"They Actually Eat That:" (Pattypan) Squash.

Luckily, today's "They Actually Eat That" isn't too terrifying. In the face of a week of things that will leave your mind reeling with how terrifying they are, squash seems relatively tame. But hey: It's Halloween. Pumpkins happen to be a type of squash. Deal.

First off, cool as pumpkins may be, there are a lot of cool squashes out there. Squashes in general are New World fruits, and are considered one of the Three Sisters (major crops) along with the corn and beans cultivated by Native Americans.That said, they probably also fall under the category of "things used in foreign cuisine that you didn't know were from the Americas." Hey, that's actually a good article idea.

For purposes of this blog, however, a lot of squashes just look weird. They're knobbly, bumpy, twisty things. There are some advertised as looking like snakes. They're almost like the token alien fruit. You could paint a squash blue, stick it in a sci-fi B movie, and nobody would ever be able to tell that fruit was from Earth.

Pattypan squash (Curcurbita pepo)  just looks like a UFO. As the name would imply, these are small squash that can be fried in the same size pan as a hamburger patty. This actually led me to buy some out of curiosity. There were a few recipes online, and I thought that some sort of unique flavor would come with the unique appearance.

I was wrong: pattypan squash has no taste whatsoever. Pumpkin and zucchini have flavors; pattypan has a flavor so faint it's an anti-flavor. All of the flavoring comes from whatever you drench it in. The recipes are good because of the butter and herbs added to the squash. Not that I liked squashes to begin with, but I was expecting...a flavor. It's one of those things that I'm stunned people eat simply because it did not agree with me. (For the record, I don't like pumpkin either, but I can see why people like the flavor; here, it's more like liking the sauce than the squash itself.)  No offense meant; the fruit still looks amazing, and would make an awesome decoration.

 I think I'm starting to get a grudge against the whole squash family. Be right back; Christmas mint spree is just around the corner.

Blasphemy Week: Ebola.

So I have to step it up. Although I usually rant on and on about how beautiful the world is, this is Halloween. I did just about the only thing I could think of that this blog has not done: Have a week full of things that disprove the existence of a loving God.

The keyword there is "loving." I'm OK with God or what have you being the bang-zoom that got the universe started. Nature, however, is a bloody, mangled, violent venture. One could argue that natural selection, which is pretty darn hard to disprove, ultimately makes a species 'better,' but that's still a lot of blood lost for one 'perfect' individual that will eventually die anyways - hardly 'loving' in any sense of the word. These are the things in nature that would make Saw sleep with his lights on asking "why?"

The squiggle that kills millions.

That said, onto our first monster of the week: Ebola haemorrhagic fever, AKA the Ebola virus. There are five species, each of which named more for its regional distribution than anything else.  All of them are rather nasty, although some are slightly nicer than others. The fatality rate can be up to 90% in an outbreak, and it is not a merciful death. The most common vectors are African fruit bats, but a fair amount of mammals, including humans, can pass it to people. If one person in an African village gets Ebola, that village is usually screwed.

This virus attacks everything. It starts as a general malaise, including fever, then escalates into a flu. Things quickly get worse with headaches, muscle and joint aches, diarrhea, sore throat, and stomach pain. Strangely enough, hiccups are also a symptom. Headaches indicate an attack on the central nervous system. Yeah, no part of the body is safe from this thing.

You must be at least THAT covered to approach Ebola.

The word "haemorrhagic" should be enough to tell you that the mild flulike symptoms get even worse. Someone with Ebola bleeds from everywhere. Any place with a mucous membrane (most notably nose and nether regions) starts gushing with blood. Their body gets covered in bleeding rashes, effectively making them sweat blood. On the plus side, this allows the virus to replicate itself further; contact with bodily fluid from anybody with Ebola is enough to spread it.  Small wonder Ebola is treated as a Class A Bio-weapon- it makes people suffer.

The good news is, Ebola happens mostly in underdeveloped countries in Africa. It rarely crosses over into places with proper sanitation.  The people really have enough to deal with, including starvation, military control, malaria, and vicious animals that are commonly shown on nature programs. There is an amazing amount of trouble there already. If the meek were really blessed, why create a disease that makes one bleed from all orifices? Not the work of a loving deity, there.

Bio-Art: E.T.

Am I the only one who has noticed that aliens are everywhere, nowadays? Hell, we have alien Pokemon - not that the implications of Pokemon coming from space weren't present since Gen I. It figures that extraterrestrials would eventually be in our base, stealin' our pop music:


(Mad props to the original creators.) 

Now, if you're into conspiracy theories, you'll probably know that "E.T." is pushing not only alien invasions, but the transhuman agenda. Basically, any monkeying with a human's natural capabilities can be considered "transhumanism." That includes cloning humans, making babies glow in the dark, and so on and so forth.

And hoooo boy, does this video monkey.

The title and outer space setting are misleading (but very pretty). Whatever Katy is, she is highly impacted by the flashing videos of life on Earth. With the swirling clothes, it's not even clear that she has a stable body.  It's hard to tell what sort of thing Katy is at first, but whatever she is, it becomes something entirely different by the end.

