"They Actually Eat That:" Ass.

Sometimes, something makes it onto this column because it is gross. Still other times, it is simply our narrow definition of "food" in the United States that makes something qualify for this list. Today's dish definitely falls under the last category: "Why aren't we eating this, again?"

Donkeys are like funny-looking horses: long ears, long face, funny teeth, shorter legs. We laugh at donkeys. They are, for all intents and purposes, solid beasts of burden and a "poor man's horse." The donkey doesn't have the same majesty as a horse...but not many people in the States would consider it meat, either.

Well, yeah. Donkeys are around. Why not eat them? China has been enjoying it for over 300 years; donkey meat is fairly popular in Europe; if people have donkeys, they have probably found a way to eat donkeys. It just kinda happens when you're another species hanging out with humanity.

The thing is, Equus asinus is not usually considered food in the U.S. of A. Unlike with horses, it's not that most Americans would have an objection to eating donkey- it's simply that we haven't thought of that because our cultural definition of food is pretty narrow. Donkey meat tends to cause a scandal, over here.

Source.

That said, the cultures that do handle donkey meat handle it much like other meats. There is a sadistic donkey recipe in China, but it's so mind-bogglingly simple that it's barely a recipe. Tie a donkey down and eat it. Easy enough. No animal is safe in China, silly ass. Several other places enjoy donkey meat as well, but it's really common in China. It's literally subway snack stand common.

So, if you haven't tried donkey meat, give it a shot. It's rich in iron, calcium, and phosphates, along with being leaner than most store meats because donkeys eat grass. It is probably better for you than most meats on the market.  If it makes you feel any better, pretend that the meat before you is a certain talking donkey that won't shut up about parfaits and waffles. You know the one. You're welcome.

Creature Feature: Quagga.

Last night, we discussed the ever-intrusive zebra mussel. It is slowly being replaced by something called a quagga mussel. Well, OK. We know what a zebra is. What's a quagga, again?

 

Extinct mammals are the "uncanny valley" of dead beasts. The quagga (Equus quagga quagga) looked like something between a zebra and a horse while being its own creature at a glance. The term has been used to describe a 'not quite zebra' look with faded stripes, as on the quagga mussel. Quaggas used to live in the drier parts of southern Africa. The last specimen died in Amsterdam in 1883.

Quaggas get their name, supposedly, from their call. They were first discovered in 1778 in Africa. Many other zebras soon followed. The quagga was studied extensively over the next 50 years, but as one can probably tell from the dates, it barely lasted a century from a Western perspective. This means the native peoples of Africa had already done a fine job denting the population before we came along.



The quagga is like the aurochs in many ways: both are related to domestic animals, and both went extinct in the modern era. Science has tried to resurrect both species via gene sequencing and back-breeding. The real subtle difference between the two was the difficulty There was so much confusion over exactly what the quagga was that it was hunted to extinction for its meat, hides, and to feed other domesticated animals. Nice work, science.

Quaggas, however, lack the mystique of the aurochs. The quagga has been confirmed as the first described species of plains zebra (Equus burchelli). By the laws of scientific nomenclature, which are starting to look like a YGO ruling webpage, the plains zebra should be called a quagga. HOWEVER, the name has stuck so well that zebra shall stay, giving kids an animal by which to remember the letter 'z' for years to come. 

Q is for quagga. Almost!

The good news is that the quagga got around. Zebras and horses interbreed already; the result is called a zorse. There are tons of reports of horse-quagga hybrids, really just glorified zorses with a slightly different subspecies, but who knows? Maybe that horse on Michigan Avenue contains the last blood of an extinct race in his veins.

Prince On a White (but not albino!) Horse.

In looking at weird donkey breeds, I found something interesting: There is no such thing as an albino horse. There are a million different ways to make a white horse, but not an albino. Read this fascinating page on exactly why albino horses do not exist.

This gets back to my "Shades of White" entry. There are many traits, not just one, that can lead to a white animal. Although it may be easy for the public to call them all "albino," which does after all have the Latin word for "white" in there, it is technically incorrect! (Even within albinism, there are subtleties. Don't call white tigers albino unless you want to do the same for Siamese cats.) As the page says, there are many differences between how different types of whiteness is inherited, too.

Just sharing. The world is pretty darn fascinating, but if you must get into fantasy, don't assume your prince on a white horse managed to procure an albino.

Creature Feature: African Wild Ass.

Get your mind out of the gutter. This blog does not (usually) offer porn. Just in case you got here by looking for a hot African chick, however, here's a picture of Beyonce:

Disclaimer: No racial slur meant. That ass is fine, though.

