Creature Feature: Sapo.

I am hard-pressed to find something terrifying that fits here and not in the theme week, "Proof That There Is No God." Yes, next week covers things so terrifying that we cannot believe that a merciful god exists anymore.

So here's a frog that gets you plastered. Enjoy!

The giant leaf frog (Phyllomedusa bicolor), or just Sapo, is a toad native to the Amazon rainforest. It is nocturnal, meaning that frog hunts must be done at night or in the early morning. The frog sings only after it rains. Presumably, it eats some of the many insects that fly rampant throughout the Amazon.

The five-dollar question: How giant is giant?  I'll put it this way instead of giving you numbers: It does not fit comfortably in a human hand. It was called a "beautiful, giant thing" by Vice Magazine.  Some people have also felt psychoactive effects just by touching it, so not only is it huge, it gets you high as a kite.

We have to presume you are not buzzed while holding this.

Before you ask: No, these are not toads you lick. The Sapo is a toad that the Mayoruna and Matses natives tie up with grass, then torment until the venom forms a gelantinous teal coating on the toad's skin. The venom is then put on sticks that are burned into a shaman's skin.

And then they get high on the frog venom. The frog affects everybody differently. It can lead to sedation, stimulation, hallucinations, anorexia, and apparently spiritual experiences. It reacts to the same receptors opium does, but the burn probably deters people from using it as often as opium. It almost makes you wonder "who tried this first and how long did he live?" Seriously, who thought this was a good idea?

As one might have guessed, the Sapo is the target of considerable research. Aside from being a great drug, the waxy venom might be able to cure cancer and AIDS. There have been a few attempts to patent Sapo venom compounds, but no headway has been made in the research department. Hmm...I wonder why? Could they have achieved spiritual enlightenment and gone "Screw patents?"

Creature Feature: Candiru.

You thought the brown recluse was cruel? Nature's specialty is playing mean jokes on humanity. Here, let us show you:



Yes, that little fish just went where the sun don't shine. It did not mean to; exactly why it did in this instance has not yet been determined, despite what the video says. The fish in question is called a candiru, and it usually parasitizes catfish.

Candiru can refer, variously, to either one species (Vandellia cirrhosa), a whole genus of parasitic catfish (yes, catfish in catfish), or two of the genera in the family Trichomycteridae. All species called "candiru" are native to the Amazon and Rio Negro rivers in Brazil.

Tiny fish are tiny!

 














The candiru that people usually talk about is V. cirrhosa. V. cirrhosa is a hematophagous parasite of catfish gills. It has a slender, clear body which also lends it the name "toothpick fish." It normally swims into the gills of a larger catfish and, using special spines, locks itself into the gills until it has sucked enough blood. It only stays in the fish's gills for a few seconds.

Now for the ultimate question: Do these fish really enter human bodies through the junk?

For the record, penes do have bones. None of them look like fish.

 

















 Short answer: Yes. Long answer: Yes, but it's rare. The only known recorded attack was in 1997, but there are a few sociocultural records detailing candiru attacks as well. The tribesmen of the Amazon prescribe two plants, Genipa americana and a special kind of apple, in order to kill (actually DISSOLVE) the fish. Westerners typically use surgery. The natives have become OK with that, too.

Nobody is 100% sure on why candiru occasionally swim into the human nether regions. Tests have disproved the 'urea' theory mentioned in the video. According to newer research, the candiru is a more visual hunter than anything. If it goes up one's junk, that might just be a compliment; it thought that person was a big fish, after all.



Tomorrow: Look out, there are llamas!

Creature Feature: Arapaima.

Ever wonder where tales of river monsters come from? You know, besides the whole "a river is, in itself, a destructive force?" Wonder no more. Tales of giant aquatic monsters may very well come from giant fish like this:



That monster of a catch is an arapaima (Arapaima gigas - or, "this fish is BIG"). It is also called a pirarucu or paiche in the Amazon region. One can only assume that there is still another word for "freakin' huge fish."

