Wednesday, July 6, 2011

"They Actually Eat That:" White Sugar.

We know sugar is bad for us. We have been told as children not to eat too much sweets. Despite the sugar scientists saying that white sugar is perfectly harmless, it does fatten you up. It's in everything in American food, which explains a lot.

It is also made by a process that merits a page in the Necronomicon.

Sugar starts as a syrup inside sugar cane. When crystallized, the crystals are brown. It takes a special process to make sugar confusable with salt on the dining table. The one that Domino, a major sugar company, uses comes straight out of Dante's Inferno.

This times approx. 7,800.

Of all of the possible methods to refine sugar, Domino and Dixie Crystals both use something called bone char. Bone char involves using bones (but not the spine or skull) from deceased cows from Pakistan and India. The bones are superheated to produce charcoal that can be used for many different filters, such as the sort that removes fluorine from tap water. We cannot honestly tell you how this works unless Cthulhu is involved.

So, why not use an ionizer like some people do for water? One company does. The system costs 30 million dollars. Recently, the price tag was sliced down to 25 mil, but that's still a lot to pay. Necronomicon it is!

Next time you're in the coffee room, do not even give the sweeteners a second glance. Look at the sugar (and not-sugar) packets and walk away. Niiice and slowly.


  1. yeah...that doesn't sound as good anymore.

  2. You kidding? They need to use this to advertise the otherwise unhealthy stuff as some pretty badass material! "A spoonful of metal makes the medicine go ROCK!!!" XD

  3. Haha! This has to be the busiest "They Actually Eat That" ever!

    Add a teaspoon of sacrifices to Satan, and bam! Best chocolate chip cookies ever!