Wednesday, January 23, 2013

"They Actually Eat That:" Gorilla.

 Many of you probably saw the title of this entry and went "no," or perhaps even decided to avoid it. This column is for the daring. We've done human here, before; surely an ape would surprise no one. I understand if you would like to avoid the idea that humans will, in fact, eat apes as well as monkeys and each other, but this column will attempt to approach gorilla meat with an open mind. Unfortunately, this is very hard to do; there are almost no benefits, and all but one reason for eating gorilla meat is, frankly, stupid.

From National Geographic. I don't think people eat the head...but it gets the point across.

There are exactly 3 reasons that people eat gorilla meat. None of them are good. Let's look at them anyways.

The first and most obvious one is "because gorillas are there." If you are a native African tribesman looking for some grub, there is a slim chance that you will be a picky eater. Plus, hey, you just took down a gorilla. This is the only legitimate reason - it gets worse from here.

Going in ascending order of "Worst Reasons to Eat Gorillas," people in urban areas around these tribes will also see gorilla in restaurants. People with native African ancestry eat gorilla meat because their forefathers in the forest did. This does not mean it is a good idea. See also: lutefisk, creamed herrings, and quite a few other things that stay around because they're "traditional." Just because it's traditional doesn't mean it's good.

The third and worst reason is when Europeans eat it as a unique meat. There is no tribal backing for this at all. Gorilla meat is simply exotic, and worth trying on that merit alone. Gorillas are also trophy animals, so killing a gorilla is like finding a gold mine.  Keep the head, cut a hand off for an ashtray, and get some exotic meat to boot. Reminder: I have nothing against gorillas, but I do know how these people think.

Before you even ask, no, there are absolutely no health benefits to eating gorilla meat. If anything, it will make you very, very sick. Gorillas have a lot of diseases in common with humans, including Ebola. In case you need a reminder, that's the disease that causes bloody sweat, internal bleeding, and other unmentionable hemorrhages. Screw that "save the rainforest" reason to avoid bushmeat - avoid gorilla because they can get killed by and kill us with one of our deadliest diseases.