Enter embryology. The video doesn't start with a live alien; it starts with a camera shot into what we later learn is some sort of life capsule. The first Katy we see is undefined, just like an embryo. That's why we can get stem cells, or cells that can grow into any organ, from an undeveloped fetus. I may be stretching it, but it makes more sense than "OMG A RANDOM ALIEN FELL TO EARTH!" which is a wholly shallow, exoteric interpretation.

The use of videos within a video intrigued me. They cover the whole spectacle of nature, from flowers to cheetahs. Rewatching it, I saw more and more recognizable images that actually helped the microcosm grow and develop. Somebody put a lot of thought into exactly what clips went where.

These videos are not random. Most, if not all, of the video clips become obvious parts of the chimerified Katy. The order is also symbolic; the video starts with plants, a primitive form of land life, then moves onto birds (living dinosaurs) before flashing to mammals (and one lizard?). There is also a jarring instance of the Circle of Life in which a fawn is shown right before a barely-alive antelope; again, this loops back to death and rebirth, and our little embryology lesson (our body actually kills off cells as it develops). The mating monkeys toward the end speaks for itself, but has an extra meaning when shown in the context of the video. The "alien" from the start of the video becomes a strange composite of earthly beings, including humans, animals, and maybe plants.

The future shot at the end is also worth talking about. In this apocalyptic scenario, even the pigeons have gone extinct, making Katy the last reservoir for natural life. The man she finds is an android who only finds a body with the touch of an 'alien'  that happens to resemble a divine nature spirit. Presumably, life blossoms again when her and her new boyfriend do the nasty. It also shows a possible consequence of transhumanism: that humans will be so good at preserving themselves that nothing else will be left.

There are a number of ways to symbolically slice "E.T." It definitely advocates accepting the strange. It is probably pushing the 'transhuman' agenda, if only by getting us used to chimeras. At the same time, it shows us a consequence of our own dabbling: A completely barren Earth with only a few survivors. Of course, this is an interpretation; the official artist probably said something that was torn apart by conspiracy dogs.

Also, please, ignore Kanye West. He offers absolutely nothing of note and detracts from something that is otherwise interesting. Thank you.

Creature Feature: Tentacled Snake.

Look at that title. Really, look at that title and use your imagination. There are a million ways to get creative from the title alone. Did a snake do it with an octopus, and is this entry devoted to their unholy lovechild? No. Is it the ultimate in tentacle pronz? No. It's just a water snake that just so happens to have tentacles on its face.

The tentacled snake (Erpeton tentaculatum) is a rear-fanged water snake native to Southeast Asia. It is wholly piscivorous. Its entire life is spent in muddy lakes and rice paddies. Some even venture into seawater.  Unlike some snakes, which come in a rainbow, tentacled snakes are only striped or blotched. Like many water snakes, they have live babies. 

The tentacled snake was not science's most creative naming venture. The most prominent thing about this water snake is that, yes, it has tentacles. These tentacles detect fish better than the snake's tongue ever would. They use a blend of sight and touch - yes, these tentacles loop back to the vision center of the snake's brain. Imagine sticking your tongue out periodically underwater; that is why they evolved tentacles.

The evolution of tentacles is far from this snake's most impressive feat; how it uses them is just as cool as their existence: 



The way the tentacled snake manages to catch the fish is a whole different matter. In the video above, you can see the snake bending its body right after it detects the fish. This motion is enough to trigger the C-start (escape) reflex of the fish, sending it straight into the jaws of death. This snake is predicting what its prey will do next. That's pretty impressive.


Most of us think of the reptile brain as primitive. The revelation that snakes can meter out their venom and the behavior of the tentacled snake above should be enough to make one wonder how intelligent snakes really are. This one just so happens to have tentacles, making it either cooler or creepier. Your mileage may vary, of course.

Creature Feature: Sapo.

I am hard-pressed to find something terrifying that fits here and not in the theme week, "Proof That There Is No God." Yes, next week covers things so terrifying that we cannot believe that a merciful god exists anymore.

So here's a frog that gets you plastered. Enjoy!

The giant leaf frog (Phyllomedusa bicolor), or just Sapo, is a toad native to the Amazon rainforest. It is nocturnal, meaning that frog hunts must be done at night or in the early morning. The frog sings only after it rains. Presumably, it eats some of the many insects that fly rampant throughout the Amazon.

The five-dollar question: How giant is giant?  I'll put it this way instead of giving you numbers: It does not fit comfortably in a human hand. It was called a "beautiful, giant thing" by Vice Magazine.  Some people have also felt psychoactive effects just by touching it, so not only is it huge, it gets you high as a kite.

We have to presume you are not buzzed while holding this.

Before you ask: No, these are not toads you lick. The Sapo is a toad that the Mayoruna and Matses natives tie up with grass, then torment until the venom forms a gelantinous teal coating on the toad's skin. The venom is then put on sticks that are burned into a shaman's skin.