Keen observers will notice that this fish resembles an arowana in some ways. Yes, they are related. The arapaima, however, is limited to the Amazon River basin and not found in Asia or Africa like other arowanas. The arowana types are so widespread because they first evolved on Gondwana- y'know,  before the continents split up.




Which arapaima is the largest ever is up for debate; supposedly, there was an arapaima specimen over 14 feet long. The recorded average is a little over 2 meters (6.6 ft), although specimens up to 8.5 feet have been well-documented. A single one of these fish can produce over 70 kilograms of meat; as you can probably imagine, this has led to the giant fish going commercially extinct...except in Thailand, where they just LOVE breeding giant fish for fun. (No, it is not native there.)

Tongue, scale...and trading card?

The arapaima is not just big, it is weird as well.  All osteoglossiformes (including this thing and arowanas) sport bony tongues. These are rough enough to scrape bark, and, presumably, the flesh of smaller river-dwelling munchies. Arapaimas also breathe air (as do bettas - a tidbit I was unaware of when I did that betta entry) via a labyrinth organ.



Arapaimas are well-known in popular culture. If you play any video game that involves fishing, you will probably see this big fellow as a rare catch. Hell, even Street Fighter has a reference to this giant fish. (That's Animal Crossing up there.)

Creature Feature: Mata mata

Turtles are cute, slow, lovable and most of them would not hurt a fly. Some of them would not mind a vertebrate now and again, but for the most part, they are one of the least objectionable reptiles in the world. It's hard to have a turtle-phobia.


AAAH, REPTILES! Oh, wait...those are actually kinda cute.

Nature just had to make one of the fish-eating turtles as ugly as possible:


Remember, turtles are naturally adorable.

Meet the matamata (Chelus fimbriatus), a turtle native to the Amazon River and some of the surrounding swamps. It is very lazy and very flat; quite easy to mistake for leaves or driftwood from above. Like the three-toed sloth, algae growing on its carapace makes its camouflage even better. It has a 'horn' that allows it to get air while barely moving a muscle. The matamata is probably the real version of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.



Hanging down from its face and neck are fleshy little projections. Nobody really knows what these are for; they could add to the matamata's already superb camouflage, serve as subtle lures or even be sensory adaptations.



As unsuspecting fish draw near, the matamata opens its mouth to create a small vacuum. Like something out of a cartoon, the fish are sucked in. The matamata cannot chew due to its odd mouth, but with a contraption like that, it does not need to.



Mata mata are native to humid environments. Although they are available in the exotic pet trade, they are not a beginner's turtle; not only are they expensive, but they like slightly acidic water with a high tannin content. If all of that just went WAY over your head, you can't have one.

Creature Feature: Three-toed Sloth.

This is my punishment for being so damn slow on these things: Friday's 'take it easy' animal is the Three-Toed Sloth.


(Not the yukkuri.)



How the hell did evolution create this? If a chicken can cross a road, surely a three-toed sloth (genus Bradypus) can. It's flat and slow enough to be mistaken for roadkill.

Sloths were not originally the laziest creatures in the world. They used to be gigantic beasts that gave the African elephant a run for its money as the world's largest land mammal. Like elephants, these mammals were herbivorous, but may have had some animal protein mixed into their diet; several of their adaptations resemble those in carnivorids. (This is controversial, but since the idea of a GIANT carnivore is so intimidating, nature programs capitalize on it.)


Holy ****.

Humans suck, Pleistocene megafauna varies inversely with human activity, BLAH BLAH BLAH. You've heard my shpiel on this before. There are a few rumors of this creature still roaming the Amazon, but the end result of this massive sloth extinction was particularly pathetic.



Sloths went from being massive badasses to creatures that sleep 15-20 hours a day. This thing is so slow that algae grows in its fur as it hangs, day after day, in the treetops of the Amazon. The algal growth provides excellent camouflage; as the animal stays nearly motionless in the treetops, it resembles a pile of dead leaves.


Or Chewbacca's long lost cousin with different teeth.

