Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Creature Feature: Wolverine.

You know, now that we think of it, there is an animal that makes a better national critter than the majestic bird we nearly killed. A shame Norway stole this guy from us:

Aww, isn't he cute? He looks like a weasel mixed with a cuddly teddy bear. Hey, we had a stuffed animal named after our President - why can't we have it as our national animal of awesomeness? Weasels are fun, too. Surely, this is a mix that cannot be defeated.

Yeah. That's what the wolverine (Gulo gulo) thinks, too. Wolverines are native to the colder regions of the northern hemisphere, and, true to the weasel hint up there, are related to ferrets. They eat anything smaller than they are, as well as the occasional garnish of berries.

And they are insane. Pants-shittingly, chillingly insane.


Wolverines are carnivorous. Any small animal they can kill, they will kill. Anything in nature that encounters a wolverine has a bad encounter with Murphy's Law. They can sprint staggeringly fast for a plantigrade, so no running from fate. Hell, wolverines even have special teeth that can tear through carrion that has been frozen solid. That's one hardcore carnivore.

What? You think you're safe just because you're a predator, too? Noooo. Bears, predators several times larger than wolverines, are not exempt from being pushed around by them. There are several recorded instances of wolverines kill-stealing from bears and wolves. The wolverine may or may not emerge victorious, but it will go down fighting if it has to lose. Plug in "wolverine VS [insert animal here]" on YouTube and you will see that these animals are bad to the bone. Don't make me choose. They're all good.
He gets more hits than the actual animal.

Of course, what would a wolverine entry be without at least one mention of Wolverine, the extremely popular character from X-Men? Logan is just as tough a character as his namesake. Wikipedia cites his individualistic spirit and vicious nature as the reason for his name, although there is something to be said for his ability to keep on kicking as well. Even a pretty darn crappy movie could not keep this wolverine down.

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