat (best avoided to begin with) and slow cellular decay. That said, is it any surprise that I found a food drink with purple carrots in it?

You should buy these. Right now.

Yes, carrots come in purple. The result looks like the ultimate, tie-dye hippie food above. It's also totally true that one can turn orange if one eats too many carrots.This has less to do with the color of the root and more with the vitamin content - in this case, beta carotene. Purple carrots still have beta carotine in there, so you'll turn orange, not purple, if you eat too many!

Actually, all carrots used to be purple. That was true of corn at first, too. The original carrots, grown in Afghanistan some 5 millennia ago, were reddish-purple roots with splashes of orange. Wild carrots remain purple, have more of a stem, and are more bitter than their orange counterparts. In short, they are less tasty, but still potentially edible - and very good for you.

Like many other popular purple and red foods, purple carrots have anthocynanins, a type of antioxidant. Antioxidants, along with busting trans-fats, are the modern panacea. They do everything from weight management to memory enhancement to preventing heart attacks, depending on who you ask. Overall, purple carrots really seem like a superfood made better. There are plenty of captive-bred varieties that blend the best of both worlds. 

The orange carrots we know and love today were cultivated by the Dutch in the 17th century. They were cultivated to be more, well, edible than their wild counterparts. The root has more meat, less woody stem, and is overall more food for one's buck. The orange may have also become popular because of the Dutch House of Orange. Even if they don't have anthocynanins, eat up- they do indeed help your eyes and still have a lot of good in there.

They Actually Eat That/A Week of Hogwash: Head Cheese.

Originally, this entry was going to be dedicated to Hormel. Not only are they probably awful factory farmers, depriving piggies of their natural well-being, but they will put everything and anything ham-related into a can. That includes canned bacon and taquitos. Look it up if you're curious; I'm just going to sigh, say "oh, Hormel," and move on to something even more disgusting than canned bacon. 

This is commonly known in the U.S. as "head cheese." It is also called "souse" or "brawn" if one simply must make it sound more classy to offset exactly what sort of meat is in question. As one can probably guess, it is made from the head of the pig, sheep, or calf. It has been around since the Middle Ages as a European peasant food. Gee, I wonder why?

Let's think about that for a moment.  There are plenty of meaty parts on an animal's body. The head is not one of them unless the animal in question happens to be a whale or dolphin. Feel your own head for a minute and imagine someone thinking, "hey, there might be meat, there." You'd probably think they were the stupidest, sickest people on earth, right? So, how does that relatively thin skin even remotely qualify as food?

Hey, remember aspic? How about gelatin? Head cheese is usually in a meat gel like that. The meat around the skull naturally gels that way to some degree. Head cheese can look like perfectly OK loaves of mystery meat (see also: meat glue), or it can look like modern food/art gone horribly wrong. Some people think it looks really beautiful; while I can see why they think that, I do not necessarily agree.

OK, this one from the Houston Press does look nice.

Who would do such a thing? Everybody. China does it, every country in Europe does it, and America does it by default. It's a good way to use up parts of a pig that nobody would otherwise eat, even if it happens to be from the 2nd ring of Hell. If a culture eats pigs, it has head cheese in some form. Now enjoy your 4th of July barbeque if you happen to be in the United States. :)

"They Actually Eat That:" Hibiscus.

 Every so often, a new 'superfood' suddenly floods the market. Usually, it's something only a small amount of people have heard of, comes with a fancy Greco-Roman science word attached, and has a long history of being medicinal from the ancient past. Recently, the buzzword has become "antioxidants," and acai and pomegranates are leading the way in that regard. Here's what is slowly becoming the next "superfood:"

This flower should look familiar to a lot of you. It's a type of flower called hibiscus, and is probably the most marketable superfood yet. Yeah, that flower on tacky Hawaiian shirts? That's hibiscus. Hibiscus iced tea is becoming more and more popular, popping up in Starbucks, Argo Tea, and Panera. It has "from Asia" and "might have antioxidants" going for it already.

But is it actually edible?

First off, the nectar and tea are usually pretty safe. Hibiscus has been used as a tea for centuries in Asia and Nile Valley Africa. The tea has been believed to cure everything from high blood pressure to cancer.  I've had hibiscus tea and nectar plenty of times with no adverse reactions. The only confirmed medicinal effect of hibiscus is as a diuretic, but people are looking into antioxidants.

The diuretic effect is particularly noticeable if animals eat it. I've heard varying reports, but the general consensus is that hibiscus plants are toxic to cats, dogs, and horses. It probably isn't the end of the world after one little bite, but just to be safe, hibiscus is on the list of "plants that are not pet-friendly." If your pet starts acting odd after eating hibiscus, call poison control.