 

OK, now let's talk donkeys. Part of what really sucks about domesticating animals is that, 75% of the time, the wild ancestor of the domestic animal gets left in the dust. This ranges from being hunted (wolves) to going extinct (aurochs). The wild type for the modern donkey is heading towards aurochs territory with no dignity whatsoever.

Also a nice ass.

The African Wild Ass (Equus africanus?) is the ancestor of the domestic donkey. It lives in Ethiopia, Somalia, and Eritria - a very small corner of northeastern Africa. Their most distinguishing feature from regular donkeys is, of course, those pretty stripes on their legs. Wild asses used to be all the way in Egypt and Libya; their range has diminished since ancient times. They are considered critically endangered with only 570 known pure individuals in the wild.

As one of the first animals domesticated, wild asses have a fine history with humanity. African Wild Asses can run as quickly as horses and were used for Sumerian chariot races. They are still used in the traditional medicines of Somalia and Ethopia. Wild asses are also particularly curious equines; what a fitting change for a too-curious individual like Lucius, even if he was just their cousin!



One of the issues of being the granddaddy of a domestic species is that outbreeding is (almost) inevitable. The species is endangered primarily due to space being cleared for livestock and breeding with donkeys and burros. Alas, it is far from the only endangered type of donkey. There are plenty of weird donkey breeds dying out, but we'll save those for Freak Week III.


Source: Dreamstime.com.

Hey, good ass is hard to find.

Prehistoric Mammal Week: Hyracotherium.

 

The creature above is likely the ultimate Uncanny Valley beast. Its name is Hyracotherium, it lived in Asia, Europe, and North America, and it was about the size of a fox. It lived during the early Eocene (52 mya) - a time when, for reference, we had a relative named "Necrolemur." Hyracotherium looks like a creature that we all should know, but do not. We've seen this animal before, but where? Goddammit, it's on the tip of my tongue...



You have got to be kidding me.That little guy? A horse? He's got to be smaller than the smallest horse in Guinness.



Actually, Einstein is only slightly bigger. Nice going, evolution.

Technically, Hyracotherium is no longer a horse. It's a palaeothere- a type of ancient mammal that shows the starting traits of being a perissodactyl (odd-toed ungulate). There is still some debate over exactly where it belongs, but it did give rise to horses, regardless of whether it can legally be considered an equine or not. The old name for it was Eohippus - "dawn horse."

Hyracotherium is the oldest known ancestor of the modern equines, including horses, asses, and zebras. It started as a small creature with the five digits common to tetrapods. As time went on,  these little fellows became faster and faster, as well as bigger and bigger from eating new plants.The horse family lost toes until only the center digit remained and became encased in a sturdy hoof. They also evolved to love sugar cubes (irony!).



Some scientists also propose that Hyracotherium founded other perissodactyl lines, such as rhinoceroses and tapirs. Those are pretty neat, too; tomorrow will feature a look at brontotheres, creatures that look like rhinos but may have been more closely related to horses. If only Nintendo had some creativity left; Hyracotherium would be a great fossil Pokemon to make a three-way evo out of.

"They Actually Eat That:" Horse.

 
They get stranger every rerelease...

Apparently there's a new My Little Pony movie (series?) out that has driven some people up the walls. What they fail to understand is that every little girl goes through a 'pony' or 'horsey' phase, so Hasbro marketing the girly counterpart to Transformers to the latest generation was inevitable. The horse has also been very useful to mankind throughout history, so there is certainly nothing wrong with having an interest in horses.

Oh, and horses are also food.

They Actually Eat That?!

In every country in the world except the United States, horses can be consumed as food. Many cultures have it as a meat in the 'gray area,' meaning that it's not illegal, but not necessarily good, either. China, Mexico, Russia, Italy, and Kazakhstan are the five biggest consumers of horse meat in the world and have absolutely no qualms about eating Seabiscuit. That horse head in Godfather would not have been hard to come by at all.



And why not eat horse? The meat is far leaner than beef and much better for oneself. Horses do not produce as much meat as cattle, but what they do make is high in protein and lean in fat. Horse parts can also be used in gelatin, so if you like Jell-O, sorry. One has to do something with a dead horse besides beat it.

Although beating it WOULD tenderize the meat...

Many cultures either place horse meat on its own altar for ritual slaughter or as low as dog food. Deities such as the Roman goddess Epona received sacrifices of horse meat, and the Nordic peoples sacrificed horses regularly. These both went out of fashion after Christianity took hold, leaving "well, what else would you do with a dead horse?" as the main excuse to eat horse meat.