Three-toed sloths only leave the trees to take a crap; they also urinate more when it rains. That's a lot of timing required to go to the bathroom! It gets weirder: Like naked mole rats, three-toed sloths have extremely slow metabolisms and little to no internal temperature regulation. This makes them akin to big, fuzzy reptiles.

Nobody knows when three-toed sloths mate, but science's best guess is between March-February. Once born, the baby sloth stays attached to its mother's nipple for nine months; it drinks what little milk there is as soon as it is produced.


Born to climb.

Creature Feature: Hoatzin.

Raise your hand if you know what an Archaeopteryx is.




If you have no clue, an Archaeopteryx is a small feathered dinosaur. The fossil was found in Germany. It had the body of a theropod (raptor-like, bipedal) dinosaur and distinct feathery imprints around its forelimbs and tail. It is thought of as the main piece of evidence that dinosaurs evolved into birds, even though several other feathered dinosaurs were found after Archie's discovery.

Now, tell me that this creature does not look like a slightly more evolved version of Archaeopteryx:



Meet the hoatzin (Opisthocomus hoazin). It is native to the Amazon rainforest and the surrounding swamps. Some might live in your nightmares, too.

This animal looks weird all around. The last time we saw red eyes surrounded by blue skin was on the cassowary, AKA 'that herbivorous avian death machine from Australia.' Unlike on most birds, you can easily see the hoatzin's external ears. It also has a crazy, non-sexually dimorphic crest.


All things considered, a pretty bird.

Though the hoatzin bears a strong resemblance to some sort of pheasant, the two birds are unrelated. Nobody knows what other birds are related to the hoatzin. Centuries have gone by and it is STILL up for debate. Genetic testing has actually made this problem worse. Thus far, science's best guess is that hoatzin are related to doves.


Not seeing much of a resemblance...

Chances are that, like a few other animals that this blog has covered, the hoatzin is a living fossil with very few extant relatives. To support this, its chicks sport clawed wings like Archaeopteryx.


Lucky birds.

Weirdness is skin deep in the hoatzin. The bird has a gut like a cow and smells like one, too, earning it the name 'Stinkbird.' Despite being native to the Amazon, it is hardly threatened; even the natives hesitate to eat it because it smells and tastes so bad. Yet another reason to be thankful that we do not yet have Smell-O-Vision!

Creature Feature: Pink River Dolphins

Dolphins are the girliest creatures alive. Many of us know them as the ocean's most giggly, playful residents, making dolphins and rainbows go hand in hand. Dolphins are extremely intelligent creatures, and, because of their social natures, are used at least as often as wolves for examples of natural parallels to human society. That includes rape and murder, by the way.

What many people do not know is that there are a fair amount of freshwater dolphin species. One species of river dolphin (the Yangtze River Dolphin) went officially extinct in 2006. The pink Amazon river dolphin (Inia geoffrensis) - is, you guessed it, pink. Rare instances of albino bottlenose dolphins also exist, but those are a saltwater species. The dolphin I speak of is pink as a species.

No, it is not simply pinker than your average dolphin. It is not just 'peachy.' It is fiery flamingo pink. Lisa Frank would have a field day.



The pink river dolphin is native to the Orinoco, Amazon, and Araguaia/Tocantins River systems of South America. These river systems cover the whole upper half of the continent. Although it is currently unknown how many individuals exist, naturalists attempt to get the pink dolphins governmental protection.

Of course, a pink dolphin like this sticks out no matter where you're from. The tribal people of the Amazon rain forest have a number of legends surrounding this pink, aquatic mammal. They are mixed between the bitter and the sweet. Some legends say that, as with unicorns, it's bad luck to kill a pink dolphin; so much as looking one in the eye brings lifelong nightmares; the dolphins become princes at night that, much like incubi, mysteriously impregnate women. Damned if you do, damned if you don't!

It's not easy being bright pink.

I am sure that Victoria's Secret would be thrilled to add pink dolphins to their merchandise. C'mon; environmentally-friendly AND sexy sells! The pink dolphins are win-win! (Note: This critter would also make an AMAZING blacklight tattoo!)