As for actually eating hibiscus, there are dos and don'ts. Some hibiscus varieties are not edible, period. Others, like Hibiscus sabdariffa, can be eaten in salads and stir-fries like red spinach (which is its own thing). Most restaurant chains and such will not be using the poisonous varieties of hibiscus, so please enjoy the summer's latest iced tea craze. Just don't use it to cure cancer or give it to your dog, OK?

"They Actually Eat That:" Hummus.

Just to prove that I don't play favorites, the U.S. has some pretty gross foods, too. The crowning achievement, as of late, has to be Dunkin's newest breakfast sandwich. It consists of bacon and egg...on a glazed doughnut. Original, yet sickening.

Luckily, some of us have realized that foreign diets are pretty much unanimously better than the American "diet." Mediterranean food, from Greek yogurt to gyros, has always been pretty popular and is only getting more so as time goes on. One of the newer things from that area to hit the scene is hummus, which is unfortunately also greasy. Not as nasty as some of the things on this blog,  but certainly messy and interesting.

Biggest hummus dish EVER.

So, what is hummus, anyways? In short, it's a chickpea dip. Nobody knows when it started, but it has been around in Iran, Iraq, Pakistan, and Egypt since time immemorial. The first recorded instance of hummus as we know it comes from 13th century Cairo. The dip consists of lemon, mashed chickpeas, olive oil, salt, garlic, and something called tahini (sesame paste). It is also usually served with pita chips, so chips n' dip go back farther than you might think!

Hummus is one of the healthiest foods ever. It makes something called a "complete protein" with bread, making it ideal for vegetarian and vegan diets. This is even better if one happens to be allergic to tree nuts. There are several commercial brands available in the States.  Strange as it may be, it's actually good that it's getting popularized.

You can also get creative with hummus!

Now, some people like the taste of hummus. That's fine. It does not change that it's still a greasy mess to clean, not to mention adds the scent of garlic to one's breath for the rest of the day. (This one's from personal experience.) So long as you don't have any important events to go to, enjoy your hummus. It's one of the few dips that's actually good for you.

"They Actually Eat That:" Hongeohoe.

You thought this week would be out of shark-related stuff because I did hakarl last week, didn't you? The good news is you were half-right; I had originally intended to do shark liver oil, then found something grosser, yet still slightly shark-related. The bad news? It is grosser than liver oil, and almost as nasty as hakarl. Oh, and you'll have to learn something, too.

The pink stuff may look like regular fish, but looks are deceiving. Hongeohoe is a Korean dish consisting of fermented Korean skate, which -

Wait. What's a "skate" in this context?

Skates, like stingrays, are related to sharks. They usually dwell in deep waters and can actually taste quite good if prepared correctly. Being cartilaginous fish (i.e. not having real bones), sharks, rays, and skates are all related. (Deepsea chimeras also fall here, but are so distantly related that they are usually given their own family.) Basically, if you imagine a stingray with a sturdier tail and less wing, you've got a skate.

Like hakarl, hongeohoe involves a fermented fish. In this case, the raw skate is wrapped in rice stalks and dung, then allowed to rot for several weeks. It supposedly came about by accident when Korean sailors let the fish rot and found it was still edible, possessing a "stinging" flavor. Yeah, that already sounds pleasant, doesn't it?

Hongeohoe tastes very much like hakarl - or, rather, like ammonia. Sharks urinate through their skin, apparently, so when a shark dies, the urine becomrs ammonia.Ammonia is found in most households as a cleaning fluid and is a frequent by-product of many biological reactions. If you want to try some, please don't try too much. As with hakarl, hongeohoe is very much an acquired taste and is not for the faint of heart or weak of stomach. 

So, how bad is it? Andrew Zimmern was only able to stomach one piece. Some lucky people have been able to eat three. A wash with rice wine is recommended afterwards. Yes, hongeohoe is indeed the Asian answer to hakarl, even if a shark is not technically involved. Some things remain constant within humanity; apparently fermenting shark/skate is one of those things. (And yes, I know other cultures see cheese as rotten milk.)

"They Actually Eat That:" Hakarl.

I think some of my faith in humanity just died. Why? Because people actually eat toxic, 23-foot-long shark, and it's popular.

No, really. There are people who eat poisonous, polar bear-eating shark. In Iceland, there is a dish called hakarl frequently eaten in winter. It happens to be the national food of Iceland, and is made entirely of Greenland shark. There are different varieties depending on where it comes from. It still comes from the same shark that is about the size of Jaws and eats Christmas mascots as a snack.

How do they do it? By making the shark rot. They bury it in a pit for a month or five, using heavy rocks to add pressure onto the dead shark. Bacteria take out the toxins in the shark's flesh during that time, making it fit for human consumption. It is then hung up to dry. Note how "delicious" does not come up in that description. Just "fit for human consumption." It's edible, but by no means delicious.

