Saturday, March 30, 2013

Killer Cute: Koalas.

Is there anything cuter than a koala? No; koalas (Phascolarctos cinereus), which by the way are eucalyptus-munching Australian marsupials, look more like teddy bears than actual bears.  It's really hard to take a koala seriously. A koala could tell us that Yurlungr is awakening and the world will end as a result, but we'd bee too busy melting into baby talk to care. Awww, wookit his widdle head!

Oh, wait. Shoot, it's from Australia, the land where everything wants to disembowel you! Run for your life- KOALAS!

Actually, they aren't that bad. Koalas just have killer claws. These claws can dig into the bark of trees no problem; imagine, for a second, what they could do to your soft flesh. There are innumerable bacteria that will make those claw marks even nastier. Also, they can bite, but anything with a mouth can bite. Anything "stuffed animal" suddenly went out the window with those claws.

From Point made regardless.

Then there's the thing called a drop bear. Certain subspecies of koala have evolved into carnivorous little buggers that drop from their perches onto the unsuspecting Americans below. Rumor has it that wearing forks on your head or smearing Vegemite behind your ears can ward off drop bears, but don't hold your breath. Luckily, dropbears are about as real as jackalopes. You may take the forks out of your hair, now.

Here's the real deal: Koalas are slow, stupid, and usually asleep. 80% of their day is spent asleep. Their brains do not fit in their fuzzy little heads because they are so small. Anyone unfortunate enough to get hit by a koala who fell out of a tree was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. It's not like these things are out to get us.

While not as dramatic as the hippo, koalas can still be very nasty animals. Approach wild koalas with caution. They may look like teddy bears, but they have claws like real bears. You don't know where they've been. On the bright side, at least they cannot crush your head with their rears like our friend the wombat. Now that is lethal cute.

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