And then they get high on the frog venom. The frog affects everybody differently. It can lead to sedation, stimulation, hallucinations, anorexia, and apparently spiritual experiences. It reacts to the same receptors opium does, but the burn probably deters people from using it as often as opium. It almost makes you wonder "who tried this first and how long did he live?" Seriously, who thought this was a good idea?

As one might have guessed, the Sapo is the target of considerable research. Aside from being a great drug, the waxy venom might be able to cure cancer and AIDS. There have been a few attempts to patent Sapo venom compounds, but no headway has been made in the research department. Hmm...I wonder why? Could they have achieved spiritual enlightenment and gone "Screw patents?"

Creature Feature: Pacific Salmon.

 When most people think of salmon, they think of one of two things: 1. pink fish meat, 2. the crayon named after pink fish meat, 3. a generic fish that gets caught by grizzlies on nature programs. If only the life of the salmon was emphasized instead; they're really more fascinating than their rather mundane status as a food fish lets on.

Pacific salmon are salmonids in the genus Oncorhynchus. They breed in the Pacific Ocean, ut spawn in freshwater- exactly how awesome this is will be detailed later. There are a lot of different types of Pacific Salmon out there (7-odd species). They have a fair amount in common, so I hope nobody minds if I use a video of sockeye salmon at one point and Coho at another.



The rule of thumb in fishing is that salmon migrate and trout stay in one place. While not 100% true, salmon are known for an extensive migratory route, called a salmon run. They spawn in freshwater, then the adults die. The young (fry) then migrate upriver in an epic journey to the ocean, where they meet up with the other adult salmon lucky enough to make the journey. Then the cycle starts again, with adult salmon swimming downriver, using scent to find their way back to the place where they were born.That's right: These fish change from being saltwater to freshwater and back again, and swim back to the exact location where they were born using scent trails alone. Consider your mind blown.

But wait. It gets better. 

During this migration, male salmon undergo a mutation unlike that of any other fish. They develop menacing jaws, which have the specific term "kype." These all look like they swam straight out of the icy bowels of Cocytus and wish to eat your face off. Being bright red-pink does not keep those jaws from being terrifying. The hunch is also a bit disturbing. Aside from sex change, this is the most drastic change in any male fish over its lifetime.

Hatchery impact on salmon mostly comes into play in the ocean. Adult fish are harvested from the ocean, with females being gutted for their eggs. Multiple males are then forced to, umm, fertilize the eggs to ensure genetic diversity. The young are raised at a building until they're mature enough to swim in the streams. The impact has been severe enough to endanger wild salmon populations; hatcheries are both responsible for the decline and capable of preserving some of the more at-risk species. Pollution doesn't help, but it is really hard to legislate fishing. Hatcheries may soon be the only source of salmon, so be careful of what you're eating.

Salmon is one of the healthiest fish to consume, being a good source of protein and Omega-3 fatty acids. Remember that salmon lead interesting lives, and that mature male salmon pack a terrifying face that will haunt your nightmares. You're welcome.

They Actually Eat That: Tilapia.

Fish has a weird cultural line going on with it. Some people consider it meat; others don't. There's a thing called "pescetarian" in which fish is OK but other meat is not. It's a weird line, and, as time goes on, an easily crossable one. As people learn of the horrors of factory farming, more and more of them will avoid meat. That leaves seafood as the next target to exploit.

Tilapia is the most common labeled fish on supermarket shelves. Originally, they are a type of cichlid native to various parts of Africa, probably making them the most populous African cichlid in the world. Dismiss your images of people hooking wild-caught tilapia right now; this omnipresence reeks of "bad for you." Let's see why, shall we?

First off, all fish has some level of mercury in it. While fish can still be seen as an alternative to white meat, it is no longer the holy grail of healthy flesh that it was once thought to be. Tilapia in particular has low levels of the things that make fish good for you, like Omega-3 fatty acids. It's just a tasteless white that sells well in cafeterias and schools. Brain food it is not.

Onto tilapia, then. If you buy fish sticks or any other "mystery fish," chances are that it is either tilapia or Alaskan pollock. I hesitate to say anything about Alaskan pollock. Both fish taste like white. Both fish probably have the same problems. This aaaalllllll loops back to corn, guys.

Most tilapia are farmed. The farms are usually located in places like Malaysia or Honduras - far away areas where people will do all sorts of not-quite-ethical things to make a living. The difference is that pigs, cows, and chickens are cute, and fish are generally not.

Tilapia are so plentiful because they feed really, really well on corn and soy. They take pellet food regularly, and, like every other farm animal, gain weight quickly. They are factory farmed, just like chickens. Hell, they've been called "aquatic chickens" because their white meat is really just about as good as chicken is for you.

It gets worse: They're trying to get salmon to feed on corn, too. Neither salmon nor tilapia are meat to eat grass, let alone the mutant grass we call maize. Go ahead, look at a mature male salmon and tell me that this thing is meant to eat corn. I dare you.

If you just evacuated your bowels, my work here is done.