Hakarl is definitely an acquired taste. Most first-timers are advised to hold their noses; like many fermented foods, hakarl tastes (slightly) better than it smells. But don't take my word for it; the video below has testimonials detailing exactly how bad hakarl is. Chef Ramsey himself could not stomach it. No wonder brennivin is consumed afterwards.



To be fair, we can see how someone would want to eat the shark. Traditional Icelandic stuff is made with shark teeth. Just about the only thing they weren't using was the meat. It's still a freaky way to use it; "hey, let's get this bad-tasting shark to decay, and hope the poison's out while the shark's still reeking from bacteria." Yep, great logic.

After Earth would never happen. Humans would decimate every habitat so much that nature would bounce back in strange, unpredictable ways, using exactly none of the cute, fuzzy animals in that movie. The future bat in Primeval is more realistic than that.

They Actually Eat That: Space Food.

Hey, speaking of space, ever wonder what they eat in space? Wonder no more! "They Actually Eat That" will cover what they eat, how they do it, and where you can find some here on Earth. Disclaimer: no aliens were harmed in the making of this cuisine.

First off, imagine how difficult it must be to eat in space. We take gravity for granted. It is very difficult to assemble, say, a salad or hamburger without gravity helping you. In space, there is no gravity; that means food needs to be very, very different. Luckily, since swallowing is all muscle movement, gravity is no issue once the food is actually in your body. It's just assembling the food making sure it's, well, food that's the hard part.

The logic that goes into space food is much the same as that of TV dinners: quick, tasty, most likely dehydrated food that keeps well. There are several foods that meet these criteria by themselves - nuts, cookies, and nutrition bars are fine examples. Even a Chewy bar is a welcome replacement for, well, this:

When the space race first started, space food sucked. One Russian journal described it as "toothpaste." The U.S, and other nations had similar reactions. Everybody agreed that it tasted awful and could barely be called food.

Recent efforts and a lot of money have gone into making delectable dishes space-worthy. By no means are we talking actual gourmet banquets; Russian space flights have over 300 options when it comes to food, but fresh food needs to be eaten almost immediately. Anything that leaves crumbs is also right out (careful, they're ruffled!). I don't know how granola bars work with that, but they must have gotten better about crumbs over the years.

Specifically, something called the "retort process" makes many things more viable in space. The idea is similar to canning in that the food inside is cooked at a temperature so high that almost all microbes are eliminated. Camping and military rations use this process as well. We use retort pouches in things like Capri Sun and easy-cook rice. They are not hard to find if you know what to look for.

So what about things like "astronaut ice cream?" Yes, in theory, that is space food. Only Apollo 7 actually took ice cream into space. It's still worth a try if you want a taste of what dehydrated food is like. That is part of the astronaut diet, after all. 

"They Actually Eat That:" Sweet Sue's Canned Whole Chicken.

Along with apparently having fetishes for everything, humans will also put anything into a can. The idea of having food last almost forever is very tempting. However, there are some instances when the question is not can you, but should you, can this thing? This is one of the things that you should not can:

This is Sweet Sue canned whole chicken. As in, somebody took a chicken, stuffed it into a can, and pretended that it was done by somebody named Sue. I don't even know where they sell these. The 6th Ring of Hell is a fair enough guess. It seems to be a food made for foodies to try once, blog about, then promptly call disgusting.

Why do I say this? Because:

Sweet Sue, by which I mean Satan, does not lie and knows how to label hellish edibles. It's literally as if they stuffed a (small) chicken into a can. Not everything stays in tact, but there is undeniably a whole chicken in there. It also looks like it rose from the chickeny grave, only to die again, but nobody would ever be so desperate as to attempt chicken necromancy. At least it isn't false advertising.

So, how does it taste? In a word, bad. According to this blogger, it has a metallic taste, even after being cooked, along with being roughly like chicken soup in flavor. I will not touch this can, and if I do, I'm taking it to an exorcist. Or the Ghostbusters, whoever wants to deal with canned zombie chicken.

Morbid curiosity says that somebody, somewhere finds this appetizing. Alas, I do not know where these people are.  The rest of the world finds it the single strangest canned food in existence. Homestyle goodness indeed.

"They Actually Eat That:" Amarula/Marula.

Want to see for yourself if marula fruit works? Good news: Humans like marula, too. In fact, we like marula so much that marula trees are protected. Translated: don't chop them down, we want awesome fermented fruit!

Source.

Marula is so known for its alcoholic properties that it has "birrea" in its scientific name (Sclerocarya birrea). It can be found in southern Africa and Madagascar. One of the closest relatives to marula is the cashew plant, of all things. Marula is extremely popular in its native areas, with so many uses aside from liquor that it's insane.