Until recently, it was legal to at least sell horse meat in the United States. The last horse meat plant in the U.S. closed in 2007, resulting in several wild horses being set free in Illinois (thanks). The banning of horse meat after '07 has created a squeezed sausage effect in North America; Quebec farmers eat horse meat, and Mexico is the second largest producer of horse meat in the world. Give us yet another reason to go south of the border, why don'cha?

So, if you are one of the many that hate My Little Pony now, head down to Mexico and grab yourself some horse meat. It's legal there.

Freak Week II: Racehorses.

Oh, scratch that bit about horses having absolutely nothing weird. One of the types of horses that everybody knows about certainly merits a place in Freak Week II.

 

Yes, those are racehorses. Yes, they are stranger than they look.

Horse racing itself has similar origins as car racing: day-to-day encounters with fellow charioteers naturally resulted in competition between riders, and somebody, somewhere decided to capitalize on the riders' competitive spirits. Nothing wrong with that, although we are sure many would admit that seeing horses run is far more fun than watching cars drive.

No, the horses running is not weird. The horses themselves are.

Most of the horses in racing today are part of a breed called Thoroughbreds. They are a cross between two different types of Arabian (Darley and Gondolphin), Byeley Turk, and English racing horses.  They can come in many coat colors and are bred for a competitive temperament, speed, and agility. Again, no surprises there.



All Thoroughbred horses derive from one of three sires: Herod, Matchem, or Eclipse. Eclipse, a Darley Arabian, was never defeated, and hooo boy did he get immortalized in racing history. 95% of the male horses in racing today are directly related to Eclipse. Think about that for a bit: 9.5 out of ten horses at the track share the same dad, granddad, or great granddad. Creeeeepy.


Hey, bro. Or are you my second cousin?

I'll let Wikipedia tell you exactly why this is terrifying if the idea of you and your running partner sharing the same dad did not cement it in for you:

"According to one study, 78% of alleles in the current population can be traced to 30 foundation animals, 27 of which are male. Ten foundation mares account for 72% of maternal (tail-female) lineages, and, as noted above, one stallion appears in 95% of tail male lineages.<sup>[28]" 


In other words, these horses are inbred to the degree that it makes purebred dogs look like they're not even cousins. Thoroughbreds are at risk of dying out due to lack of genetic diversity. It is not legit to register Thoroughbreds that have not been seen gettin' it on. No artificial insemination. No embryo transplants. All inbreeding for damn fast horses.</sup>

Creature Feature: Przewalski's Horse.

What? The hell is a horse doing on this blog? We thought this was supposed to be weird, and horses aren't weird! A horse is a horse, of course, of course...or is it?

Ladies and gents, the Przewalski's horse (Equus ferus przewalskii) is the last remaining ancestor of the domestic horse and the only extant wild horse. It lives on the Mongolian steppes and in a Chernobyl radiation field in Russia. Another species, the tarpan, is said to be even closer than Przewalski's horse to the domesticated horse, but it's extinct; people have tried to bring back the tarpan via backbreeding, but this was about as successful as breeding back to aurochs. Talk about beating a dead horse.

To clarify, North American mustangs and Australia Brumbies are not technically wild horses. They are feral horses - that is, domesticated horse populations that escaped and bred. Przewalski's horse is the only known extant wild horse. Another would have been the tarpan, but the last individual of that species died in 1909.

 
Just for reference.

Many times, when a species has become truly domesticated, there is a sudden dip in the population of its wild counterpart(s). The ancient relative of the modern cow, the aurochs, is currently extinct; wolves are either treated as OMG SPESHUL creatures by fans on the internet or hunted by crazy politicians that look like the Baroness from G.I. Joe; nobody really knows where the ferret or chicken came from. Goldfish are the exception rather than the rule; as in Pokemon, carp spawn very well regardless of their domestic midget cousins. Tarpans and Przewalski's horse are both either extinct or highly endangered.

How endangered is it? Due to various factors, such as German occupation during World War II, its population was reduced from "all over Mongolia and China" to "just a few sparse locations and zoos." It was considered extinct in the wild for 30 years. The Asian wild horses around today are from captive-bred projects; see, keeping strange animals isn't all bad!

In Soviet Russia...decide for yourself.

Tomorrow: Speaking of keeping strange animals...there's a chance that I have a strange bacteria-virus. Strange, but awesome!