Wednesday, November 23, 2011

"They Actually Eat That:" Turducken.

I hate Thanksgiving.

You want to know why America has the highest obesity rate in the world? We have a candy feast at the end of October, a completely needless feast towards the end of November, then Christmas, which is the amassed consumer spirit of the whole year- including giant food binges. During Thanksgiving in particular, people usually gather around the table or TV and do not get any exercise the whole day. Compound this with seeing relatives you don't like for two months in a row and you have a recipe for stress. Obesity: it's TRADITIONAL!

To be perfectly honest, I don't even like the food at Thanksgiving. That's right, I'll eat jellyfish and eel, but keep turkey and 90% of all other Thanksgiving foods away from me. Also, keep Polish food away from me. Keep THIS horrendous piece of work away as well, even though I've never seen it up close in my life:

That, my friends, is a turducken. Turducken is a de-boned chicken in a de-boned duck in a de-boned turkey. The gaps between the birds are usually filled with sausage or seasoned breadcrumbs. A few turducken also include bacon, which, according to every meat-eater I've talked to, makes everything taste better. Although nested birds like this have been around since the ancient Romans at least, this particular matryoshka of a dish was invented in Louisiana.

If you think that turducken up there actually looks OK for being a frankenbird, think again. Inside that resewn skin is pate. It looks like something my cats would eat. Don't believe me? Here:

What part of this is appetizing?
Bear in mind that, unlike things like lutefisk and dog, turducken is not the product of poor people making use of what they have. Perhaps, if you do not eat fish, you do not realize how much of a pain in the rear it is to de-bone something. Turducken involves de-boning and de-feathering three different birds. That's not something the impoverished can afford to do. It's like pate- even if you have the animals,  turning them into meaty paste is reserved for the rich. Turducken is supposed to be cuisine.

Turducken achieved its popularity largely thanks to football player John Madden. He carved one with his bare hands on CBS, and then handled it again on Fox when a turducken was awarded to the winner of the Thanksgiving Bowl. This is probably the most verifiable marker that turducken was pulled from the abysses of Hell: it's promoted by Fox and football. If you're into numerology at all, the letters in "Fox" add up to 666. You see where this is going.

Happy Turkey Day from Baphomet! If your turkey and/or turducken starts dancing on the table, you'll know why!

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