First off, the fruit is edible. Much like most animals, people can enjoy the ripe fruit of the marula tree without getting wasted. The hard-cased seed is high in fat and protein. Other, less orthodox uses include a bite/sting painkiller, ink, and pesticide. It's not a panacea so much as "try marula for your household needs!" There is so much more to this fruit than just drunk elephants.

Finally, yes, marula can indeed be used to make liquor. The fruits naturally ferment after about three days. The most famous of these is Amarula, a marula and cream beverage that supposedly makes amazing cocktails. They use an elephant as a marketing mascot, if only because elephants love marula fruit. It is apparently so deeply associated with elephants that the clip from last entry might have some basis in fact.

Now, does the fruit really get elephants drunk? Probably not. They may, however, still get high off of the beetle-infested bark of the tree. Either way, they're still as fond of recreational drugs as humans are. I propose that the Animals Are Beautiful People clip not be entirely dismissed, seeing as elephants do get drunk. Marula fruits are indeed a natural source of liquor. Feel free to share it with your college friends.

"They Actually Eat That:" Sarsparilla.

So today's my last full day in Texas, the one state who appreciates the Old West like no other. San Antonio's basketball team is the "Spurs," for crying out loud. If only I had found an old-timey saloon and gotten a sarsaparilla.  Nope, drinking is not that fun, but hoo boy are there a lot of places to do it in Texas.

Wait. Was that still English? What's a "sarsaparilla?" Is it deadly?

Sarsaparilla is a soda associated with the Old West. It is also a plant, Smilax regelli, which is usually used to make the soda and is native to Central America. The soda was used in Western films, particularly in ABC's TV series Sugarfoot, and has been linked with the West ever since.

Like Coca-Cola, sarsparilla was originally marketed as a health tonic. It was patented to cure blood and skin problems. The plant itself was said to be a cure for syphilis. I'll file it with the other not-panaceas - just to be on the safe side. Since the original sarsaparilla used no sarsaparilla at all, however, these claims may have been made based on the birch root in the soda. Talk about false advertising! 

Worried about liquor in your herbal drinks? Nothing of the sort is in sarsaparilla. Part of the joke in Westerns that feature the drink is that real cowboys order hard whiskey. Ordering a sarsaparilla was certainly not manly. I mean, just look at that word, not to mention the common mispronunciation of "sass-parilla." Plus, it's all organic, and only chicks do that sort of thing, right?

People still enjoy sarsaparilla today...but mostly in other countries. The Taiwanese sarsaparilla above, for example, contains actual sarsaparilla and a few other ingredients. Australia loves sarsaparilla. It can also be found in certain stores carrying brewery-style sodas in glass bottles. Still, it's a piece of the wild, wild West that is quite hard to find these days in America. The rest of the world knows good soda when they see it.

"They Actually Eat That:" Orange Roughy.

If you live near any big city, there is a fine chance that there is an aquarium near you. Aquariums tend to have handy little pocket guides for what seafood is safe and sustainable and what is not. If you can get a hold of such a chart, I can promise you this fellow will be on the "avoid" list. Not the guy, the fish:

Source.

The fish above is an orange roughy (Hoplostethus atlanticus). It is a deep-sea fish, much like the anglerfish and other glowing creatures. The red-orange color comes from eating crustaceans, just like with pink flamingoes. It is also called a "slimehead" or "deepsea perch." "Slimehead"- what a lovely name. It makes "roughy" sound appealing by comparison. 

Here's the kicker: every single orange roughy is wild-caught. Certain restaurants might even market this fact. There are no orange roughy farms, yet tilapia and salmon pile themselves upon grocery shelves. It seems to be a fairly popular fish, so why hasn't anybody tried to farm them?

Here's a little-known facet of what makes an animal good for domestication: the reproductive age must be equal to or less than that of a human. Humans start becoming reproductively-capable in their teens; most pet and farm animals take two years, if that, until they are ready to reproduce. The orange roughy takes anywhere from thirty-three years to fifty. 

Yes, this popular food fish takes fifty years to become sexually mature. Anyone who wanted to breed orange roughy would be in for a very long wait. Even if someone possessed that amazing level of dedication, they would not be able to keep up with the demand for this fish. The orange roughy on one's plate could be around 150 years old - most humans do not live that long. No wonder the stocks around Australia and New Zealand are depleted -  they're trying to feed creatures that multiply like rodents. Never mind the mercury; orange roughy is on that "avoid" list for a very good reason.

Personal preference time:I have tried orange roughy, unsustainable though it may be. I absolutely love this fish. It ranks up there with halibut and certain forms of salmon as one of my favorite food fish. Aside from sweets, this fish is among my guiltiest of guilty pleasures. Now I'm going to feel even guiltier about ordering it at a certain Greek restaurant.